Balloon Land

Hate, can you feel it?

2009-05-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

I wonder if my mother can feel how much I hate her?

Had a horrible day with my "family" aka group of people I wish would vanish. Now that I have a job hopefully someday I can get the hell out of this basement. I found a goal, there is a condo for rent right near my work so if my crappy car broke down I could walk there and then I could save up money and pay for a real lawyer to help T stay in the country instead of the free lawyer who was nice but probably can't do much for free. If I can get away from my parents I think I would be able to feel so much better about myself. I like my job which is great and eventually I can start paying everybody back that makes me feel good to know there is a light someday. If I can get him legal we will be all right financially. even if he has to leave the country I will stay here and work and take care of M.

My parents other house that I love they said I could rent if I had a job, this is after they said I could live there if I came up with the money for oil. well, friends offered to loan me the oil money they said no, I got a job, now they said no. I give up. When I leave here. I am never ever coming back unless I am dead and my dead body is brought back for some reason out of my control.

Have E and the guys coming by tomorrow that is neat. It's lovely to have friends again. I can see the good life coming just over there...no no over there...see it?

I met a nice guy the other day too. I should write to him.

Look how nice and quiet this little place looks

I will keep that there to remind me to look in the future. first step out of the dungeon, then legal, then loan repayments, then the world is mine muwhaahahahahahahaaaaa

Sad

2009-04-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

Today I was feeling more positive. Woke up with the wish to feel better and exercise and try and take control. I got out and walked, I applied for a ton of jobs, good ones shitty ones, ones I probably can't even do.

Anyway, the rain came back. It always does.

Like a sleigh ride to hell

2009-04-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

that's my life. friendless, jobless, penniless, loveless, wish I was lifeless at times.

Finally made it to the immigration lawyer. Nothing but bad news. My mom has been an extraordinary bitch lately. She says I don't know what reality is and T is a failure as a husband and father. I wish he would hold me sometimes and give me comfort but he doesn't. He just plays online games and ignores our lives spiraling into ruin. I have applied for so many jobs and not one has called me back. I don't know what I am doing wrong. Even that part time job I had for two days is advertising again. He was yelling at me to report them to the labor board for not contacting me back after my mom made me go there but how will that help? Our stupid old car has turned into a money pit and bad luck attractor. It already has been hit and run in a store parking lot, we got a flat tire from running over a nail on the way to the immigration office. The CV joint is broken, the speedometer doesn't work, the muffler if broken, I don't know what else.

M has been sick and I finally had to take her to the doctor. Turned out she has a bladder infection and was bleeding. I have to take her again for a follow up visit to see if the medication is working. I am 90 percent sure something is wrong with me health wise. I have had pain in my left side for months now and sores are forming in my hair. All my friends are involved in their own lives and their own drama so we don't talk anymore. Partially it's my fault because I almost can't handle a normal conversation anymore.

If he has to go back to Japan, then what will we do? Why doesn't he want to talk about this? This is why I never wanted a kid, I knew I couldn't take care of one because I can't even take care of myself and my vision was true. I can't take care of her, or me, or him. I am not smart enough or pretty enough or personable. I can't even talk to my friends, I am sure they are sick of this song over and over.

Anyway, press play while you can.

Took a Job Test Today

2009-02-27T16:28:00.001-08:00

What a long day. Yes, I haven't had the energy to write in the blog for awhile. I feel dismal. Even to dismal to write. This morning I had to leave the house by 12 pm because I had a test for a job scheduled and I couldn't be late. We were leaving on time but M went upstairs and started hanging out with my mom while I was putting my shoes on. Big Mistake. I know for sure why M doesn't listen to me anymore. She is learning from a pro. Medieval torturers don't got nothin' on my mom.

So I come upstairs to find my mother has M cleaning the toilet with a toilet brush. that's a great idea in so many way *rolls eyes* I tell M we have to go and my mother says she can do whatever she likes to do. M doesn't leave, I have to yell louder and my mom never says anything a responsible person would say like "you should listen to your mother" she keeps letting her mess around in the toilet. why should a 3 year old be cleaning a toilet in the first place?

I went and took the test, got a good score and I was very proud of myself. they only hire passing a background check via the FBI so I will probably have hello kittycopters over my house with undercover forces jumping down from long ropes. They will find out all my "associates" why does a background check make me feel guilty? Must be all that drinking I did in the 90s, who knows what I did back then. ha ha.

So background check complaining aside, we got home to find both my parents sitting in the living room. Neither one said hello to me. M started talking to my mom and after about 10 minutes my mom finally asked me how I did on the test. I said I did really well and got a high score and my father said "oh you got a 12" so funny, they never say anything positive to me. My mother didn't comment at all except she thought it was a waste of time. She knew they were hiring in the first place and never told me. This is how it is. I found some old photos of us growing up and a set of us at Easter. My sister is dressed up and has a beautiful easter basket as she skips happily looking for eggs. I am carrying a brown paper bag.......

Cracks Are Appearing

2009-02-06T19:01:00.000-08:00

We fight alot now. We have this wall of anger between us, maybe that won't go away. He fights with me constantly about my parents. He says they don't help, but he doesn't understand, he won't listen to me. They say they are going Oh I can't even write. I will go cry for awhile.

I Want To Go Home

2009-02-05T20:55:00.001-08:00

I miss my beautiful little house, my friends, M's friends, my hills and mountains, my grocery store with the sad lack of stuff I want to buy, my dairy, my cooking, my french bakery, my ocean, my hiking, my restaurants, my health care, my photography, my car, my view, my plans, my things I didn't do, my wine, my library, my sunshine, my landlord, my neighbors, my happiness, M's happiness, our life.

This isn't home anymore. I would go back if I could.

Darcey Freeman

2009-02-02T23:38:00.001-08:00

The story of Darcey Freeman is breaking my heart. I can't get it out of my head and it keeps making me cry. I wish I hadn't read it.

Finally posting sorry for being away

2009-02-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

I think I am having some kind of brain disconnect. I don't feel overly angry or worried but I can't sleep and I can't concentrate. One of the reasons I haven't been blogging is the lack of focus. My thoughts are vague and fuzzy.

Past few weeks have been just weird. Most of you know about my inheritance problem with my mother. I am supposed to get some money from my grandfather's estate but she keeps giving it to me then pulling it away. It's not even a huge amount of money but for us it's a much needed help. It was during these money wars that I began to feel so I don't care about anything. T's immigration is going nowhere. If I worry about it I feel sick. He doesn't seem to care even though my mother is threatening to kick him out. She says me and M can stay but T will have to go if he doesn't show some kind of progress. With the money we borrowed from a dear friend we were able to buy an old used car. Oddly enough it was owned completely by Japanese so even though it is old, it's in pretty decent shape considering it's age. We do have some transmission work we need to do before it can be perfectly good to drive around in but all the other minor repairs that were needed T has already done. It's wonderful to have a car again. We are able to go to the grocery store when we need to, not wait for my mother to throw macaroni down the stairs. I have been taking M to the library story time once a week so she can see other kids. She has been very sad lately and I haven't able to snap her out of it. She keeps crying and asking to go home and asking me why it's always so dark here. I can't tell her that I feel the same. That everyday I miss my gorgeous house with the view of the mountains. How I miss my friends there. How I miss walking in the mornings in the mist filled valley.........

If I can simply get T to be legal everything will be ok I know it. However, if he doesn't get something done soon I can't continue to let M be without health insurance.

I spent the past few days cleaning the kitchen and trying to clean out the places that mice have lived in or are living with bleach. Can't tell if there are any left or not. To make my life really pleasant the basement ceiling started leaking water. I had to put a bucket on the floor to catch the water coming down from the upstairs. My parents are seriously messed up, they recarpeted my grandmother's room, bought my brother a brand new snowblower, gave my sister money for running into her car, but when I ask them why they don't get the wall fixed where the water is coming in or why they don't hire a cleaning company for their rental property I love they say they have no money and they can't afford it. They told me they won't sponsor T financially because they are simply so poor.

At least we have the car now and we can get away when we need to. When we get the transmission fixed all will be much better.

How to work out without realizing it

2009-01-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

Pull your kid around on a sled until you can't move anymore. That's more of a work out than I have had in awhile. We found an old (obviously, remember where I live) rusty sled in the shed out back and found that even after all this time M could still ride it while I pulled her up and down the snowy hill.

I realized how different I feel when I am outdoors or when we stayed at the hotel. When i woke up in the morning at the hotel I could jump right out of bed and without even having coffee still feel all right. Here in the basement I can't even get going without the benefit of almost a full pot of coffee. Makes me wonder seriously if there is something going on with the air in here. I wake up sleepy and groggy and continue to feel the same throughout the day but if I go outside I feel fine again. I had a dream last night that we moved out and lived in a nice apartment somewhere, as is usual with a dream it was sort of a combination of here and Japan but it was a nice place lol.

I have been invited to the movies next weekend. T says he doesn't mind watching M. The last time I went to the movies was to see "The Chronicles of Narnia" with L. That movie came out in 2005 so that means I haven't been to the movies in 3 years!!!

The mom made snarky comments about how late we all sleep so I did a snaparoo and yelled "how the hell do you expect any of us to wake up when I live in lightless basement. It's the same light when I go to bed as when I wake up. Even though you have a perfectly good REAL house sitting there empty" She didn't reply and I stormed off back into my rat hole. Honestly, do they really think this is a good environment for a 3 year old? living in a dark hole in the ground. It brings me to tears knowing they have a beautiful sunny perfect house with a fenced in yard sitting there empty...let me swear here &&'#&)('')')')')(')')'###"#$$R
Once again repeat "it's free, it's heated" rinse repeat

She asked me to go check on our neighbor's boyfriend who has some disease tomorrow at 1 pm. She told the neighbor that she would be able to do it but she is busy so she pawned it off on me. What do I do? Knock on the door and say "Hey are you alive?" I don't mind helping people out but if my mother made a commitment she should keep it or should have known in advance she couldn't. she has a doctor's appointment, wouldn't she have known that? This is the neighbor she holds up to me all the time as someone to emulate, aspire to. I am in such an angry bitter mood this week I haven't done much emailing or talking to people because I realize when my anger turns into a dark stain it is likely to spread towards other people without me even being aware of it. I hate that they make me feel like this.

Now that they gave us this ultimatum, I am waiting for them to throw us out. I am frustrated by T's lack of initiative in this. He hasn't bothered to call his sponsors and see how they are doing on the paperwork. See what I mean about my extreme anger? It's going everywhere. zip zap target sighted pow. If we get thrown out we have no where to go and this doesn't seem to be worrying him. All he says is sentences that start with "Just say to them..." why do I have to fight my parents all the time? I could use some support here. An evil part of me thinks that if he did get deported I could get health insurance for M and state assistance but that's not really the answer it's my frustration channeling the wrong way. I think alot of bad things when I am stressed out. He doesn't realize that they would throw us out, or my mouth would get us thrown out because it's got a mind of it's own sometimes.

I am back to looking for a job now that we borrowed some money we got a used car..really used! 94 Rodeo with 175,000 miles on it but it goes from point A to point B with little work that needs to be done but I thought we should we should save the money in case we get thrown out or have to move back to Japan. The only reason I would be nervous of Japan is if he decided to divorce me for any sort of reason he would automatically get custody of M. They rarely give the child to the mother. Not that it would happen but it bears considering. The worst part of this past year is I simply don't know what to do. How do I know what choices to make? How will I pay back all this money I have borrowed? If I didn't have a child this would have been so much easier. My first duty is always to make sure she is ok so I have to do what I think is best for her. How do I know what I choose is the right way? Can you feel some of what the whirlpool in my mind is like right now? It's hard to think straight. I better stop now and read or something before my head explodes.

The Other Shoe Dropped

2009-01-08T20:29:00.001-08:00

As I was afraid it would. Waiting out my parents silence wondering when the other shoe would drop.

Started out stressful as I didn't sleep all night for insomnia reasons, then my mom started in on me about T. Apparently out of nowhere she can talk to me again. She asked me if there was something "wrong" with him and other assorted remarks.

Then came the dreaded "We need to talk" She asked me to come upstairs and sit down at the kitchen table. She then said that my parents need to know what is going on with T and what his plans are because if something doesn't change soon they will not "support" us anymore. Meaning they want a progress report every week on what we are doing. If not, she warned, you need start looking at other options. They are tired of him being illegal and me and M not having insurance she said. His illegal status reflects on them and if he gets in any kind of trouble they don't want to be in trouble too. In a Benedict Arnold sort of way, I wish T would do more to get us out of here too. I don't know what I want him to do specifically. It's probably the mom voice serpent in my head.

I am tired, Off to bed..perchance to dream

Mouse Wars Ended Badly

2009-01-06T21:43:00.000-08:00

Have been rather depressed about it all day. T remembered he had reset the have a heart trap in the Utility room but had forgotten to check on it the past few days. Sure enough, little one was in there dead as a doornail. I should have took him out and released him when I originally caught him. I feel like such a jerk. Poor thing. It would have been kinder to let him take his chances with the elements. I was down all day long.

I have so many things I need to do but I didn't get anything done today. M and I pretended to go on a rocketship to space. that was the most excitement I had all day. She keeps asking me when we are moving back to the Hotel. lol. Parents haven't spoken to us in two days so can't even report arguments with them or any kind of contact. Having terribly bizarre dreams since we have been back. For instance, I dreamed M was blind last night. The air in here is definitely getting to me.

Dingo's Ate My Baby

2009-01-05T14:08:00.000-08:00

How did it end up that T and I would spend most of the day discussing the "Azeria Chamberlain" Case?
http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/FTrials/chamberlain/chamberlainhome.html

So gruesome and depressing. It started because I argued with some people on a forum that using the phrase "A Dingo Ate My Baby" is NOT funny. Why people would think it's funny if you know the story behind the saying I have no idea. I spent some time researching every article and report I could find. Seems to be that Lindy Chamberlain had nothing to do with it but her husband comes off as sort of a whack job.

Our biggest question is "why would you go camping with a 9 week old baby in the first place"?

