Feeling mighty down today so thought I would make myself a list of things that I am happy about and I need to remember when I am feeling down.
I have the best little girl ever
Even though I want to punch him out sometimes, I truly love my husband even after all these years and all our troubles and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else. Not even Johnny Depp or Tadanobu Asano (maybe)
I have the greatest friends a person could imagine
We are not quite homeless
I still have my camera
I have been able to travel the world
I have been happier than most people have a chance to be
I can still watch "Shortland Street" on bit torrent
I can still lose weight
I can still laugh
I can still love
I am still alive
I could still win the lottery one day
I still have a bag of rice left
I still love pizza
I can still watch ghost movies on my computer
See, it's all good.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Dinosaur Wins!
What a surprise, woke up out of a deep sleep to find my mother hovering over me. ahhh! that was a shock. come out of a nightmare and into a another. "We are going to the library in half hour, get ready" she ordered "why are you still sleeping, what's wrong with you?"
I used to fight with her or argue but now I am sort of dead inside. I rarely talk to her unless I have too. I don't do much of anything. I have no energy anymore, I give up. I got M dressed and bundled up into the car. Went to the library and M played with a little girl we met there. I found the book "Dinosaur Wins" that I have wanted to read for awhile and my mom refused to check it out but I kept putting it in the pile of her books (I am not allowed to check out a book) eventually she gave up. After the library she decided to take M to the park. She let M go down a slide covered with ice and M went flying off the end of the slide and bam onto her face and hands. Like I have said many times, whenever she is with my mom, she gets hurt. As usual, when M makes a friend of a child in the park my mom doesn't leave her alone to play but follows right on her telling her what to do and what to play. T calls her "fish sh?t" because she trails along behind M like a piece of...When M was finally having a good time and enjoying herself with her new friend, mom said it was time to leave and told me to go tell her. I told her to go tell her herself because it wasn't my idea to come to the park and I am not the one who is making her leave. I am tired of my mom trying to make me out to be a bad guy. I retreated back into my cone of silence after that. However, when she dropped us off back at the house she said she was leaving for the hospital and pulled out of the driveway. I went into the basement of doom and started yelling at T about how aggravated I am by her and all of a sudden I heard her voice at the top of the stairs reminding me that her housecleaners were coming and I had to be on the look out for them to let them in. She must have been at the top of the stairs listening to everything I said. I will pay for that in the future.
Me and M read the Dinosaur book and we love it! It makes her laugh to yell "Dinosaur Versus Spaghetti..Dinosaur Wins!" What a great book.
On an odd note, Officially I now have more New Zealand money than US money. I am ready to leave for Hawaii now, Is there a spot for me? It would be cool to live somewhere people don't ask me all the time why my daughter doesn't look like me. In Hawaii people thought we were locals. Some lady at the library asked me why my daughter didn't look like me at all, that happens all the time here. Americans are champions at rude questions.
Dinosaur Loses!
ahh Kill me now....This house is 300 cheaper! than my parents house that they are trying to rent. Probably because there is more of a volcanic threat than here.
Graceful & Elegant In Design
3 bedroom 3 bathrooms, 2 car garage, 2615 sq ft. Granite counters, stainless steel appliances, gas stove, hardwood floors, large master bedroom. Living room with fireplace, dining room, new bathroom upstairs with double sinks. Large back yard. 1.612.338.5573. Take Over Payments.
* Location: Close to Koula Street in Waipahu
this is left as a reminder to myself that if we ever can move, I should look on craigslist. I forget about that alot.
T is making fun of me because I am pretending I am moving to Hawaii without him. :P. He is no fun sometimes. M is trying to put socks on herself backwards. She has "Thomas the tank engine" on continual loop, it's starting to drive me nuts.
I used to fight with her or argue but now I am sort of dead inside. I rarely talk to her unless I have too. I don't do much of anything. I have no energy anymore, I give up. I got M dressed and bundled up into the car. Went to the library and M played with a little girl we met there. I found the book "Dinosaur Wins" that I have wanted to read for awhile and my mom refused to check it out but I kept putting it in the pile of her books (I am not allowed to check out a book) eventually she gave up. After the library she decided to take M to the park. She let M go down a slide covered with ice and M went flying off the end of the slide and bam onto her face and hands. Like I have said many times, whenever she is with my mom, she gets hurt. As usual, when M makes a friend of a child in the park my mom doesn't leave her alone to play but follows right on her telling her what to do and what to play. T calls her "fish sh?t" because she trails along behind M like a piece of...When M was finally having a good time and enjoying herself with her new friend, mom said it was time to leave and told me to go tell her. I told her to go tell her herself because it wasn't my idea to come to the park and I am not the one who is making her leave. I am tired of my mom trying to make me out to be a bad guy. I retreated back into my cone of silence after that. However, when she dropped us off back at the house she said she was leaving for the hospital and pulled out of the driveway. I went into the basement of doom and started yelling at T about how aggravated I am by her and all of a sudden I heard her voice at the top of the stairs reminding me that her housecleaners were coming and I had to be on the look out for them to let them in. She must have been at the top of the stairs listening to everything I said. I will pay for that in the future.