Today was pretty boring, guess that's why we ended up in such a strange, long debate while M took a nap. The rents are pretty much ignoring us. We have been relegated to personas non grata. My mother hasn't spoken to us since Saturday night. She put mail on the stairs a moment ago and I tried to talk but she simply closed the door again. Seems like my father has retired, he is here all the time. It's rather creepy. This house is creepy. I started my diet today, so far so good. I made it a whole few hours lol. I am tired though but that on par for basement dwelling.

Reasons living here is becoming unbearable

no oven, mice, two rooms, mold, no space, no light, unfriendly people upstairs, no phone calls, no freedoms, sewage smell,

Could be worse, my baby is safe and sound and that is the most important. I would live here for a million years rather than go through was Mrs. Chamberlain did. Yeah, I know..weird topic but it's a weird life over here.

Happy New Year

2009-01-03T13:02:00.000-08:00

We had an amazing New Year, all compliments of some friends of ours who sent us a dream getaway for a couple days. Not only did this trip revive our flagging spirits it also made me realize that the basement IS the reason why I feel so bad and groggy. The time we were gone I woke up at a normal time, I had energy and I felt fine. One day back and already I can't wake up and I feel terrible. When we arrived at grandma's house (I never refer to it as "home") yesterday we found that my mom had been down here quite a bit and that the whole place now reeks of sewage. She said she didn't know why it smelled so bad. The mouse problem is worse, they are even in our suitcases stored in the utility room. Once here, my parents didn't even acknowledge that we were back. They didn't speak to us at all until today and actually my father has yet to speak to me. My mom, however, was back on her complainey trip. She called us on our last day at the hotel and told us we needed to tell her what time we were coming back so she could leave the basement door open. No, we do not have a key to this house. We are at the mercy of the people upstairs. If they want to lock us out, they can at will. She left the basement door open which is kind considering that made me have to slog through the snow from the shoveled front yard to the unshoveled back yard. They have a snow blower but we aren't allowed to touch it.

We noted on our trip that the house my parents own that we begged them to live in is now bearing a "For Rent By Owner" sign. Nice of them to offer it to us after I spent so much time trying to convince them to let us live there. They had lied and told me that the tenant hadn't left yet. Oh, looks like he left.

My mom yelled at me today that I spend all my time on my computer instead of watching my child. She says the computer is more important than my own daughter. I could say that everything is more important to my mom than her own daughter. She left us mouse poison to kill the mouse. I am torn on this.

Being away from here was a dream, I needed that to help keep my sanity intact. It was such a treat to see M laughing and having fun. She has such a love for people and sunshine, it kills me to have her stuck in this smelly, unhealthy basement. We had such a beautiful time together that at one point on the trip, T actually said that maybe if we got financially sound again he would want another child. Utterly impossible but it was nice to hear him say that. We have been at odds so much lately I was afraid the romance was gone.

For resolutions this year I am really going to try to lose weight and get in some kind of shape other than "round"

I am going to spend more time teaching and playing with M rather than yelling at her

Love T as much as possible and not blame everything on him.

Get us out of this pit of hell.

Keep my spirits up. We can do it. or as Obama says "Yes We Can"

2009 started off the right way. 2009 is our year!

*edit* I forgot to mention we are starting off the New Year with no oven as it broke and the rents don't want to fix it. Microwave popcorn for everybody!

Back to the Pre Christmas Norm

2008-12-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

Trying to get ready to go on our 3 day escape from our house. I mistakenly asked if I could use their printer so I could print out the directions to where we are going. I was lulled by the fake Christmas cheer they had been showing us. Dazzled by a one line email from my mother which read "Love you, mom" though it may have been for M, I made an assumption that they were nicer and more jolly.

I would be the first antelope killed in the pack, this is why I am not a wild animal. Upon my asking if I could use their printer I was assailed by accusations. "NO, you can't use our printer, we are sick of you prowling around upstairs" that was the exact wording my father used when I asked. "You don't have any right to be up here" they continued. "Why did you buy M shoes? Why does she need shoes?" You should be paying us rent instead of buying shoes." went on and on and on. stressing me so much I ended up yelling at M. That's the way it goes. They yell at me. I, in turn, yell at my family, M cries and T yells back. This is how my family will be destroyed if I can't get the hell away from these f#cking pieces of sh&t that call themselves my parents.

My New Year's Resolution "get away from them no matter what I have to do before we are destroyed" and "Never come back"

also lose weight, stop dressing like I am blind, live for the now instead of in the past or in the future, and love my little girl like there is no tomorrow.

Washed a disposable diaper in the washing machine

2008-12-28T12:03:00.000-08:00

It's that kind of a day. M must have thrown one of her disposable diapers in the laundry basket and I didn't notice. There are some kind of chemical beads alllll over my laundry and the washing machine.

Mouse Wars

2008-12-23T22:41:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, the mouse escaped two nights ago by chewing his way through the plastic top of the aquarium. He did that in one night! Now he is loose in the kitchen again. We have been engaged in a battle of wits the past few nights and he is clearly beating me. He hasn't been lured in by the have a heart traps I have left out. He even went so far to insult me by chewing on the outside of one. Some how he is even eating the food inside the traps without setting the traps off themselves. How is that even possible?

T has been suggesting that mice are significantly smarter than we realize. Tonight however he crossed over the line of reality and into "Evil Mouse Genius" territory. Baffled as I am that the mouse can eat the food out of the trap without being trapped, T solved the whole puzzle. "One mouse holds the door open while he goes in and grabs the food" he hypothesizes.

"I told you to kill him" he adds. There it is, the "I told you so" M blabber mouth told my mom about the mouse. "What if we get that mouse poo disease, the hanta virus thing?" I complained to her. "We have had mice in our houses for YEARS" she replied "You haven't been killed by that virus so far, I doubt you will now"

What? Years? Hunh????

Disco Elves

2008-12-23T22:15:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Have A Magical Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday

2008-12-23T20:54:00.000-08:00

Christmas this year went from being stone cold and grim to warm and fuzzy with the touch of a magic wand. I hope all my friends near and far have the best HOLIDAY EVER! My favorite holiday song is from "Rudolph The Rednose Reindeer"

There's always tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Believe in your dreams
Come what may.

There's always tomorrow,
With so much to do,
And so little time in a day.

We all pretend
The rainbow has an end
And you'll be there my friend someday.

There's always tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Tomorrow is not far away.

This year I felt like pre spirit visit Scrooge, then I woke up one morning and wanted to buy Tiny Tim a new leg (ok I don't remember how it really goes) but i thought the holiday was about making sure my daughter was happy on Christmas but maybe it is making sure that we remember to love each other and remember others in worse situations than ourselves. We have had so much magic this christmas that I can't deny we are blessed some how.

Even if I haven't kept in touch well over the past year, there is a place in my heart for all my friends new and old. Even if my "real" family sucks, I still have as much love and friendship as anyone has a right too. Even if you are down, you can always watch "Rudolph" for free on youtube. Love you!

Merry Christmas Everyone and Zappy Blue Beard!

The Fondue was a Fondon't

2008-12-20T22:28:00.000-08:00

Skipping some daily entries probably in the upcoming week. I am coming down with M's cold. I can feel it in my lungs and it hurts. M is still sick. The mouse escaped. My sister gave us fondue and it was heavy, wierd, and not very good. We had a mini Christmas last night because my sister had to leave to go home today so she wanted to see everyone open the gifts from her before she left. She really outdid herself with M's presents. She got very needed new pajamas, a ballerina dress, a very awesome snow suit, and some cool toys. She gave me a gift card for clothing and T and I both got matching winter scarves and some wine! She even got M and me an ornament each from the store where M broke her first glass Christmas ornament and the store owners were kind enough not to ask us to pay for it. I bet my sister felt guilty and bought something there anyway and now I will never forget that incident. The best gift was one she and M2 picked out specifically as a keepsake for M. They went to a famous pewter company "The Danforth Pewter Company" and got M her very own charm bracelet with several charms representing parts of M's life, like a turtle from hawaii, a rabbit (M is crazy for rabbits), They are planning to add to the charm bracelet every year for her. I thought that was so sweet.

She talked to me once again about how my mom and me could be nicer to each other. The topic came up because we received alot of snow over night and she told me we had to help them shovel. I woke up early to help shovel and by the time I went upstairs at 9 am they had already finished so she was mad. How was I to know they would get up at 7 am to shovel on a weekend? My dad was a cursing maniac again, burning the ears off of all of us so my sister was trying to tell me that I should be more sympathic to what my mom goes through. I don't feel that way so I didn't really listen to her. Also something disturbing happened today, my mom knew about something I only talked with a friend of mine on the phone with. I hadn't told her at all. That means either my sister told her OR she really does listen in on my phone conversations more than I thought she did. She told me today a friend of mine called me a few days ago and she told her I wasn't home. Every person who calls makes my mom interrogates me about where do I know those people from who are they what do they want. Like it's her business.

Next couple of days I think I will concentrate on resting and trying to get me and M back into fighting shape.

Exhausted!!!

2008-12-18T15:44:00.000-08:00

No comprehensive entry today, folks. M was up ALL night with her cold and in consequence so was I. With no coffee on hand my wake up time has just not happened. The craziest thing was during the night while she was not sleeping I ended up catching a freakin' MOUSE on my kitchen counter. I didn't know what to do with it (T had some grim advice - not heeded believe me) so I dumped him/her in an old aquarium and now M thinks it's some kind of pet. I am exhausted and I have a doofus mouse on my hands. In all the the places I have ever lived I never ever had a MOUSE in my house.

I need sleep!

Ski Trip

2008-12-17T09:55:00.000-08:00

In an effort to get back to the actual life story part of my blog I was remembering our ski trips my friends and I used to take. Every year we went to this event called "Snow Fest for the Animals" The place was called "Brodie Mountain" and I have since learned that it is now closed, which is very sad as it was a wonderful place to go and the owners were lovely people who cared about animal welfare.

Brodie Mountain (ski area)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Brodie Mountain Ski Area (closed)
Location: New Ashford, Massachusetts, US
Nearest city: Pittsfield
Vertical: 1,250 ft
Runs: 40
Longest run: 2 mi
Lift system: 4 chairs: 4 Doubles

Brodie Mountain was a ski resort in New Ashford, Massachusetts, in the Taconic Mountains in the far northwestern part of the state. It opened in 1964 and thrived for a time by using then-cutting-edge innovations like top-to-bottom snowmaking and lighted night skiing. Founder Jim Kelly gave the resort an Irish theme: its nickname was "Kelly's Irish Alps"; the slopes had names like "Shamrock," "Killarney," and "JFK"; and the base lodge housed an Irish-themed saloon that did a rousing business in drinks and live music. But like many small independent ski areas, Brodie lost business over time to larger, higher-capitalized, corporate-owned resorts.

In 1999 the Kellys sold it to the owners of nearby Jiminy Peak, who closed Brodie in 2002 and sold it to a Texas-based condominium developer. The area continued to operate snow tubing, in conjunction with Jiminy Peak, through the 2006-2007 season.

With a vertical drop of 1,250 feet and four chairlifts, Brodie is the largest closed ski area in the Berkshires. Part of the mountain is now proposed for a wind energy project.

Every year we would get a group together and go to the "Snow Fest for the animals" at Brodie and every year we would get there and there would be NO SNOW! We began calling it the "Snow Farce for the animals" since we usually ended up hiking or drinking instead. Never once did we ski. We always had a great time though and one of my cherished items is the key chain I got there. When it finally broke, L gave me hers so I still have one. The first year we stayed at the actual ski lodge itself but after that we stayed off site. One year gave us the never ending joke of L getting up at 5 am and having a regular day while "normal" people slept. She has always been an early riser but that particular year one day I woke up at 8 am to find she had already gone out for coffee, took a long walk, had breakfast and was reading a newspaper! Now we joke that L will jog around the block, make breakfast, have coffee, read a book, bake a cake, all before 5 am.

These trips also gave us one of our funniest memories. My friend gave me a postcard once of a cat looking shocked with the legend "Keep your fork, there's pie!". That postcard became a big joke in our group of friends. We used to say it to each other all the time. I used it as the signature line in my emails. On our first trip to the Snowfest, we had dinner at the ski lodge with a large group of assembled animal rights activists featuring animal activist speakers. The last speaker of the evening announced "Hope you kept your forks, there is pie!" we all looked at each other and burst out laughing. As the pie was served, sheepishly we looked at each other as we realized we hadn't kept our forks and we ended up eating our pie with spoons from our coffee. After all the years of repeating the cat's advice to keep our forks, we hadn't and had to use spoons.
Remember folks "Keep Your Forks, There is Pie!"

why do I even ask?

2008-12-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

Made the mistake of feeling too cocky that my sister was here so it would be okay to go upstairs but wrong! Was reading the police blotter which is insanely funny, need to post some excerpts like reported stolen bag of chips, wwhen my mom walked in and I asked her if she had read the police blotter yet. She surveyed me for a moment with a look of disgust and snapped "I haven't read ANY of the paper yet" ...so that means no?
T said I should not talk to her at all. I need to heed that advice.

She then proceeded to yell at me about giving out "her" address to my flickr friends for Christmas cards. I received two cards in the mail and she questioned where I knew the people from like it's any of her business and that's when I was told I should not give out our address. WTF? Simmering in insane soup all day is basting my brain. What does she want me to do? Have no friends, no job, no life.

Again the carpenter is here today banging around sawing stuff in my grandmother's room. T and I were wondering how much that cost. Then my sister told me my parents are paying for the carpeting in my brother's house. That goes well with the snow blower he is getting, meanwhile we can't even get a ride to the drugstore to get cough syrup. When we first were trying to do the immigration paperwork and we needed a financial sponsor they cried "poor" and refused to do it. They also said they couldn't do anything to help us financially as they are really hurting and they have no idea what they are going to do themselves. Yup, they seem to be hurting. New cars, snow blowers, custom carpentry......M is still coughing like mad today but she is eating which is a good sign and she doesn't seem to have much of a fever. Hopefully this will go pretty fast. It's too bad she is sick while my sister is here. That puts a damper on the activities.

I went upstairs after being called and found a magazine opened to an article called The Dangers of Inter-racial dating. T isn't having enough English comprehension at this moment to realize how insulting that is. My sister gave me a huge lecture about how my mom and I should be nicer to each other. She said it is disturbing the holiday cheer. I told her I don't have to be nicer to a person who is definitely not nice to me. She trotted out the old chestnut "You do live here for free" it's not free, the emotional toll taken on me is enormous. I have to remind myself that M is warm and sheltered so that should stop me from complaining. I told T that he has to get us out of here any way possible. My mom has begun actively showing her dislike of me and it's starting to freak me out quite a bit. She left for the bank to get the money for the carpenter. I am sure that my grandmother in the nursing home will welcome the change in her bathroom doorway at the cost of $3,000 dollars. Even a small fraction of that would have bought us an old car and I could have accepted that job at the hospital.........

C U Next Tuesday, Mom

2008-12-16T06:27:00.000-08:00

Yeah, that's right. I would tell you to your face if my daughter wasn't here. Once again you crossed the line. Showed your true colors. Don't think I will forget this.

Last night she regaled me with tales of trying to take care of me when I was a baby. Pointedly telling me that she paid my grandparents rent when she lived with them. Around 9 pm or so M began to cough and her cough got steadily worse as time went on. She got so bad I stayed up all night listening to her labored breathing. She got up several times during the night crying, sobbing and feeling awful. One time I fell asleep for a few minutes and woke up to find her lying face down on the floor. We don't have any cough medicine so all I had to give her was some allergy medicine. After a tiring night of little to no sleep for both of us. I waited until 8 am and went upstairs and asked my mom to take me to the drugstore so I could get M some children's cough medicine, tissues and some ice cream for her sore throat.

She said "no"

She has a construction man here to enlarge grandma's doorway to her bathroom. He is busy upstairs banging around, they are both going up and down our stairs to get to the utility room. M has no chance to relax and sleep. Mom says M must be ill because she caught what T had last week (food poisoning?) and told me to simply give M a vitamin and make sure to spray the carpet with Lysol and I should not bring M upstairs so no one else will get sick.

She brought down a bottle of diet soda and a pack of tissues and told me that would help make M better. My sister spent the night at her friends house and is planning to spend the day with her so I can't ask her to go. My mom keeps everyone second to my grandmother. Doesn't matter if the baby sick, gotta make sure my grandmother who can't even hold her head up anymore and is in a nursing home can get into her bathroom easier. She is obviously ignoring the fact that my grandmother will probably never be released from round the clock care.

M has perked up a little since I gave her some of the allergy medicine I think it's helping to clear her nose and let her breathe. I am surprised at how fast this cold hit her. There is no way she will be able to get a nap in. All you can hear is pounding and the sound of a drill. I want to say bad words to my mom. Can I?

My sister saved the day! She came back early from her day out with her friend and when she heard M needed medicine she immediately turned back around and went to the store. She came back with armloads of food for sick little people and medicine too!

Angels Online

2008-12-15T14:03:00.000-08:00

There are a small circle of them that watch over us. They have very terrestrial origins though, there is a school teacher from California, the stay at home mom from the United Kingdom, the glamorous mom from Germany, the self described "wierd lady" from Oregon, the budding professional photographer from Canada, the two expats: one in Ireland and one in France, the harried mom of 4 children, two of whom are handicapped but never anything but happy and loved, the mom struggling with Lupus, the happily married mom from Jersey taking care of her son who was born premature, an unexpected diverse group of women who would soon become my angels online.

We were a small American family living in New Zealand when my husband lost his business. With the loss of his business the government denied our visa application and ordered us to leave New Zealand. With the loss of his job we had no income and after months of losing money and unable to work due to the rejected visa application we had no where to turn. We had no income and were unable to leave New Zealand. We faced arrest or deportation. I thought we were finished. That is when the Angels Online stepped in. They came together in one accord to help a family they had never met in person. Only another lonely voice crying for help from the internet. Hardly any of these Angels are extremely financially secure themselves but with no hesitation they pulled together enough money to get us extra food we needed and necessities as well as setting up donation sites and having photography donation sales. The energy of these women was amazing. How they managed to do this will always stagger me. How they could show so much love and kindness for a family they never met I will never understand but will always be grateful for. Through their efforts we managed to even get a wonderful person to lend us the money for plane tickets back the United States. They saved our lives.

We arrived in the United States and we still haven't been able to get back on our feet financially. Neither my husband or I had managed to find any kind of full time work and Christmas for my daughter was looking pretty grim. I had decided to ignore Christmas this year because I didn't want to get my daughter's hopes up and just look forward to a better next year. The Angels Online stepped in again. We will be able to get groceries and a present for my daughter. There is so much more. The feeling of relief I feel can't be described. How can I tell them how I feel? How can I let them know how much this all means to us? How can I repay them for the kindness they have shown my family the past few months? Even simply being able to tell my troubles to someone was a godsend but they went the extra mile and gave us hope, love and a life.

Thank you, Angels. I hope someday I can do for you what you have done for us and all I can say is Thank you, I love you all. You listen to me when I am down, you try and help me in everyway possible, you are generous and kind, I wish with all my heart I could do something for all of you, wish I could share some of the Christmas magic in my heart with you. I hope other people will read this and realize there are still true hearts out there and Christmas Magic will find you when you least expect it. If you help someone else in need, it will never be a bad investment.

Merry Christmas!

No Idea

2008-12-15T10:53:00.000-08:00

what I was on about last night. That's what you get when you have too much Asthma medicine in your system. My asthma medication at times can zonk me out completely and even though I set my alarm today it happened. I slept through my alarm and all the way into mid day. My sister took M to go get a Christmas tree while I was asleep so she is gone now. Too bad, I would have liked to get pictures of that but I am sure she is having lots of fun.

Very nice package came to us out of the blue from T's parents! His mother sent M a wonderful gift and I can't wait to show her when she gets home. His mom sent a lovely blanket with "Totoro" on it and a stunning Noritake china rice bowl with Totoro on it. The bowl is a treasure! There is one difference between my mom and T's mom. My mom won't even let M pick out her own library books and constantly tries to make her like what my mom wants her to like while T's mom knows what M truly does like and gifts accordingly. She really is a kind person, when we lived with them she used to make me a big nice lunch every day and when she couldn't she gave me $30 to buy myself something at the store. Of course, she has her moments when she drove me absolutely nuts but not to the extent my mom does and it was never malicious like my mom is, just intrusive. She told me I made a mistake marrying her son but she was glad I was her daughter in law. Never knew what to say to that one.

Also in the package from T's parents was some of the paperwork we needed to process his immigration so if we get the paperwork from the finanacial sponsor we can proceed. That's good news. I have a sense of impending doom about the whole thing so hopefully it'S just my natural pessimism coming into play.

If you have never seen "Tonari no Totoro" or "My Neighbor Totoro" I can't recommend it highly enough. I think it's one of the most magical children's movies ever made. M could watch it on a loop all day long if I let her. Someday I hope to take her to the Totoro park in Japan. As well as Hello Kitty land. she would go nuts!

Ganbatte!

2008-12-14T20:32:00.000-08:00

Do my best! Give myself a pep talk here. Tomorrow tell T I love him, Hug M extra hard. Get up early and do something to make myself feel better. Remember this journal is for my memories not to complain!

Jump around and dance to Honto No Jibun in a silly manner but get inspired to have a great day!

Honto No Jibun (true self)

As long as I live, even if I'm covered in rocks,
I'll yell in a loud voice that I'll do my best! Do my best! (Do my best!)
There's no stopping my life,
so I'll sing a never-ending song

I'll push forward on my own path
It doesn't matter if I have a random character
Even if you're a loser, I love you My darling

There are times when it pours and times where it's clear
Don't mind the little things
I want to give you a kiss for the big tomorrow

I do my best without giving up

Actually I think I will try doing parapara with M for fun. parapara was a popular kind of synchronized dance in Japan. You still see it alot. M really got into it when she saw it on a tv in a japanese department store. I am terrible at synchronization but that only adds to the fun.

Here is a lesson on a short routine (I love when he says "chopu chopu")

This one is so cute!

This one I can do a little of..Maeken trance project by comedian Maeda Ken

I know this is probably more than you would ever need to know about me but I believe that you need an element of silliness in your life to stop the madness. I think that's what happened with my mom, she lost touch with her inner "silly"

BTW did you know you can watch episodes of The Love Boat on CBS Classics anytime you want?

Ice Storm

2008-12-14T10:10:00.000-08:00

At least 800,000 customers in New England are still without electricity on Sunday after an ice storm ravaged the region, officials say.
An ice storm felled many trees in Boston and elsewhere across Massachusetts.
President Bush has authorized federal aid by declaring a state of emergency in New Hampshire and Massachusetts.
Joseph Shoplack stayed at a Red Cross shelter Saturday night in Southwick. He lasted only one day in his home without power or heat. "They came [Saturday] and asked me how am I and I said, 'It's awful, it's very, very cold and I'm not well,'" he told WWLP Channel 22.
State officials have asked FEMA for cots for 70 shelters, where 1,800 people slept in shelters Saturday night, said Massachusetts Emergency Management Agency spokesman Peter Judge. It may take two days to restore power to all the affected homes.
He said 750 National Guard troops have been sent to help.
Although much of the ice melted Saturday, it froze again Saturday night.
Entire towns, such as Westford, in northeastern Massachusetts, have no power.
Red Cross volunteer John Noble said he wants crews to check on pipes in people's homes to prevent them from bursting. He said he's worried about his own house.
Milder weather was forecast for Sunday.

Nothing like a freak ice storm to liven things up for Christmas. Our power was on and off again for two days. We had some flooding so we couldn't sleep in the bedroom Friday night. I had a bad asthma attack at 4 am which put me out of commission for awhile. Then I spent Saturday trying to clean up and keeping the dehumidifiers going. Luckily though we aren't one of the many people who have no electricity still today.

We had a very nice surprise, my sister came to stay for an entire week to spend time with M. She has to work through the holidays but she wanted to make sure to spend time with M for Christmas. M is so happy about it. Now we will be able to get out and about for a few days.

I couldn't sleep last night so I watched a Japanese movie called "Mizuchi" The storyline was about a cursed spring that ruptured during an earthquake and the water mixed with the tap water in Tokyo causing people to have delusions. That was a bad choice of movie viewing. It was soooo boring. The only reason I continued to watch it is some the filming locations were around where I used to live so it was cool to see my area. Reminded me of our family in Japan. Sometimes I miss T's mom. She could be enormously annoying but overall I liked her very much. She used to take me to museums and parks. It was nice. I think M would have enjoyed having her around.

We had breakfast upstairs this morning since my sister is here. We are allowed to be upstairs when my sister is visiting. When I say "breakfast" it mostly means I get to have coffee and M gets to eat and my mom gets to make little comments "It's nice to see M having a balanced meal" "No, M never wears socks or warm clothing" "If you had a job you could buy your own coffee"

Always a pleasure in Cafe' Onibaba.

In the evening M went upstairs to find my sister but she wasn't around so M ended up bothering my mother instead. My mom got mad at her for being noisy and dragged her kicking and screaming back downstairs and ruined my night. T and I are fighting again. I have been so disappointed in him lately and everything that makes me angry is coming out in the open. We don't sleep together anymore, we hardly speak and he rarely answers me. We got into a fight over dinner. A completely useless argument over nonsense. I had tried to get him to talk to me about our future but he didn't want to talk. It's 8 pm and he went to lie down on the day bed. I can't understand what is going on with him. What's going on with us? We have been through so much together but can we survive my mother?

I am having a case of the Christmas Blues, don't mind me.

Abandoned Birthday

2008-12-12T17:43:00.000-08:00

It's a big day today! Can you guess what day it is? It's my brother's 30th birthday!! We couldn't do more than get him a card but M gets so into the birthday excitement I couldn't wait. Mom made him a chocolate cake and told us we would be seeing my brother tonight for his birthday. The three of us got all dressed up and M even is wearing her beautiful Disney princess gown a friend got her last year for Christmas so she really does look like a princess.

We wait..and wait...and wait...and wait...and wait......................

It's dark out now so I realized suddenly that the house was very quiet. Went upstairs to find out that my parents had left and taken the cake with them. It's now 9 pm. They went out to eat and celebrate with the rest of my family without telling us. There are a couple reasons I could think that they would sneak out on us like that. This is his 30th birthday for cripes sake. This is the nail in the coffin, I officially don't have any family. I will keep my sister is all. I don't want to have "Christmas" with them because it is fake. They don't want us here, I don't want to be here. T's parents have disowned him because of the business failure. What it comes down too is basically my daughter has no family besides our really amazing friends. If our "families" cared anything about her, they would have tried their best to be with her. We have been here since the beginning of August. My brother lives 15 minutes away and he has only seen her 4 times since we got here. T asked me "What did you expect? Did you expect them to change?" Maybe a secret part of me will always expect them to change.

My mom gave me cheese this morning that had expired in JUNE 2008.

I am sick of the comments, sick of the looks, sick of all of this. I am sick of crying over people who aren't worth it. I want to leave. If anyone has a trailer in the south with a car on blocks in the driveway and a fridge on the porch, I will take it.

Sick Day

2008-12-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

All 3 of us have been hit with a stomach problem of some kind, T especially is getting it bad. He is miserable today. I was planning to get some cleaning in but am not feeling well enough.

In lieu of a proper blog entry today. Here is M's very favorite video "Boku wa kuma" (I am a Bear) by Hikaru Utada

Angry Angry Angry

2008-12-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

Since I am tired of ranting and raving at T all morning I will rant and rave at my blog. Let's see how you like it..Blog! Take that! Yes, I woke up to the "knock knock door" and mom asked M if she would like to go to the grocery store with her because someone "Stole all her butter" so she had to go get more. I volunteered myself to go along and she went "Why do you need anything from the store, I got you groceries already?" (onions)"you don't have money to spend anyway" after listening to her blibber blabber she finally agreed. Yelled at M because M didn't want to wear the rain boots she got her in two sizes too big which makes her trip and fall alot. Yelled at M for spilling water on the floor. Yelled at me for anything relating to not having a job.

Made it to the grocery store, already tired and worn out. Went to pick up a loaf of bread from the bakery "Put that back, I have some old bread in the fridge I will give you" started making a scene. everyone was looking at me. I carefully placed the bread back and the bakery help gave me a dirty look "sorry" I mumbled.