Me and M read the Dinosaur book and we love it! It makes her laugh to yell "Dinosaur Versus Spaghetti..Dinosaur Wins!" What a great book.
On an odd note, Officially I now have more New Zealand money than US money. I am ready to leave for Hawaii now, Is there a spot for me? It would be cool to live somewhere people don't ask me all the time why my daughter doesn't look like me. In Hawaii people thought we were locals. Some lady at the library asked me why my daughter didn't look like me at all, that happens all the time here. Americans are champions at rude questions.
Dinosaur Loses!
ahh Kill me now....This house is 300 cheaper! than my parents house that they are trying to rent. Probably because there is more of a volcanic threat than here.
Graceful & Elegant In Design
3 bedroom 3 bathrooms, 2 car garage, 2615 sq ft. Granite counters, stainless steel appliances, gas stove, hardwood floors, large master bedroom. Living room with fireplace, dining room, new bathroom upstairs with double sinks. Large back yard. 1.612.338.5573. Take Over Payments.
* Location: Close to Koula Street in Waipahu
this is left as a reminder to myself that if we ever can move, I should look on craigslist. I forget about that alot.
T is making fun of me because I am pretending I am moving to Hawaii without him. :P. He is no fun sometimes. M is trying to put socks on herself backwards. She has "Thomas the tank engine" on continual loop, it's starting to drive me nuts.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Ghosts of Christmas past
I wasn't going to write again today but I thought I would share a few of the reasons I am not excited about Christmas and why I rarely decorate or put up a tree. Why Halloween is more my favorite holiday than Christmas. Here is my most remembered Christmas.
My first memory of Christmas, the one that haunts me most happened when I was around 6 or 7 years old or so, I don't remember much of my early childhood because i have blocked most of it out, but I do remember this. We had a german shepard named "Duchess" and my sister and I loved her like crazy. She was our first dog and a beloved friend. We were so excited for christmas that year, we had a tree with lots of lights on it. A real tree this year. As we got older my mom used a plastic tree more and more often. As kids will do, we stayed awake in our beds really late excited about Christmas morning.
In the morning we ran down stairs and looked for our dog to share in our happiness. Duchess was no where to be found. Yes, We woke up to find my parents had given away our dog on Christmas. I have asked them since why they would have chosen to give away a child's dog on Christmas and they always said that the people they were giving her too were moving and that was the best time. Best time? when is there a best time to give away someone's dog? Let's see, definitely not on Christmas!
I have tried to recapture the Christmas spirit for M, her first two Christmas's were pretty good I think. No tree, but I did get her a lovely stocking and I try to get her one really big gift. Last year we went to a great Christmas party with her friends. I want her to remember Christmas as a time of happiness and love.
My first memory of Christmas, the one that haunts me most happened when I was around 6 or 7 years old or so, I don't remember much of my early childhood because i have blocked most of it out, but I do remember this. We had a german shepard named "Duchess" and my sister and I loved her like crazy. She was our first dog and a beloved friend. We were so excited for christmas that year, we had a tree with lots of lights on it. A real tree this year. As we got older my mom used a plastic tree more and more often. As kids will do, we stayed awake in our beds really late excited about Christmas morning.
In the morning we ran down stairs and looked for our dog to share in our happiness. Duchess was no where to be found. Yes, We woke up to find my parents had given away our dog on Christmas. I have asked them since why they would have chosen to give away a child's dog on Christmas and they always said that the people they were giving her too were moving and that was the best time. Best time? when is there a best time to give away someone's dog? Let's see, definitely not on Christmas!
I have tried to recapture the Christmas spirit for M, her first two Christmas's were pretty good I think. No tree, but I did get her a lovely stocking and I try to get her one really big gift. Last year we went to a great Christmas party with her friends. I want her to remember Christmas as a time of happiness and love.