"Hurry up and get your groceries, I have to go to the hospital, don't have time for this" she fumed at me. Yelled at M for picking Madagascar yogurt. She loves Madagascar, especially Alex the Lion. My mother tried to switch the yogrut for regular yogurt without Alex on it. I told her "if she wants F'n Alex yogurt let her have it." M asked us to please stop fighting. That got me. That really got me. She took M away to walk to down the aisles because she "didn't want to talk to me anymore, I am too hard to deal with" Everything I had in my basket she had a comment as to why I don't need it and lectures about money. When people gushed over how beautiful and smart M is she preens and turns into the loving grandma "she is my first grandchild, we are so proud of her" liar.

She spilled garbage in her new car and it stunk so the ride to and from the store was nasty. There is a $5 charge for bags of garbage put out in this rich people town but my parents are too cheap to pay it so instead they take all their garbage to the town their other houses are in and put it out there since it's free.

Came home and simply lit into T. I get so angry it is turning on him now. This blistering rage I feel has to go somewhere and it's frequently turning on him because he needs to get me out of here. get me out get me out get me out. I didn't want to come here, he said it would be best for our family.

The way I feel right now is like when you see animals going crazy trying to get away from something and smashing into walls, spinning in circles, biting and clawing trying to get away. If you have ever seen a stray cat in a have a heart trap, thats my feeling.

When I was 17, I wanted to go to art school more than anything in the world. My parents told me I had to go to secretary school because I was too stupid to make it in a real college so that was the only school I would be able to get into. They would not support me in any way unless I went to secretary school. They even picked one out and made me apply. The only dream they have ever had for me is to be a secretary. When I got accepted to make up school on a scholarship my mom said to me "You should stop worrying about your make up and worry about the rest of you"

You can run, but you can't hide. You take it all with you.

Them Cheatin' Onions

2008-12-09T22:10:00.000-08:00

Bored, bored, bored, bored. Like the Ramones said "Nothing to do, No where to go"

When it gets that boring you start looking people up on the internet for no reason..like say...Your dad! Then you find him on reunion.com, a pay site. Then you find he has 18 friends, most of whom are over 60. Then you find that one of his "friends" is 33 and trampy looking wearing a corset in her photo. Then you realize she lives in Florida. Then you realize your father is 72 and recently was gone for a week in Florida in a "meeting". Then you wonder what kind of "Reunion" they had? Then you remember all the porn you found on your parents computer that one day......hmmmmmmmmmmmm Maybe these are the puzzle pieces you need to figure out why, when your father was diagnosed with Legionnaires disease in Florida he didn't want my mother to go there.

Besides today being ungodly boring, we were all sick a little as if we had minor food poisoning. My mom was gone all day again. Spending her endless days at the hospital with my grandmother. I don't know what Mother Theresa medal she is looking for but I am sure it will be in the mail. Once again, she went to the grocery store without bothering to ask us if we wanted anything. She gave us some skim milk (big surprise), strange organic macaroni and cheese that even M hated, yogurt, spaghetti from their shelf upstairs, and onions. Again with the freakin' onions. I literally have 6 bags of onions in the kitchen. What do I do with them? Does she think we can just eat them as a snack all day? You can't really cook them unless you have other ingredients. Frankly, its a mystery. I used onions all the time in New Zealand because i cooked them with other things! like my spaghetti sauce or french onion soup or onion rings or focaccia bread with carmelized onions. All of which require other ingredients. as I am fond of saying lately "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

We seem to really not be allowed upstairs anymore. The people upstairs are extremely non friendly when we go up there. M went up with me so I could ask for some cream for a rash that appeared on her cheeks today. M followed me upstairs and immediately told my mom she was hungry and could she have some food? My mom told her she had plenty of food downstairs and my father shook his head and rolled his eyes. They think they are so much better than us. I can't stand it. They might have lots of money but they don't even like each other. My mom wrote on their anniversary card "Friends Forever" no love..only that. At least we have love and we support each other so stick that in your fancy Mercedes and choke.

So how are those anger management classes working out for you?

Hey where did that google ad come from?

Quote from T today "There is fire in the sky, must be fire from the sky" hunh?

McDonalds Stole The Bike

2008-12-08T16:23:00.000-08:00

Trying to solve my headache of the century I drank tea (bleh) and watched "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" with M. She made me laugh soooo hard. In the scene from the movie where Pee Wee loses his bike after chained it to a big mechanical clown, M kept saying "Mcdonald's stole his bike"

Today in the morning I was in a very good mood and in a wierd personality reverse my mother was rather...nice? or at least semi normal. As in, we didn't fight. Though she did let me know all M's presents are used. My father is ill so he is home today. Everything was going ok then I got two bombshells, one amazingly good, one amazingly bad. Neither one I am not sure I should discuss now. Now I feel all freaked out and strange.

Later I figured out why I am so obsessed with moving to Hawaii because M loved New Zealand, more than I did even. She talks about it every day like we are here on vacation and soon we will "go home". Some days she cries and begs to go home. In New Zealand she was happy every day with a shining light in her eyes. The only other place I have seen that happy light in her eyes was in Hawaii. I have to make amends to her somehow, I took her light away, I need to give it back. I can't bring her back to New Zealand but some way if I work hard as I can, I can get her back to Hawaii. Back to her light. ...
though of course, she doesn't remember Japan..

I am working on my one way ticket to the looney bin so everyone go on without me.

Headache!!!!!!!!

2008-12-07T17:53:00.000-08:00

ow ow ow ow I wanted to write today but my headache I am assuming is from a lack of caffeine is killing me so I will have do this a different day or later. ow ow ow

Throw Momma From The Train

2008-12-06T18:24:00.000-08:00

Or me first because I am going mad. M was using her potty this morning when Dad yells down the stairs "Pick up the D#"N PHONE" I had a brief hope it was the job calling me but no luck it was Onibaba. "I bought M a present, I need you to come out and see it but don't let her see it" I am trying to clean up M at the same time "Hurry up and get ready, I am taking M to see great grandma" I told her how I was trying to clean the baby and I couldnt really talk on the phone "What????? she heard what I said? the surprise is ruined, why didn't you say something, why did you let me keep talking?" on and on raving like a lunatic "She can't hear you, she isn't listening to the phone"

good morning

After telling me how stupid it was for M to want the Fisher price pony for Christmas, guess who came home with a giant, used, plastic from the late 1980s spring horse. She went to a Church fair and bought it for M for $15. There are a few reasons this annoys me. First, I have already given her a rocking horse for Christmas when she was two. Second, she mocked M's desire for the riding horse and called it "stupid" third we don't have room for this huge toy and fourth it's USED and had dog hair and scratches all over it. For Christmas she is going to rub in how poor we are by giving us another used old toy? Because I suck so bad as a mom I can't get my kid a toy? What stands out to me the most is when I was little I had a spring horse that must have been on loan or they sold it or something because it is in only one of my memories and it's not in any of the family photos. I was riding this spring horse on the porch of our apartment and I was alone and making it go as hard as I could and I ended up flipping over the front of it and the horse's head came up and split my chin enough to go to the hospital and get stitches. To this day I have a scar on my chin.

Mom put this spring horse in the shed and told me not to let M in there. As if I would, I told her, it's full of gasoline, poisons, lawn care equipment, etc..I tell her that place is off limits. "oh" my mom giggled "I let her go in there all the time" with that, we went to go to the nursing home. She babbled something about being worried that great grandma would catch something from M so she made her use lots of antibacterial gel on her hands. We visited and it was sad to see great grandma alone in the nursing home unable to even lift her head. This upset M quite a bit. Mom and I got in an argument about Pearl Harbor. Then M said she was hungry so mom immediately told her we could go get lunch. I am thinking "hooray lunch I am starved" and unbelievably she pulled into Mcdonalds! She is so anti any fast food or sugar I was very surprised. She told us to wait in the car however. we waited and then she came out and yelled for us to get out of the car and come in. We went in and found out she had bought lunch..for M only. She handed me a small size diet coke. That's it. I hate diet coke. I was so hungry.

Then instead of taking us back she went to a christmas store and let M run around and touch everything. She blocked the doorway and I kept telling her she was blocking the doorway (5 people were waiting to go through it behind her back) she told me to be quiet she wasn't blocking the doorway. Then one of the people said excuse me and she said oh NOW I am blocking the door. I watched her behavior after that, she really is a rude person. She rarely says thank you or excuse me. she acts like she is the only one around or on the sidewalk or in the aisle. Its very careless behavior. Recently she went to the store and told me she made the stock clerk go and get her ice cream and then complained when she brought the wrong ice cream. well get it yourself then loser.

On the ride back I got a huge lecture and lots of threats about T. She was yelling about his immigration once again how he doesn't care about me and M. on and on and on. I love big diatribes against my family. I got home in such a pissed off mood I got in a fight with T. Later, as soon as I tried to get M into a nap off went the "knock knock door" and mom came down with a plastic shopping bag so I thought she had gone to the store and thought to get us some groceries. I am always wrong. She gave us 2 cartons of very old juice, half used cream cheese past the expiration date and some freezer burned bagels and the worst item, a brie cheese my sister had bought before thanksgiving. I almost threw up, I should have photographed it at least.

I wouldn't mind living here if there was some halfway kind people upstairs but instead I have a maelstrom of anger inside me half the time that blinds my vision and makes my head hurt.

Did you ever notice that the new version of "My Little Pony" looks vaguely reptilian?
Look at the faces of the new ponies and the odd nose holes and jaw.

Compared to the 1980's version that had soft features and was very pretty.

I am a Bear, Time for Hibernation

2008-12-05T13:59:00.001-08:00

I tried to get in the photography mood and satisfy my outdoor requirements today at the same time. M zoomed around on a plastic horse ride on toy circa 1970 courtesy of my mother. Mom came down early in the morning and barked some orders at me consisting of moving boxes and installing glass in some window but since I don't remember exactly what she said I didn't do it. I have been raiding food from upstairs at night when I can and I am deathly afraid of what they are going to do when they find out. My parents left today on some mysterious errand. Probably has to do with my brother's birthday next week. I am sure he will get some insanely awesome gift. My father won an Ipod recently in a contest, the really nice cool one and gave it to my brother. I will admit, my relationship with my brother is a bit strained lately which makes me sad as I have always cared about him so much.

For lack of anything better to do, T and I argued about our fake plan to move to Hawaii. Fake, as in we certainly can't do such a thing but we talk about it like we are. He is so negative lately. When he lost the business it's like he lost the ability to think of any kind of future with a positive energy. The past few days we have been insanely bored. It's very cold out so we don't want to spend too much time outside but at the same time there is absolutely nothing to do in our two rooms except sit and stare at each other or pace. M has been having problems sleeping recently and we are sleeping too much overall.

Don't have much to say today because I didn't DO anything. I hate having NOTHING to do. I know you are saying "Well you could clean" and you would be right, but I would rather take a nap because I am a bear and I am going to Hibernate.

There are many people out there in much worse situations than us, I need to remember that and be grateful for what I do have.

I sighed heavily today trying to figure out what to do and M asked me "Mommy, did you lose your rainbow?" No, baby, with you around I will never lose my rainbow.

Edit* I went upstairs later to try and snag a granola bar for M but my parents were back home. I was caught as M followed me and parked herself in the kitchen prattling away. My father was being his usual self and puttering around dropping pretzels on the floor and swearing loudly "G'D#$n it" and other colorful expletives in front of M. My mom asked if she rode the old toy horse around today and started saying how stupid the "Little Tikes® Giddy Up N' Go Pony" is that M has been begging for. She went on and on about what kind of parent would waste money on such an item and it doesn't do anything for children's imagination blah blah blah. So why would an old beat up horse from 1970 foster the imagination as much as a toy that actually LOOKS like a real horse? M never begs for toys, she is really great like that but once in awhile something appeals to her and she has as much right as any other kid to want a toy once in awhile. Of course, she can't have one but does that mean she can't SAY she wants one. Sheesh. My mom has to make a comment about everything. It is so hateful. Also she complained that I took all her spoons. Apparently she counts all her silver because she knows the exact numbers of all her silverware. I had two of her spoons! oh the horror! I told her I borrowed them when my friends came and forgot to bring them back so she had to comment "In all that junk you shipped from New Zealand you didn't bring any spoons? Something useful?" I asked her "What did I bring from New Zealand that is not useful?" and she replied "Well I don't know exactly" exasperated, I said "So why did you say that?" She didn't answer me. I also found Milk in the fridge that my sister had bought us but my mom decided not to tell me about or give me even though we haven't had any for days.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Which one would stimulate your imagination more?

Or..it was confirmed it was from 1970 and ours isn't in as good condition either. The one mom gave her kind of looks like it was dragged behind a bus.

Rug

2008-12-04T12:14:00.000-08:00

According to "Dora The Explorer" there is a chocolate tree and that is right, there is a chocolate tree. The cacao tree, but you can't just pick chocolate off it. I am only mentioning this because M thinks you can get chocolate off of trees now anytime you want and now she wants a "chocolate tree" Earlier she made a major announcement that her super heroine name is now "super butt" What a kid.

I ran out of clean clothes so was forced to go upstairs and use the laundry facilities. The washing machine was overbalanced and of course it was my fault. I pointed out that my sister did that when she was here for thanksgiving because she brings all her and M2s laundry to do and they bring alot of comforters and such. I didn't want to throw my sister under the bus, but I am not going to be blamed for the washing machine. Didn't need to worry, It was my fault anyway. I try not to do laundry as long as I can so I am sure it's my fault.

She took M out in the back yard played with her for a short time then came back and asked me if I had ribbon. Why would I have ribbon? We don't even have anything to gift wrap, why would I have ribbon? I told her I didn't and then I heard her tell M to ask me if I had ribbon. A different person asking me would apparently trick me into revealing the location of my hidden ribbon stash. She went back outside with M then called me and left M by herself. I didn't have shoes on, a jacket, or any sort of winter gear but that's ok to leave her alone or make me run out with no shoes. Whatever suits you.

She has decided we needed a rug downstairs which most likely means she wants to get rid of it. The rug she picked is this hideous brown, green and bleh striped monstrosity that has been outside on the deck for years now. I am sure that's in great condition and will do wonders for my asthma and the baby's allergies. She took it off to be cleaned today. I don't think all the cleaning in the world is gonna help that puppy. She seems to forget she gave us the broken vacuum cleaner, how will I vacuum now with a big old rug here. She never listens. I told her when she first mentioned it to please not put a rug down here. We have enough problems with flooding as that idea isn't viable. The big stone head has spoken. The natives must be punished.

In toy news the Mugen pop pop has arrived on US shores from Japan in time for the Christmas holidays. These toys have been popular in Japan for a long time and it's a pretty simple brilliant idea. I love the edamame version of it. It's like playing with bubble wrap, you know you can do that for hours! Mugen means endless so it's endless popping fun. Here is a photo and the link. Would make a good stocking stuffer. disclaimer* I don't work for Bandai, I just watch their commercials on tv.

Things I am Happy for List

2008-12-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

Feeling mighty down today so thought I would make myself a list of things that I am happy about and I need to remember when I am feeling down.

I have the best little girl ever
Even though I want to punch him out sometimes, I truly love my husband even after all these years and all our troubles and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else. Not even Johnny Depp or Tadanobu Asano (maybe)
I have the greatest friends a person could imagine
We are not quite homeless
I still have my camera
I have been able to travel the world
I have been happier than most people have a chance to be
I can still watch "Shortland Street" on bit torrent
I can still lose weight
I can still laugh
I can still love
I am still alive
I could still win the lottery one day
I still have a bag of rice left
I still love pizza
I can still watch ghost movies on my computer

See, it's all good.

Dinosaur Wins!

2008-12-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

What a surprise, woke up out of a deep sleep to find my mother hovering over me. ahhh! that was a shock. come out of a nightmare and into a another. "We are going to the library in half hour, get ready" she ordered "why are you still sleeping, what's wrong with you?"

I used to fight with her or argue but now I am sort of dead inside. I rarely talk to her unless I have too. I don't do much of anything. I have no energy anymore, I give up. I got M dressed and bundled up into the car. Went to the library and M played with a little girl we met there. I found the book "Dinosaur Wins" that I have wanted to read for awhile and my mom refused to check it out but I kept putting it in the pile of her books (I am not allowed to check out a book) eventually she gave up. After the library she decided to take M to the park. She let M go down a slide covered with ice and M went flying off the end of the slide and bam onto her face and hands. Like I have said many times, whenever she is with my mom, she gets hurt. As usual, when M makes a friend of a child in the park my mom doesn't leave her alone to play but follows right on her telling her what to do and what to play. T calls her "fish sh?t" because she trails along behind M like a piece of...When M was finally having a good time and enjoying herself with her new friend, mom said it was time to leave and told me to go tell her. I told her to go tell her herself because it wasn't my idea to come to the park and I am not the one who is making her leave. I am tired of my mom trying to make me out to be a bad guy. I retreated back into my cone of silence after that. However, when she dropped us off back at the house she said she was leaving for the hospital and pulled out of the driveway. I went into the basement of doom and started yelling at T about how aggravated I am by her and all of a sudden I heard her voice at the top of the stairs reminding me that her housecleaners were coming and I had to be on the look out for them to let them in. She must have been at the top of the stairs listening to everything I said. I will pay for that in the future.

Me and M read the Dinosaur book and we love it! It makes her laugh to yell "Dinosaur Versus Spaghetti..Dinosaur Wins!" What a great book.

On an odd note, Officially I now have more New Zealand money than US money. I am ready to leave for Hawaii now, Is there a spot for me? It would be cool to live somewhere people don't ask me all the time why my daughter doesn't look like me. In Hawaii people thought we were locals. Some lady at the library asked me why my daughter didn't look like me at all, that happens all the time here. Americans are champions at rude questions.

Dinosaur Loses!

ahh Kill me now....This house is 300 cheaper! than my parents house that they are trying to rent. Probably because there is more of a volcanic threat than here.

Graceful & Elegant In Design
3 bedroom 3 bathrooms, 2 car garage, 2615 sq ft. Granite counters, stainless steel appliances, gas stove, hardwood floors, large master bedroom. Living room with fireplace, dining room, new bathroom upstairs with double sinks. Large back yard. 1.612.338.5573. Take Over Payments.

* Location: Close to Koula Street in Waipahu

this is left as a reminder to myself that if we ever can move, I should look on craigslist. I forget about that alot.

T is making fun of me because I am pretending I am moving to Hawaii without him. :P. He is no fun sometimes. M is trying to put socks on herself backwards. She has "Thomas the tank engine" on continual loop, it's starting to drive me nuts.

Ghosts of Christmas past

2008-12-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to write again today but I thought I would share a few of the reasons I am not excited about Christmas and why I rarely decorate or put up a tree. Why Halloween is more my favorite holiday than Christmas. Here is my most remembered Christmas.

My first memory of Christmas, the one that haunts me most happened when I was around 6 or 7 years old or so, I don't remember much of my early childhood because i have blocked most of it out, but I do remember this. We had a german shepard named "Duchess" and my sister and I loved her like crazy. She was our first dog and a beloved friend. We were so excited for christmas that year, we had a tree with lots of lights on it. A real tree this year. As we got older my mom used a plastic tree more and more often. As kids will do, we stayed awake in our beds really late excited about Christmas morning.

In the morning we ran down stairs and looked for our dog to share in our happiness. Duchess was no where to be found. Yes, We woke up to find my parents had given away our dog on Christmas. I have asked them since why they would have chosen to give away a child's dog on Christmas and they always said that the people they were giving her too were moving and that was the best time. Best time? when is there a best time to give away someone's dog? Let's see, definitely not on Christmas!

I have tried to recapture the Christmas spirit for M, her first two Christmas's were pretty good I think. No tree, but I did get her a lovely stocking and I try to get her one really big gift. Last year we went to a great Christmas party with her friends. I want her to remember Christmas as a time of happiness and love.

I Dream Of General Mills

2008-12-02T16:29:00.000-08:00

Ayuda me, por favor! I am sick of mac n cheese and the legendary food of poor people everywhere, Ramen. My mom gave us bananas today and I had to say sarcastically "ya, that's exactly what we need" Now I have bananas and spoiled milk. Our milk expired on Nov 23rd. I try to ration it so much it actually went bad. That plan didn't work. We have a couple bags of onions, what can you make out of onions? I better do some research over at allrecipes.com.

I went up early to try and score a stamp from mom but she wasn't here. For once she didn't wake us up with the knock knock door and it was the one day I needed her. M and I went outside for awhile until I got bored. I knew Mom would interrogate me as to whether we were outside or not and of course she did when she got home. My part time job possibility did not call me today either so I guess that's it. M spent a large chunk of the day continually asking me when we were going home. Christmas will really stink for her. I might be able to get her a gift with the points from using my visa card. I am definitely toooooo Emo today to get anything constructive written so I might as well sign off.

edit* later during the evening, M helped me make a music playlist for the blog and we had a "Dance Off" it was SUPER fun. She won. Kid's got some major moves.

2 AM and having homesick pangs

2008-12-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

I am looking at photos of our home in New Zealand and wondering why we had to lose everything. I was happier there than I have ever been in my entire life, for one brief golden moment life was how it should be. Because some group of morons had to make the decision to rob someone they destroyed a family's entire life. I miss my beautiful home, my friends, my mountains, my car, my aggravation over the food choices, my ability to get needed asthma medicine easily, my neighboring horses, my fresh fruit stand up the street, my cold mornings with a gas fire, my rainbows, my long walks with M.....I don't usually wish ill on people but I hope someday those guys learn what it is to suffer, the same way they made my family suffer. I still have this frightened feeling that the other shoe is still waiting to drop and we still haven't had everything bad happen.

awww gee, maybe I will go back to watching "Ghost Adventures" on youtube. At least that makes me laugh and might pull me out of this morbid funk I am in all of a sudden. My homesickness started tonight because some New Zealand person made me his contact on flickr. M asks me where our home is and I have to say..we don't have a home. ok..stop stop stop...bye blog, going to watch GA.

M's video of the week

2008-12-01T21:41:00.000-08:00

M really enjoys the videos and music of Rhian Sheehan. There are two in particular she is crazy for "Hiding Place" and "Afternoon on the Moon". In "Hiding place" she likes the little girl, the colors, and the scenes of New Zealand. She frequently asks to watch either this one or her other favorite. I happy that we share a love of music and she likes my favorite artists as well. Rhian Sheehan is one of my very favorites.

Rhian Sheehan "Hiding Place"

A talented, self-taught acoustic guitar player, Rhian Sheehan was introduced to the limitless possibilities of computerbased music making whilst studying composition at Canterbury University. At his Christchurch home, Rhian began recording towards his debut album – Paradigm Shift. Initial tracks focussed on acoustic guitar playing, both solo on 'My Absolution' and alongside Jolyon Mulholland on 'Humoured', with whom Rhian had performed regularly as the Alchemy Duo, touring internationally and playing with the likes of Paul Ubana Jones and Tommy Emmanuel.

Soon, however, the added expressiveness and emotional impact of the acoustic instrument when coupled with electronically generated beats and soundscapes became the basis for a new sound, first evidenced on 'She Walks Into Mine' and the album’s title track. Relocating to Wellington in 2000 opened new opportunities for Rhian – a receptive public were introduced to his music through the inclusion of two songs ('She Walks Into Mine' and 'Garden Children') on LOOP Magazine’s cover CD. The relationship with LOOP was solidified with the offer of an album deal from LOOP Recordings Aot(ear)oa and Paradigm Shift became the first release for the newly formed independent record label in June 2001.

Rhian Sheehan’s debut album 'Paradigm Shift' is regarded as a landmark in NZ electronica and was named New Zealand album of the year by music critic Colin Morris. It has since attracted huge interest from overseas labels. Tracks from Paradigm Shift have been included on seven international compilations including 'Café del Mar Vol. 10'. 'Te Karanga' from 'Tiny Blue Biosphere' has already been snapped up for 'Café del Mar Vol.11'. Rhian Sheehan also features on the 'Barramundi Vol.4' compilation alongside international artists including Jose Padilla, Tosca and Horace Andy. 'Tiny Blue Biosphere' elevates Rhian further into the international domain. Rhian Sheehan has also recently secured international licenses to MTV Europe and the UK’s BBC Channel 4.

A Good Day

2008-12-01T07:38:00.000-08:00

How often do I get to write that lately? Saturday really got away from me, I keep sleeping and waking up to find I missed a big chunk of my day. Maybe we really do have the carbon monoxide down here.

My sister and M2 left early on Sunday but not before they left me a box of Mayan drinking chocolate. Yum Yum Yummy! It's a good thing because we ran out of coffee so now at least I can still drink something. After they left I had a minor scuffle with mom over small things including whether I made sure my friends would be coming to the back door and not the front.

The girls showed up and instead of two of them there was three! hooray! Three friends, K, M3, and S13 will be their Military like code names. They came bearing a super big real birthday cake with balloons on it for M. The perfect cake! They also brought gifts, snacks and drinks. It was like the party mobile stopped by. We had a blast making fun of my mom. You can't imagine how nice it was to be able to vent with people who agree with me and know we have to get out too. They said they have been trying to reach me by phone for some time now. My parents live so stupidly far from everyone, I probably won't get to see the girls again for awhile. Takes K 1 hour to get here, M3 2 hours and S13 3 hours. argh the knock knock door brb. I am being forced to go outside for my daily constitutional.

Allright, I am back, it's quite a few hours later and I did have another coma moment for a couple hours, what the heck is going on with me? Sleep is a symptom of depression, is that what this is? or is it more sinister? Why are all 3 of us sleeping so much? With the basement all closed in for the winter and the heat on, should I worry? (more than I already do)

My mom came back from the hospital and handed me a plastic toy whistle and said that this was a replacement for the flute she got for her birthday. What I didn't mention in my Friday blog was that my sister got M a beautiful wooden flute and M went nuts! She loves music so much. Music and Dance are such an integral part of who she is. I think that is why she feel in love with Hawaii so badly. There is so much of dance and music available everywhere you go. M played the flute for a long time and of course, she doesn't know how and it was more pure noise than anything else but I didn't care. She was happy and enjoying herself. Someday she will learn to play it right but that isn't important right now. It's her feeling and expression. The grinch who stole birthdays and happiness took it away from her and locked it up. She said it's too noisy and she can't have it again until the spring and then she will be able to play it only outdoors. M cried and said her "music was gone" My mom is out to take away childhood happiness from yet another kid. She is like an evil witch in a book.

M3 had suggested trying phone sex for a job. I actually mulled it over as a possible option except for the fact that we would have to get a cell phone and there is no reception in the basement and it would be a conversation like "oh baby oh baby oh...shoot..lost the signal again" and T would have a fit if I did lol. The part time job people were supposed to call me today but they didn't. Looks like I blew it. This place is so annoyingly remote, it might as well be the Sahara. Though I could probably tend goats in the Sahara or search for buried treasure. You would think there should be something online I could do. I tried doing the surveys for money option and it took me about a month to earn 10 dollars. I will keep thinking, oh hey maybe a sleep research team can come find me and figure out why I am sleeping so much. I could be a guinea pig. I am so damn wimpy, why can't I walk farther?

Can someone tell my mom to be quiet up there? It's like a herd of elephants stomping around and M is trying to take a nap.

Highs and Lows and comatose in between

2008-11-29T15:38:00.000-08:00

Extraordinarily tired today. I got myself so worked up last night over the horrible birthday night it carried over into today and I still can't even talk about it. This morning my mom woke me up at 7 am and made me call the part time job I was supposed to be doing because she thought they wanted me to train today. This whole part time job is another can of worms I don't feel I can get into today. I told T last night bleakly that we are "never ever going to get out of here" That woman makes me fall back two steps for every one I take. She has all the cards in her hands, I can't fight her because she knows our weaknesses. She only has to make a few phone calls and I can lose my family. She knows that.

The morning wake up call was awful. The part time job person thought I was crazy to call. I told my mom that and she informed me that I am "crazy" Oh wait she is knocking on the door again so can't even finish my sentence. be back later!

Back, she was bringing down our weekly supply of skim milk and yogurt. Not like we would never need food or anything. I will survive on the dew of a single gingko leaf and the energy of the universe. On this plus side, I may lose weight.

Our dear friend, S called this morning and gave us sad news and super happy news. It was wonderful to have something nice happen for a change. After that is when I fell into a deep sleep for several hours. Luckily T, who has been feeling poorly the past few days, actually got up for a little while so was able to watch M for me.