I Dream Of General Mills
Ayuda me, por favor! I am sick of mac n cheese and the legendary food of poor people everywhere, Ramen. My mom gave us bananas today and I had to say sarcastically "ya, that's exactly what we need" Now I have bananas and spoiled milk. Our milk expired on Nov 23rd. I try to ration it so much it actually went bad. That plan didn't work. We have a couple bags of onions, what can you make out of onions? I better do some research over at allrecipes.com.
I went up early to try and score a stamp from mom but she wasn't here. For once she didn't wake us up with the knock knock door and it was the one day I needed her. M and I went outside for awhile until I got bored. I knew Mom would interrogate me as to whether we were outside or not and of course she did when she got home. My part time job possibility did not call me today either so I guess that's it. M spent a large chunk of the day continually asking me when we were going home. Christmas will really stink for her. I might be able to get her a gift with the points from using my visa card. I am definitely toooooo Emo today to get anything constructive written so I might as well sign off.
edit* later during the evening, M helped me make a music playlist for the blog and we had a "Dance Off" it was SUPER fun. She won. Kid's got some major moves.
I went up early to try and score a stamp from mom but she wasn't here. For once she didn't wake us up with the knock knock door and it was the one day I needed her. M and I went outside for awhile until I got bored. I knew Mom would interrogate me as to whether we were outside or not and of course she did when she got home. My part time job possibility did not call me today either so I guess that's it. M spent a large chunk of the day continually asking me when we were going home. Christmas will really stink for her. I might be able to get her a gift with the points from using my visa card. I am definitely toooooo Emo today to get anything constructive written so I might as well sign off.
edit* later during the evening, M helped me make a music playlist for the blog and we had a "Dance Off" it was SUPER fun. She won. Kid's got some major moves.
Monday, December 1, 2008
2 AM and having homesick pangs
I am looking at photos of our home in New Zealand and wondering why we had to lose everything. I was happier there than I have ever been in my entire life, for one brief golden moment life was how it should be. Because some group of morons had to make the decision to rob someone they destroyed a family's entire life. I miss my beautiful home, my friends, my mountains, my car, my aggravation over the food choices, my ability to get needed asthma medicine easily, my neighboring horses, my fresh fruit stand up the street, my cold mornings with a gas fire, my rainbows, my long walks with M.....I don't usually wish ill on people but I hope someday those guys learn what it is to suffer, the same way they made my family suffer. I still have this frightened feeling that the other shoe is still waiting to drop and we still haven't had everything bad happen.
awww gee, maybe I will go back to watching "Ghost Adventures" on youtube. At least that makes me laugh and might pull me out of this morbid funk I am in all of a sudden. My homesickness started tonight because some New Zealand person made me his contact on flickr. M asks me where our home is and I have to say..we don't have a home. ok..stop stop stop...bye blog, going to watch GA.
awww gee, maybe I will go back to watching "Ghost Adventures" on youtube. At least that makes me laugh and might pull me out of this morbid funk I am in all of a sudden. My homesickness started tonight because some New Zealand person made me his contact on flickr. M asks me where our home is and I have to say..we don't have a home. ok..stop stop stop...bye blog, going to watch GA.
M's video of the week
M really enjoys the videos and music of Rhian Sheehan. There are two in particular she is crazy for "Hiding Place" and "Afternoon on the Moon". In "Hiding place" she likes the little girl, the colors, and the scenes of New Zealand. She frequently asks to watch either this one or her other favorite. I happy that we share a love of music and she likes my favorite artists as well. Rhian Sheehan is one of my very favorites.
Rhian Sheehan "Hiding Place"
A talented, self-taught acoustic guitar player, Rhian Sheehan was introduced to the limitless possibilities of computerbased music making whilst studying composition at Canterbury University. At his Christchurch home, Rhian began recording towards his debut album – Paradigm Shift. Initial tracks focussed on acoustic guitar playing, both solo on 'My Absolution' and alongside Jolyon Mulholland on 'Humoured', with whom Rhian had performed regularly as the Alchemy Duo, touring internationally and playing with the likes of Paul Ubana Jones and Tommy Emmanuel.
Soon, however, the added expressiveness and emotional impact of the acoustic instrument when coupled with electronically generated beats and soundscapes became the basis for a new sound, first evidenced on 'She Walks Into Mine' and the album’s title track. Relocating to Wellington in 2000 opened new opportunities for Rhian – a receptive public were introduced to his music through the inclusion of two songs ('She Walks Into Mine' and 'Garden Children') on LOOP Magazine’s cover CD. The relationship with LOOP was solidified with the offer of an album deal from LOOP Recordings Aot(ear)oa and Paradigm Shift became the first release for the newly formed independent record label in June 2001.