I am still mortally tired. Maybe it was too much of an emotional roller coaster for me for today and yesterday. Th.......................zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Imagine this scene....

2008-11-28T19:12:00.000-08:00

A 3 year old in a beautiful party dress sitting alone at a big empty table eating a small piece of birthday cake. A single tear drips onto the frosting.

This was my Friday Night.

Thanksgiving? Thanks for what?

2008-11-27T11:46:00.000-08:00

The long story is we woke up early and went to see my sister who came to visit and M couldn't wait to see her. Went upstairs and had breakfast my sister made. I was beginning to think this wouldn't turn out so bad. My mom suddenly took M outside without asking me and with no winter coat on only a sleeveless dress and house slippers. It was 49 degrees outside today.

After breakfast, mom rushed my sister and M2 off to the hospital to see grandma ignoring M's cries to go with them. She was very upset and inconsolable for awhile as my sister is one of her favorite people here. My parents kept commenting on how much M eats and how noisy she is all during breakfast.

It sickens and saddens me how much my child wants attention from the people around her and they simply keep talking and don't acknowledge her like she isn't there. She kept saying "Come on everybody say "yo"!" and "Everybody clap your hands" but no one but me did. The look in her eyes breaks my heart. She wants so much to interact with people and have fun, she is such a people person, but they want her to be quiet and speak on request. My mom uses her like a show and tell object. In her play groups in New Zealand she was always popular and had so many friends. oh turn on the water works again. Can the damn drama llama stop coming to my house?

Later I put M down for a nap and started goofing around on the internet because I didn't have anywhere to go and we have to be quiet. I was surfing and ended up reading something about Japanese atrocities in WW2 and that it was never taught as history in school. I asked T about it and for some reason he flipped out at me. He went on this huge diatribe about how history is wrong and it ended up being about my mom. I kept asking him to stop, but he didn't. I don't know how long it would have lasted but our good friend S called and cheered us up quite a bit.

After that, my sister offered to take me and M for a little drive around town since M was down she didn't get to go anywhere. We stopped by the drug store and my sister bought me some needed personal hygiene supplies (ie conditioner etc...) Came back home and had Thanksgiving dinner. My mom announced that it was nice to have my sister and M2 there which made Thanksgiving very special. She said it wasn't the same as having us there as we were forced to be there so we didn't count.

Dinner was ok, some good stuff some bad. They are trying to get M to call my brother's gf "Aunt" again which really really angers me. M ate a ton once again causing my father to complain about how much she eats. I know I need to get our diet sorted out somehow but we have no choice presently as I can't even get her to the store to get her some food. All we eat is boxed, processed foods and delivery. Of course we are unhealthy, unhappy and generally ill kempt from lack of supplies. I am a make up freak and I had to give that up. Now I just look like a freak.

Later M was trying to get my parents to watch a video tape with her (you guessed it, they use VHS tapes still) and M got her finger hurt in the VCR. The minute I leave her alone with my mom she always gets hurt. I was alone in the kitchen for a second gathering up some of M's toys she brought upstairs with her when my mom came in and said "Your daughter is VERY badly behaved" and walked out. So I forced M to go downstairs. 20 minutes later my mom asked her to come back up to watch "Ratatouille" a movie that M doesn't really like. Of course she didn't sit still and she was noisy because she was bored. She is a 3 year old. They told her she should go to bed. Commenting on how much she eats again was my cue to exit once more.

Tomorrow should be really great when my brother and his gf come for dinner. Shoot me now!

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? NOT ME

2008-11-26T09:16:00.000-08:00

I live in a basement under some crazy people. It's only noon time but I have already had a full day of madness. I have one "Mother" of a headache. Mom woke us up early to complain about various issues. She doesn't like that our clothes are folded on top of the dresser so she brought a storage bin to put them in. Our clothes are folded on top of the dresser because all the furniture that is down here is already filled with their stuff. She won't take me some where to get hangers so we don't have any hangers. She says people give away free hangers all the time so you don't need to buy them. I am unsure of where the free hanger people live but I am sure she wouldn't drive me there anyway.

We have also been requested to hang up all their Christmas lights while she is visiting Grandma in the hospital today. Then she said she was going to the farm stand down to the street to pick up some pies she ordered and we could come if we wanted to, so I assumed that meant I could pick up a little food there. Its expensive and full of gourmet items I can't afford, a loaf of bread in their bakery is $3.50. I got M dressed up in her winter finery and took her upstairs to put her in the car. My mom asked me to hold on a minute she had to find something or other so M went and climbed into her car seat. My mom came storming out of the house and started yelling "Don't cram her into the car right away, let her play outside for awhile, she needs fresh air" blah blah blah. If fresh air makes you grow up like my mom, I am out of there. I blew my cool and yelled "What the F?" and I did say "F" as in the letter "F" not the bad word cause my kid was around "She wanted to get in the car, we thought you would be right back" This trip is off to a good start.

On the drive over she revealed to me that a job had called for me but she never bothered to tell me. I don't even know what to say about this. I am not even going to talk about it because it makes me too angry. We got to the farm stand and immediately mom told M she could go see the farm animals. We ran around and looked at bunnies, goats, sheep and a donkey that M proudly identified as a "Moose"

Went back in the store section and started to pick up a few items. I picked up a pumpkin muffin as that is the treat M and I share every time we go to the farm stand and my mom came over and said "You don't need that, put it down. I got M a donut" I looked at her trying to fry her with my laser eye beams "this is for us to share" she started to walk away "put it back and get in the car" she replied over her shoulder. I grabbed a loaf of bread, the offensive muffin and went to check out. She gave me the look of doom. She remarked she didn't have enough pies and I said "are you expecting alot of people?" "around 9" she responded. After berating me for not knowing who the 9 people would be (I apparently should know who she invites to Thanksgiving) Told me her plan to have a Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday with my sister and her significant other and "I am going to cook the Turkey in the oven downstairs!" This being the oven in our kitchen. yay. Then on Friday they will have a second Thanksgiving for my brother and his girlfriend, that will include M's birthday party. She mentioned they were in the process of buying my brother a brand new snow blower for his house. That's nice. She told me anyone who comes to visit us - made sure to make a point of this one - and the pizza delivery man should go to the back of the house, not to the front. They need to go back where there is no outside light and it's hard to get the door open. Great, new rule day. I think I might go lie down, I am feeling kind of tired. Talk to you later.

I woke up after a freakish long nap. Mom and T got in fight while I was asleep and it's only gone downhill from there. She came downstairs and started yelling about us putting all this extra crummy furniture and dirty toys she gave M in the utility room and T is freaking out at me. Yelling at M, Yelling at me. He put everything back in the utility room that she took out so now she will yell at me when she finds out. She brought down food for M but not for us. He keeps telling me all the things I am supposed to be saying to her but he doesn't say anything.

*Update* Battleground Mom took a casualty tonight. When we came here there was a old long low coffee table here and M bounced off of it a few times so we asked if we could move it out somewhere. We were told that this is not our house so we can't move anything but finally we stored it in the utility room. Mom found out we put it back there tonight and she forced us to put it back. Not even an hour having it back, M was jumping, fell and slammed her face into the coffee table. She has a cut on her brow and a black eye forming. My sister and M2 were here and they saw the whole incident and agreed that table was dangerous. T moved the table back into the utility room and he is going to have to fight her when she finds out. Us 0 Mom 1

Milk....the Final Battleground

2008-11-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

Fat free milk vs whole milk, the daily struggle took on a new level today. We really only use milk for our coffee which is our one real vice and M mostly drinks soy milk but for us we like to have it for our morning wake up routine. We both completely hate skim milk in coffee because it's like milk colored water. I don't mind using soy milk or non dairy creamer but he has to have milk. My mom insists that since I am "so fat" I need to use skim milk only and constantly gets us skim milk no matter how many times we ask for whole milk.

We had asked her to take us by the post office if she could find time in her schedule so we could mail a letter off to Japan to get some paperwork we need if we can ever afford to do the immigration application so she grudgingly agreed to take us in the morning. There is a little sort of pizza place/convenience store in the post office so I thought I could pick up some milk while we are there. It's a cold and rainy day, not a good day to be outside. Mom told me I didn't need milk because she had some upstairs and we could just have that. I said no, I didn't want her old skim milk. She brought down the remains of a gallon of skim milk. Around 2 inches left in the bottom. I told her it was ok, I would buy some at the store at the post office.

She drove us over there and parked very far away so we had to walk through the rain along the busy road. We weren't prepared for that so we had no umbrellas or rain gear, we thought it was a quick trip to the post office. Yes, there was parking right in front of the building. I waded through the ankle deep puddle she parked the car in and we slogged our way to the post office. Mom immediately disappeared into the store section with M. I paid for the letter to go to Japan then I went over to the store section to get milk. As I picked up a gallon of milk and headed for the register all of a sudden mom started yelling at me in front of all the people in the store "I already gave you milk, you don't need that! put it back!" and I responded "No, I want to buy some milk that we want to get, and have more than the little bit you gave me" and M said "Mommy I am so hungry". M hadn't eaten yet because we don't have much for breakfast food so I hadn't given her anything yet. I asked her what she wanted to eat and Mom said "She has plenty to eat at home" grabbed M's kiddy umbrella out of T's hands and stormed off with M into the parking lot. T and I were appalled and embarassed. I had asked the clerk not to finish ringing up my sale because I had wanted to add something in for M to eat. The clerk didn't meet my eyes and simply said "$4.59 please". It was awful. We drove back to the house in silence and mom parked on the street and made us walk through the rain up their long driveway to the house.

We have lost so much money because of her, having to spend money on motels when we could have simply stayed in the spare room upstairs, not being able to go to a grocery store we can afford, having to pay her for groceries we don't want or need, having to order delivery food because she won't take us to the store etc..T always wants me to argue with her about everything but he doesn't realize I can't. If they throw us out we have no where to go. I have to bite my lip and bear it as much as I can for now. It's a catch 22 life.

I was fantasizing last night about living in Hawaii. T found out that the Hair dresser's license test is administered in Japanese as well. There is a perfect mix of culture for M to grow up in. There are lots of Japanese there and many signs in Japanese. There are Japanese stores and half Japanese children. Everyone is so nice to M and she is so happy there. I am not one for tropical heat but if my family is happy, then I am happy. Plus M is obsessed with Hula. When we were last in Hawaii, M met a famous Ukelele player who played especially for M and said she really has something special in her hula. It was amazing. Next to living in NZ again that would be a perfect place for us. If someday we can pull ourselves up out of this morass of unhappiness we call a life perhaps we can go there and live. Or I can sink into fantasy life and live in a mental hospital but really think I live on an island. Didn't that happen in "LOST"? with the fat guy there, Hurley? I have no idea what is going on in that show.

Until then, it's Battle Royale of the dairy variety.

Sing Along For Sarah

2008-11-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

I understand so well your feelings. Homesickness comes and goes with me, the smallest thing can set it off. Remember, dear heart, that home is wherever your beautiful girl is. When you are feeling down, simply

dare to be stupid!

Dare to be Stupid - Weird Al Yankovic

Dare To Be Stupid Lyrics
Artist:Weird Al Yankovic
Put down that chainsaw and listen to me
It's time for us to join in the fight
It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys
It's time to let the bedbugs bite

You better put all your eggs in one basket
You better count your chickens before they hatch
You better sell some wine before it's time
You better find yourself an itch to scratch

You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Wipple's not around
Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan

Talk with your mouth full
Bite the hand that feeds you
Bite off more than you can chew
What can you do
Dare to be stupid

Take some wooden nickles
Look for Mr. Goodbar
Get your mojo working now
I'll show you how
You can dare to be stupid

You can turn the other cheek
You can just give up the ship
You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip

Dare to be stupid
Come on and dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Let's go

It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill
So can I have a volunteer
There's no more time for crying over spilled milk
Now it's time for crying in your beer

Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA
Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet
And party 'till you're broke and they drive you away
It's OK, you can dare to be stupid

It's like spitting on a fish
It's like barking up a tree
It's like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free

Dare to be stupid (yes)
Why don't you dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Dare to be stupid

Burn your candle at both ends
Look a gift horse in the mouth
Mashed potatos can be your friends

You can be a coffee achiever
You can sit around the house and watch Leave It To Beaver
The future's up to you
So what you gonna do

Sleep is a 5 Letter Word

2008-11-24T16:34:00.000-08:00

We almost had a good morning to sleep but M woke up early. She must be getting used to waking up early now which I am guessing is part of Mom's ultimate plan. Since we were pre awaken when mom did the "knock knock door" ha we were already up. She looked disappointed to find us awake and then said today I could do laundry if I wanted to. She said they were leaving to go to the hospital as usual.

We spent a quiet day, we were feeling tired and worn out after yesterday's birthday debacle. I know my birthday obsession stems from my youth when I always wanted to have a big party with all my friends but I never was able to have one. It was either a family party or I would be allowed to have one or two friends come only. My birthday one year I was told I could invite one friend. The following year, my sister got to have a Kermit the Frog theme birthday with party hats, plates, a big cake and lots and lots of friends. I don't want M to ever feel neglected and sad like that and last year she had a birthday that is still talked about in New Zealand. This year, she had the kind of birthday my mom is best at. She told M that her "real" birthday party would be on Thursday when my sister and brother would be here for Thanksgiving. She has also replaced M's picture on the refrigerator with a huge photo of my brother and his girlfriend.

Mom came back and started banging on the door during M's nap. Woke her up. She said she needed to talk to me so I had to go upstairs and listen to the list of things I had done wrong during the day. I didn't fold all my laundry and I dried a zip up sweater with the zipper unzipped. This would lead to the dryer being scratched up and ruined. She wanted to know why M was still sleeping, why did I ask stupid questions about grandma in the hospital? and the trash goes out tonight. Did we go outside today? What have we been doing? Makes my head hurt. I made the instant mac n cheese for dinner tonight with a side order of Cheez-its.

Birthday

2008-11-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

It's early check in on M's birthday day. We were awoken out of a deep sleep by mom barging downstairs carrying M's presents. She handed us a cake and said she was leaving to go spend the day at the hospital with grandma. so she isn't going to spend time with her grand daughter on her birthday. Ok fine. While she was down here I was trying to put all the presents out of reach and of course, M was freaking out about wanting to open the gifts NOW. M started crying suddenly saying that "grandma hurt me" I don't know what happened but M was upset and mom left. She left a cake that is one of those fancy adult cakes. Better than nothing but not what I had in mind.

Yesterday I asked her to take me to the store so I could get M a cake. I saved a little bit of money to get her a fun character cake and I couldn't wait to go pick one out. I had skimped out on actual presents to get a cake. I got her three presents and the cake was going to be the fourth one. I asked mom to take me to the store so I could get M something special for dinner for her birthday and a cake. She said no, and then said she would get whatever I needed. I told her a cake and something nice for dinner.

She came back that evening with a box of instant macaroni and cheese, cheez-its, applesauce, microwave popcorn, and bottled water. What do I do with that? These are not anything I would have chosen. I know I am lucky to get anything, but how hard is it to take a few minutes to take us to the store? Why can't she take us to the store ever? We haven't gone to the store in a month.

Anyway, M is done watching her show so now off to find something I can use as a birthday candle. Nope, she didn't get candles either..

1:14 pm T is vacuuming, M is in her party dress. We are waiting for my friend, L to arrive. She is going to stop by Target and pick us up some birthday candles. She called earlier and apparently when my dad answered the phone he didn't really want to let her talk to me before he came and told us there was a phone call. He never hung up the other phone either so I could hear the tv upstairs through my whole conversation. After we talked briefly, I had to go upstairs to hang up the phone. It's like you can't take 5 seconds from your busy day of sitting on your rear to hang up the phone? I am again at the boiling point today. They can be so freakin' selfish. My dad didn't even say "Happy Birthday" to M. T is using the broken vacuum cleaner they gave us. The roller bar is being turned by a rubber band. Just a regular old rubber band. There are two brand new vacuum cleaners upstairs but they won't let us use one because they don't want me to "break it" I get angry at them and then I take it out on my family, it's really not fair. At times I feel it's all T's fault that I am in the mess in the first place. I know it's not something he could have helped but he should try harder to fix this. or something. yes, Happy Birthday!

I lost my train of thought on this so all I can add is that my father NEVER did say "Happy Birthday" to M. My mother spelled M's name wrong on the top of the cake. Also, it was only a one layer cake. I believe you have ask special for a birthday cake like that to be only one layer? She also brought us some fat free frozen yogurt. I asked her why she spelled the name on the cake wrong, she said it must have been the bakery. Then I said it was also written on the birthday card from her. She made her mouth into a tight line and went back upstairs.

How do you get fired as a volunteer?

2008-11-21T11:59:00.001-08:00

Taking a break from cleaning for M's birthday weekend and watching my favorite "How clean is your house" when I get a phone call. Today is one of the days I am allowed to answer the phone because mom is afraid she will miss a call from one of Grandma's many doctors. So the phone call is the director of the organization my mom has been volunteering for and basically they told me they are letting her go citing too many family issues. They were nice about it but still they told me to tell her "don't call us, we will call you" gosh, I can't wait to give her that message. I better wear a football helmet and padding. Let you know how that turns out. Put on your helmets!

Today's arguement between me and T. Is Boston well known to foreigners? He says it isn't but I just proved to him after I found a poll that the top places in the US are New York, "Florida" Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Boston. He is so hard headed. Now we fight about trivial stuff.

It's about 6:30 now and mom has been going up and down our stairs puttering around. I told her about the job and she was upset, but not loud or angry in the way I expected. She said that she thought they may have made the decision based on the fact she hasn't shown up in over 3 weeks. I would agree that would be a reason. She is now subdued and only mildly insulting rather than her usual. In fact, she only accused me of letting mice in the house and not making M wear a sweater so for her, that's quiet.

T and I made up for our dopey argument about the US list of well known places and the three of us played "How clean is your house?" using cleaning tips from the show we all worked hard to make the place gleaming. I can tell you the best part of that show, we can't afford cleaning products but they have lots of inexpensive cleaning tips like using salt (.99 cents yo!) as a mildly abrasive cleaner with hot water and dish soap. It worked like a charm!!! Plus it has the extra advantage of not being toxic for the environment.

A link to uses for Salt as a cleaning agent
http://www.greenfootsteps.com/cleaning-with-salt.html

Here is a part of an episode for anyone who doesn't know this show. T has a HUGE crush on Kim, btw. It's hilarious.

Warning: Graphic Dirt!!

M's video of the week

2008-11-21T11:16:00.000-08:00

M is pretty smart, too smart. She taught herself to view videos on my computer and she even plugs in the headphones to listen. She has found this video to be on her replay list because she says it is very funny. She likes MC Mong's videos for the humor and dancing. She loves dancing.
For nearly 3 years old she is pretty hip.

I like at the end when he tells the girl "Listen closely and remember this, Until I die, I will only choose you" aww how romantic.

Born on September 4, 1979, MC Mong is a South Korean hip hop artist who is known for his comic disposition and his upbeat songs. He first debuted as a member of People Crew, which debuted in 1998. Because he was overshadowed by other members in his group, he was not noticed until 2003, when he acted in MBC's Non-Stop 4. His albums are known mostly for their comedic styles (aided by humorous music videos), although his most recent album has taken on a slightly more serious tone. His nickname is "monkey" due to his resemblance to the animal; most Korean variety shows reference this.
--Wikipedia

i feel crazy - MC Mong ft. Mac

Mind Fog

2008-11-20T19:25:00.000-08:00

Should not have stayed up so late last night. I am literally a zombie. The "knock knock door" was back today in the form of a "Talk" but thankfully M followed me upstairs and mom was afraid to "Talk" in front of her. She ended up writing me a note asking me if I thought M would be upset seeing Grandma in the hospital with a tube up her nose. I don't know, what do you think? She also informed me that she would be taking us to the library before she went back to the hospital. Being half asleep I don't think I understood much about what was going on there conversation wise. She told us to go have breakfast and then she would take me to the library.

After breakfast, -granola bar for M- I got M dressed and tried to make some coffee in the broken coffeemaker they gave us and sure enough today was one of the days it wouldn't work. It's pretty hit or miss with that machine. It's always when I feel I need coffee the most though. To cap off the morning fun the toilet backed up. We have a very small closet bathroom with a shower and toilet and the toilet doesn't always drain properly so you can have a problem there at times. Especially when the basement floods it gets pretty messy, once it overflowed completely into the shower. The back up happens every couple of weeks but today it was in concert with the coffee maker.

Drove to the library with minimal conversation as it's impossible to do small talk with my mom. You never know when the flip out will happen so I am usually quiet. She dropped us off at the front door and then went to do some mysterious errand. M and I went to the children's library and met a very nice woman and her 3 year old and M had fun playing with her until she had to go. I started to browse in the Young Adult section as I was drawn in by the "Twilight" posters (ya ya I read em, you know you did too) I also noticed a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" and thought about rereading it. Like a ninja, mom came up behind me and told me that was the wrong section for M "I know" I replied "I was looking for books for me" she gave me a look of scorn and retorted "Those books are too young for you, get out of there" She picked up some books that M wasn't interested in and told us we had to leave so mom could go back to the hospital. I asked her if she could check out a book for me (adult section book btw) since I have nothing left to read and no library card in the US, she looked at me and picked up her books and walked out. Only that woman can make a short trip to the library be a glimpse of hell. On the way back I made a fatal mistake and tried small talk. "It's really cold out today" I said. She questioned me "Don't you go outside every morning?" warning warning warning my mind alerted me red alert red alert "not today" I replied abandon ship repeat abandon ship "You need to go outside every day, the way you treat M is nothing short of abusive, you never take her outside you need to go outdoors..." and it went on and on and on and on........
She dropped us off at the house and said she was late for the hospital. To really dig a hole for myself I asked her if they made her punch in at the hospital. I got a glare to smite me dead for that one. My mouth is a menace.

With them out of the house we had another full run of the upstairs, so we ate all their tortilla chips - I will pay for that someday- and most of the time my grandmother's personal phone line was ringing. We don't have our own phone line and we are not allowed to answer the phone unless we get permission first. My grandmother who had a stroke and can barely talk has her own phone line. This is how it is. My entire family is on a family cell phone plan for years now, my brother and sister both have their own phone paid for by my parents. I was never invited to have a cell phone with them even when I was in the US. I get a little jealous when they are all discussing their cell phones and what plans they want to go with for next year. My mom doesn't let anyone call her cell phone because she wants to keep the line open for my brother and sister to call her. Indeed, they are the only ones who do.

Later that evening, "The knock knock door" was activated and mom came down with a gallon of fat free milk, we have told her time and again we hate fat free milk. She says I need to take responsibility for my weight or she will do it for me. She got M some juice. I have never given juice to M because I feel it's empty calories but my mom gives it to her non stop even though I constantly ask her not to. One of the reasons M has put on so much weight here. She gave us a box of salt free plain microwave popcorn, yogurt and a loaf of french bread. This is supposed to keep a family of three fed until next week. Then she told me she was going to get a cake for M for her birthday. She knows this was something I was looking forward to doing. I have been so excited to pick out a cake I know M will love and get excited over. Now my mom is taking that away too. She says now that she brought us all these groceries we don't need a ride to the store so stop asking. Only one of my friends will come to M's birthday on Sunday. This is how it is.

Chef Boyardee

2008-11-19T22:27:00.000-08:00

Morning was relatively quiet, surprise surprise. We all ended up sleeping really late. Mom apparently went to the hospital again to spend another 10 hours with grandma. Don't get me wrong, I care about my grandma but she is the center of my mom's universe when M should be in that pantheon somewhere. We had a good time with the run of the whole house. We are like children let out to play. They don't have anything good to eat up there though. Everything is Fat Free, Salt Free, Sugar Free and Taste Free. T was pointing out the high amounts of sodium there is in so much of the fat free products. All the things she gives M to snack on have some kind of artificial sweetner which I don't want her to eat.

When mom finally came home she called to me from the top of the stairs. Boy, it was time for a "Talk" again. Whoa, its 33o am, I better get some shut eye before she wakes me up at 7 am again.
to be continued.....

I better finish this one before my memory deletes it. Let's skip to the part when mom comes home again after our happy day of treating her home as our own. We watched a couple episodes of one of our new favorites shows "How Clean Is Your House?" on their tv which is a real size tv. We have a little 13 inch tv in the basement and it's oddly pleasing to watch tv on a large television again.

So she comes home and demands I go upstairs for a "Talk" this was a doozy. One of the worst ones since I have been here. She demanded to know why I asked about the empty house they have for rent and I am damn lucky to be living here and I don't appreciate how lucky I am. She accused T of being a liar and not really working on his immigration status and doesn't love me and M at all. She said I am an abusive mother and I should have my child taken away from me. She says I can't have a civilized conversation without crying or getting upset. Perhaps because her civilized conversations are always threatening, demeaning and angry. It was pretty awful. My dad sat in the other room watching television with no comment. I ran downstairs hysterical because she knows just where to hurt me, where my insecurities lie. She knows because she put them there. I lay on the bed sobbing and little M came to me and hugged me and said "Don't cry mommy, I am here..I am right here" She is such a strong, beautiful person, she deserves so much better than the life I give her. I have never desired alot of money, or a huge house, or many things, I simply want my daughter to be happy, safe and well loved. For a time in New Zealand, I discovered that dream life. My tiny family is everything to me. I would die for them. I asked T if he could still get his green card if I was gone and then he got upset with me and ended up going on and on about my mom for an hour. When we had the problem in NZ it was bad for a different reason. It was real and tangible and not personal. What my mother does to me is insidious and evil. I can't even fight it. I would rather someone punch me in my face than play mind games with me. I can fight back, but I can't fight that.

In a bizarre change of face which makes me wonder if she is a split personality, mom brought us down a Chef Boyardee pizza. T and I both commented that it tasted like medicine and the baby wouldn't eat it. I said to T "If this was a horror movie, my mom poisoned the pizza" He laughed and agreed but we were both a little unsettled lol. Mom didn't speak to us again that evening even when I returned the pizza plate to upstairs. When M went to bed she kept waking up screaming from nightmares so I didn't sleep for a long time. I watched a Korean movie called "Ryeong" online. For some reason scary movies cheer me up. I guess watching someone fight ghosts is how I need to fight my mom. We call my mom "Onibaba" which means "Demon woman" in Japanese.

Never a normal conversation 'round here

2008-11-18T09:20:00.000-08:00

No "knock knock" door this morning. Only the sounds of furniture moving and banging over our heads. The mom came down about 11 am and M followed her upstairs so I had to go up and get her. I asked mom if it was ok if a few of my friends came over to celebrate M's birthday (last time I asked about an occasion she flipped out and said my friends would bother grandma) but today she said she didn't mind but had to throw in the comment "since it's YOUR space even though you don't PAY to live there". There is no one who is better at making nasty comments, I tell you. She offered to make M a cake but I hesitated for two reasons, 1. her cakes aren't very good and 2. M really likes store bought cake because she rarely gets to have one. As I hesitated my mom remarked "You really need to start watching what you spend since you spend so much money on pizza" that made me fly into a black rage. She is the reason I have to spend money on pizza. She never takes us to the store regularly so I have to get us food somehow. She spends 10 hours a day in the hospital with my grandmother but she can't spare a half hour to take us to the store. We have only bought pizza 4 times since we have been here. Because they don't help us we won't even be able to buy groceries soon so she has no reason to make any comment.

I need Anger Management classes, I really do. I feel so angry all the time. Maybe walking or doing some exercise will help. As for M's party, I hope some people will come. My friends don't come over much at all. They are all nervous around my mom and a long time ago I couldn't get anyone to come over at all. She used to be really cruel to one of my best friends and she is terrified to come over. When we were in high school she used to call her a whore, a prostitute, loser, hooker, etc...This is a girl who graduated from her school as the valedictorian. When i go back and read what I wrote I think to myself "good lord, what was I thinking coming back here?"

Unmotivational Tapes

2008-11-17T14:06:00.000-08:00

I am tired. Woke up to the daily song of the "knock knock door". Mom woke us all up simply to say she was on her way to the hospital and today I was allowed to answer the phone. She wanted M to come visit Grandma in the hospital today but then mom called to say that she didn't want her to come after all. She instructed us by phone to make sure we went outside for awhile. Spent some time cleaning and spending our time outdoors as instructed. I don't know how she knows, but she can always tell if we have been outside or not.