Rhian Sheehan’s debut album 'Paradigm Shift' is regarded as a landmark in NZ electronica and was named New Zealand album of the year by music critic Colin Morris. It has since attracted huge interest from overseas labels. Tracks from Paradigm Shift have been included on seven international compilations including 'Café del Mar Vol. 10'. 'Te Karanga' from 'Tiny Blue Biosphere' has already been snapped up for 'Café del Mar Vol.11'. Rhian Sheehan also features on the 'Barramundi Vol.4' compilation alongside international artists including Jose Padilla, Tosca and Horace Andy. 'Tiny Blue Biosphere' elevates Rhian further into the international domain. Rhian Sheehan has also recently secured international licenses to MTV Europe and the UK’s BBC Channel 4.
Rhian Sheehan "Hiding Place"
A talented, self-taught acoustic guitar player, Rhian Sheehan was introduced to the limitless possibilities of computerbased music making whilst studying composition at Canterbury University. At his Christchurch home, Rhian began recording towards his debut album – Paradigm Shift. Initial tracks focussed on acoustic guitar playing, both solo on 'My Absolution' and alongside Jolyon Mulholland on 'Humoured', with whom Rhian had performed regularly as the Alchemy Duo, touring internationally and playing with the likes of Paul Ubana Jones and Tommy Emmanuel.
Soon, however, the added expressiveness and emotional impact of the acoustic instrument when coupled with electronically generated beats and soundscapes became the basis for a new sound, first evidenced on 'She Walks Into Mine' and the album’s title track. Relocating to Wellington in 2000 opened new opportunities for Rhian – a receptive public were introduced to his music through the inclusion of two songs ('She Walks Into Mine' and 'Garden Children') on LOOP Magazine’s cover CD. The relationship with LOOP was solidified with the offer of an album deal from LOOP Recordings Aot(ear)oa and Paradigm Shift became the first release for the newly formed independent record label in June 2001.
Rhian Sheehan’s debut album 'Paradigm Shift' is regarded as a landmark in NZ electronica and was named New Zealand album of the year by music critic Colin Morris. It has since attracted huge interest from overseas labels. Tracks from Paradigm Shift have been included on seven international compilations including 'Café del Mar Vol. 10'. 'Te Karanga' from 'Tiny Blue Biosphere' has already been snapped up for 'Café del Mar Vol.11'. Rhian Sheehan also features on the 'Barramundi Vol.4' compilation alongside international artists including Jose Padilla, Tosca and Horace Andy. 'Tiny Blue Biosphere' elevates Rhian further into the international domain. Rhian Sheehan has also recently secured international licenses to MTV Europe and the UK’s BBC Channel 4.
A Good Day
How often do I get to write that lately? Saturday really got away from me, I keep sleeping and waking up to find I missed a big chunk of my day. Maybe we really do have the carbon monoxide down here.
My sister and M2 left early on Sunday but not before they left me a box of Mayan drinking chocolate. Yum Yum Yummy! It's a good thing because we ran out of coffee so now at least I can still drink something. After they left I had a minor scuffle with mom over small things including whether I made sure my friends would be coming to the back door and not the front.
The girls showed up and instead of two of them there was three! hooray! Three friends, K, M3, and S13 will be their Military like code names. They came bearing a super big real birthday cake with balloons on it for M. The perfect cake! They also brought gifts, snacks and drinks. It was like the party mobile stopped by. We had a blast making fun of my mom. You can't imagine how nice it was to be able to vent with people who agree with me and know we have to get out too. They said they have been trying to reach me by phone for some time now. My parents live so stupidly far from everyone, I probably won't get to see the girls again for awhile. Takes K 1 hour to get here, M3 2 hours and S13 3 hours. argh the knock knock door brb. I am being forced to go outside for my daily constitutional.