One disappointment today was I had got M a "Thomas and Friends" dvd off ebay for .99 cents! for her birthday and it came in the mail today so I left it on the counter while I folded laundry because I thought she was having her nap. She woke up and found the dvd before I saw her so I had to give it to her today. She is happy with it though. It reminds her of her best friend in NZ. He loves Thomas. She always asks me when she will see him again. She told me just now that "O is coming, he is coming!" I never know what to tell her when she talks about him.

I haven't done much online the past few days except watch a couple movies. My brain hurts, lol.

The Final Straw

2008-11-16T13:26:00.001-08:00

We found out today some shocking news. I am so angry right now I can't even wrap my head around it. We originally came here because my parents had promised we could live in one of their houses but when we got here they gave it to my brother instead. They installed us in the tiny basement with no light instead. The basement which regularly floods forcing us to stay in motels we can't afford, the basement that had an alarm for Carbon Monoxide going off in it regularly till my mom said it was just malfunctioning and took the battery out. A family of 3 cramped into two rooms.

Anyway, they have other houses which they rent out and one of them is a house I always loved. Its bright and clean and central to everything. Stores are in walking distance, the bus and train to the big city are right there convenient. There is a bustling downtown available. The house has a nice fenced in yard, a big garage. It has light sunny kitchen with 2 bedrooms. Perfect for kids. I have wanted to live in that house since my parents bought it for a song at the right time. It has this wonderful welcoming feeling that I love.

Turns out the house is empty right now. The person who was renting it has moved out. So it's just sitting there EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We live in two tiny rooms with no sunlight no way to get anywhere no hope and they have a perfectly good home. I asked my father today why we couldn't live in it and he said "oh sure if you can pay the heat bill" sarcastically. This is the same guy who bought a brand new car a few weeks ago then used their old one as a trade in for cheap instead of offering it to us. I know parents don't have to help you, it's not a right that we have help. I don't expect them to help me, I know better than that by now. Please can't they think of their grandchild? I am so done with them if I can get out of here. that's it, why do I need to care? I keep trying to convince myself that they are helping us because we do have heat and a roof over our heads but how does that help when we cant afford food and we cant get to the store even if we had money and if I cant get to work. Maybe it's me, maybe I am looking at this from the wrong angle.

We had to go to the hospital today to visit my grandmother who is in ICU. My mother spends 10 hours a day with her. She told me I had to go visit her today and wouldn't let me bring M. I touched the monitor asking what some number meant and managed to turn the whole screen off. Leave it to me. Anyway, this blog is very cathartic, it's nice to have a place to spew out all my turmoil. I wonder if I can sell my soul on Ebay for a car?

Movie: Let The Right One In

2008-11-15T22:57:00.001-08:00

Låt den rätte komma in (2008)

A Swedish vampire movie. How often do we see one of those?_?

I watched this film tonight as the buzz is the director of "Cloverfield" would be doing a remake and I wanted to see the original before the American version spoils it for me. What a haunting and melancholy movie. I LOVED it. It's the story of a young lonely boy, Oskar, who is bullied at school alot and he has fantasies of being tough and standing up to them. He makes a friend in the enigmatic Eli. She is a vampire. The characters are well done and sympathic, the acting is wonderful. There is some gore and blood but not overly so and it fits the storyline. Overall, the film is dark, sad and bursting with haunting imagery. Completely fit my mood. I have never really gotten the whole "vampire craze" and I never found them to be sympathetic figures. For the first time, I found a glimpse of what intrigues people so much.

The Silent Treatment

2008-11-15T20:11:00.000-08:00

It's The Silent Treatment day! Today my mom only spoke to me twice. Once to say "give me the phone" and "Why doesn't she have any underwear on?" Meaning M and how she had just used the potty and hadn't gotten her pants back on yet. My sister came to visit real quick and M is so crazy about her she ran upstairs without being fully dressed. Not a crime, she is a child. The rest of the day mom didn't say a word to me. She acts like I am not there. I talk and she doesn't respond. It's really very creepy in a way. She goes through phases where she pretends I am not here. Means I have done something to seriously offend her. No idea what that was. I am tired and worn out and sometimes I think the fight is leaving me. We had a hard time before we came here and I thought we would get a respite and safe harbour. I thought M would help mello my mom's attitude towards me. Nope, not a chance. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire.

How did I leave this house of unhappiness in the first place you might wonder? Well, I was finishing my 2nd year of college and as young girls do, I went out clubbing on the weekends. I didn't drink, don't smoke, I always really loved to dance. I drove into town and had a great time dancing with my friends and got home fairly late. My mom was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs - in the dark I might add- and she laid into me telling me I waste my money, I was a slut, I had no right to be out at night it went on and on.. It was vicious and I told her I would leave she kept it up. She kept right on going and I started to back up to my car. She picked up rocks and started throwing them at me, at my car. She told me if I got in my car I should never come back again. So I jumped into my car avoiding the rocks she was throwing at me and sped off into the night. Went and lived with my friend, J and his family and didn't contact my mother again for a long time.

I contacted my mom after a long time because I missed my brother and sister and I always have some kind of wierd urge to have my mom like me. I keep trying to impress her with my life somehow. No matter what, I have spent my life searching for her approval. I was always jealous of my friends that had close fun families and who could call their mom's up and have a nice conversation, just tell their mom's about their day and come to them with problems. I try to be there for my daughter, to listen to her and to give her as much love and hugs and I possibly can. Perhaps I can't do anything for her because I am already too damaged but I want to try, I want to make her remember her life with me as loving and happy and not as a person who angers her. There is always tomorrow.

Another Day Another Wake Up

2008-11-14T17:15:00.000-08:00

I wrote about my whole day yesterday but didn't publish it because I had to go upstairs for a "Talk" and it shut off while I was gone.

Today was a repeat of yesterday. Knock Knock Knock Knock, she hands me a can of paint. "put this back" (part of where we live is the utility room) so you woke me up just to ask me to put paint back? This time when she woke us up, M started sobbing in these tired helpless cries that tore me up. I was angry, really angry. Instead of leaving, she sat on the stairs and talked. "I am going back to the hospital today" Actually alot of what she said this morning I can't remember, I was so tired. At one point she started to come downstairs and I told her to go away and go to the hospital. She asked M why mommy was so crabby and I replied "Because I don't like you" and she told me I wasn't a joy either. I never told her how I felt until the past few months when I realized I am tired of trying to impress her, make her proud of me. It's a lost cause. Now I simply Don't Like Her.

I do recall I was going to mention why I had no album covers when I was younger. During my high school years I would buy records and when she didn't like the album cover name or artwork I would find them ripped up on the floor when I came home from school. For instance "the Dead Kennedys" she objected to the name so she ripped that up right away then told me it was an insult to that great family. I never knew what would upset her so I never knew what records would have no covers when I got back. Incidently, she never has done this to my brother or sister.

Back to the present, she has decided we eat too much so she doesn't take us to the grocery store regularly anymore so we keep running low on food. She promised me yesterday to pick up some milk, bread and diaper wipes for us but it's 8:27 pm now and no wipes. *edit apparently she has been home and as I wrote this threw a small pack of diaper wipes down the stairs and left some reduced fat milk. It's like those books "Flowers In The Attic" I am like stuck in a horror movie. Trapped in the basement with no way out.

On a lighter note, despite everything going on around her, my little M has managed to learn to use the potty properly! you go girl!

Not Today

2008-11-13T13:55:00.000-08:00

When will I get some sleep??

2008-11-12T07:36:00.000-08:00

My mom's new project is making sure we don't get to sleep in the morning. This she is tackling with the upmost efficiency. Around 7 am ish she started vacuuming right over our heads and generally making a racket that sounded alot like someone building a house. She must have been smashing the vacuum cleaner into walls, slamming doors and stomping her feet as hard as possible. It was impossible to sleep. I don't need to sleep till say 10 am, but come on..give us an hour or so. I spend alot of time online lately trying to find work and at times I stay up late so being abruptly woken up all the time is really putting my day off. I have to ask mom to take us to the store or I need to order groceries online, I don't know which to do. If I ask mom it will be a whole huge thing because she doesn't think we need food.

Now several hours later she asks me to come upstairs in the infamous "Can I talk to you?" question T and I both dread. She starts out with "Several times I have asked you to match your hours to ours. It's not fair that grandma has to listen to you. I sat in her room last night I can hear you talking. She is coming home from the hospital today and you have to do something about this." Here I would point out Grandma goes to bed at 7 pm so she is asking my whole family to go to bed at 7.

She did have one of her more lucid moments today and showed me a beautiful doll she bought M for her birthday. I was very surprised at her choice of dolls. Normally I am not a big fan of very caucasion looking baby dolls but she found one that is actually Asian looking but not overly so. It looks alot like M when she was a baby baby. so today is a big surprise in that respect. She did gripe about the price and warned me that we all needed to go outside for a period of time.

Nutty never rests

2008-11-11T20:25:00.000-08:00

Mom came back from the hospital later this evening. Grandma is staying over night again, her blood pressure is really high and they think she had a seizure. Mom spent the whole day with her in the hospital. Finally she came back and M was very excited to see her so I let her go upstairs under my supervision for a quick visit. Why do I keep doing this?

M wanted to help mom change the sheets on Grandma's bed and I thought that would be ok. Upon noticing M was wearing her Jasmine sleeveless nightgown, mom commented "Why don't you have any clothes on?" "She didn't want to wear clothes today" I replied. She turns her back on me and starts to make the bed "Which one of you is the adult?" she asks. Ugh. My mother makes my grandmother's bed every day in a very particular order. There are decorative pillows that must be removed, decorative pillowcases that must be taken off the pillows themselves and exchanged for plainer "sleeping use" pillow cases. Then the quilt must be arranged just so and the sheets and blankets tucked in perfectly with no creases. M was trying to do her best to help but I could tell it wasn't really setting well with my mother. We had some idle chit chat about grandma in the hospital since thats all she wanted to talk about and it was pretend safe conversation ground though I always manage to slip up and say the wrong thing. Luckily we reached the non aggresive topic of urinary tract infections. It did lead to the information that she didn't really want M upstairs because she didn't want to chance grandma getting M's ringworm. Of course she made sure we put in our allotted hours of play outside. I pointed out M's injury from falling in the garden and a stick poked her eyelid. Looking for the sympathy vote here and it backfired. Then I got the health insurance lecture. Instead of cuddling the baby as a good grandma should she told her it looked like nothing. and with that, good night folks! can't wait till tomorrow in which we will discuss why I had no record covers when I was younger.

Knocking on the door of the past

2008-11-11T13:40:00.000-08:00

Fast asleep slowly I swim back to consciousness as I realize someone is banging on the door to the basement. I blearly open my eyes and remember that we are still living in my mother's basement and the knocking must be her banging on the basement door. "bang bang bang" then quiet..I settle back down with my daughter who, thankfully did not awaken and start to fall asleep again "bang bang bang" louder this time. I drag myself out of bed and realize that it is very early in the morning, the baby wakes up too and starts whimpering. "WHAT?" I say in an irritated voice, I can hear my husband groaning as he wakes up too. My mother opens the door at the top of the stairs "I have to go see Grandma in the hospital so I wanted to tell you that Dad is here and don't answer the phone" I can't seem to focus my eyes I am so sleepy "uh okay.....that's all you wanted?" She comes further down the stairs and hands me a sponge "here. use this to clean (something not sure what I am still half asleep) the baby stumbles in with half closed eyes "mommy? grandma?" My mother looks at the baby "someone stayed up too late last night" she says to her in an accusatory tone. She turns around and heads back upstairs, we can hear her stomping around on the first floor, making sure we are awake.

My husband asks "What the heck was that? she had to wake us all up to tell us not to answer the phone? You gotta blog about her, no one will believe it" I look at the sponge she gave me..it's used. Why did she give me a used sponge? what am I suppose to clean with it? What is the meaning of all this?

When we moved here I warned my husband that my mom would never let us sleep. She has always been of the opinion that people who sleep in will never make it in life. She used to wake me up every morning at 7 am even when I wasn't working or going to school. My mom is very opinionated and bossy. Some of her strongly held beliefs are:

People should work at only upstanding jobs like "accountant" or "secretary" The more mindless the task the better the job is. You must put everything into working, there is no room for sicktime or vacation.

People should live like its the colonial times. Apparently ye olde farming days were the golden age of mankind for my mom. Technology is evil!

People dont need to throw anything away and don't buy anything new. You don't need it. You can still use a tv antennae from 1962 (seriously she has one) No matter how old or broken it is it is still useful.

People should get up at the crack of dawn. This is partnered with her colonial living ideas.

Everyone should go outside every day for a long period of time. If you do not go outside for this period of time that only my mom knows the exact requirements of you must go back outside or face "The Puss Face"

People should not spend any money on anything that isn't necessary. You should only pay off debts and work. Anything else is wasteful and trivial. Consequently my mother has never been out of the country. That falls into the "no adventure" and "irresponsiblity" catagory.

The rules change all the time but it is up to you to figure them out. I thought if I moved my family in for awhile till we get our lives straightened out it would be a good respite but how wrong I was. I think I have doomed my own daughter to the same menace that has plagued my own life. I can only remember all the times I ran away from home growing up. I used to run away so often that my mom used to pack a suitcase for me. She knew I would be back, I had no where else to go. Even as an adult, I come back. After all, I am my mother's daughter.

Welcome to Balloon Land

2008-11-11T13:33:00.000-08:00

In my attempts to work out my relationship with my mother I thought I would write it all down. Perhaps, I thought, it will make more sense in black and white? probably not but here goes nothing. I call this blog "Balloon Land" for two reasons; balloon land is sort of a slang term for crazy and I always wanted to escape my life growing up so I spent alot of time in fantasy land rather than reality. Our parents really shape who we are and I wonder who I would be now if my life had been different growing up.

Once I was lamenting my lack of a normal family and one of my wiser friends said to me "You have your own family now, create the family you always wanted" so I try every day to be the opposite of my mom and how she made me feel as a child. Sometimes I get scared when I find myself falling into the same traps and patterns she laid for me. This may be a cautionary tale in which I find my own salvation. Bear with me, it's a crazy journey.