Allright, I am back, it's quite a few hours later and I did have another coma moment for a couple hours, what the heck is going on with me? Sleep is a symptom of depression, is that what this is? or is it more sinister? Why are all 3 of us sleeping so much? With the basement all closed in for the winter and the heat on, should I worry? (more than I already do)
My mom came back from the hospital and handed me a plastic toy whistle and said that this was a replacement for the flute she got for her birthday. What I didn't mention in my Friday blog was that my sister got M a beautiful wooden flute and M went nuts! She loves music so much. Music and Dance are such an integral part of who she is. I think that is why she feel in love with Hawaii so badly. There is so much of dance and music available everywhere you go. M played the flute for a long time and of course, she doesn't know how and it was more pure noise than anything else but I didn't care. She was happy and enjoying herself. Someday she will learn to play it right but that isn't important right now. It's her feeling and expression. The grinch who stole birthdays and happiness took it away from her and locked it up. She said it's too noisy and she can't have it again until the spring and then she will be able to play it only outdoors. M cried and said her "music was gone" My mom is out to take away childhood happiness from yet another kid. She is like an evil witch in a book.
M3 had suggested trying phone sex for a job. I actually mulled it over as a possible option except for the fact that we would have to get a cell phone and there is no reception in the basement and it would be a conversation like "oh baby oh baby oh...shoot..lost the signal again" and T would have a fit if I did lol. The part time job people were supposed to call me today but they didn't. Looks like I blew it. This place is so annoyingly remote, it might as well be the Sahara. Though I could probably tend goats in the Sahara or search for buried treasure. You would think there should be something online I could do. I tried doing the surveys for money option and it took me about a month to earn 10 dollars. I will keep thinking, oh hey maybe a sleep research team can come find me and figure out why I am sleeping so much. I could be a guinea pig. I am so damn wimpy, why can't I walk farther?
Can someone tell my mom to be quiet up there? It's like a herd of elephants stomping around and M is trying to take a nap.
My sister and M2 left early on Sunday but not before they left me a box of Mayan drinking chocolate. Yum Yum Yummy! It's a good thing because we ran out of coffee so now at least I can still drink something. After they left I had a minor scuffle with mom over small things including whether I made sure my friends would be coming to the back door and not the front.
The girls showed up and instead of two of them there was three! hooray! Three friends, K, M3, and S13 will be their Military like code names. They came bearing a super big real birthday cake with balloons on it for M. The perfect cake! They also brought gifts, snacks and drinks. It was like the party mobile stopped by. We had a blast making fun of my mom. You can't imagine how nice it was to be able to vent with people who agree with me and know we have to get out too. They said they have been trying to reach me by phone for some time now. My parents live so stupidly far from everyone, I probably won't get to see the girls again for awhile. Takes K 1 hour to get here, M3 2 hours and S13 3 hours. argh the knock knock door brb. I am being forced to go outside for my daily constitutional.
Allright, I am back, it's quite a few hours later and I did have another coma moment for a couple hours, what the heck is going on with me? Sleep is a symptom of depression, is that what this is? or is it more sinister? Why are all 3 of us sleeping so much? With the basement all closed in for the winter and the heat on, should I worry? (more than I already do)
My mom came back from the hospital and handed me a plastic toy whistle and said that this was a replacement for the flute she got for her birthday. What I didn't mention in my Friday blog was that my sister got M a beautiful wooden flute and M went nuts! She loves music so much. Music and Dance are such an integral part of who she is. I think that is why she feel in love with Hawaii so badly. There is so much of dance and music available everywhere you go. M played the flute for a long time and of course, she doesn't know how and it was more pure noise than anything else but I didn't care. She was happy and enjoying herself. Someday she will learn to play it right but that isn't important right now. It's her feeling and expression. The grinch who stole birthdays and happiness took it away from her and locked it up. She said it's too noisy and she can't have it again until the spring and then she will be able to play it only outdoors. M cried and said her "music was gone" My mom is out to take away childhood happiness from yet another kid. She is like an evil witch in a book.
M3 had suggested trying phone sex for a job. I actually mulled it over as a possible option except for the fact that we would have to get a cell phone and there is no reception in the basement and it would be a conversation like "oh baby oh baby oh...shoot..lost the signal again" and T would have a fit if I did lol. The part time job people were supposed to call me today but they didn't. Looks like I blew it. This place is so annoyingly remote, it might as well be the Sahara. Though I could probably tend goats in the Sahara or search for buried treasure. You would think there should be something online I could do. I tried doing the surveys for money option and it took me about a month to earn 10 dollars. I will keep thinking, oh hey maybe a sleep research team can come find me and figure out why I am sleeping so much. I could be a guinea pig. I am so damn wimpy, why can't I walk farther?
Can someone tell my mom to be quiet up there? It's like a herd of elephants stomping around and M is trying to take a nap.
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