Taking a break from cleaning for M's birthday weekend and watching my favorite "How clean is your house" when I get a phone call. Today is one of the days I am allowed to answer the phone because mom is afraid she will miss a call from one of Grandma's many doctors. So the phone call is the director of the organization my mom has been volunteering for and basically they told me they are letting her go citing too many family issues. They were nice about it but still they told me to tell her "don't call us, we will call you" gosh, I can't wait to give her that message. I better wear a football helmet and padding. Let you know how that turns out. Put on your helmets!
Today's arguement between me and T. Is Boston well known to foreigners? He says it isn't but I just proved to him after I found a poll that the top places in the US are New York, "Florida" Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Boston. He is so hard headed. Now we fight about trivial stuff.
It's about 6:30 now and mom has been going up and down our stairs puttering around. I told her about the job and she was upset, but not loud or angry in the way I expected. She said that she thought they may have made the decision based on the fact she hasn't shown up in over 3 weeks. I would agree that would be a reason. She is now subdued and only mildly insulting rather than her usual. In fact, she only accused me of letting mice in the house and not making M wear a sweater so for her, that's quiet.
T and I made up for our dopey argument about the US list of well known places and the three of us played "How clean is your house?" using cleaning tips from the show we all worked hard to make the place gleaming. I can tell you the best part of that show, we can't afford cleaning products but they have lots of inexpensive cleaning tips like using salt (.99 cents yo!) as a mildly abrasive cleaner with hot water and dish soap. It worked like a charm!!! Plus it has the extra advantage of not being toxic for the environment.
A link to uses for Salt as a cleaning agent
http://www.greenfootsteps.com/cleaning-with-salt.html
Here is a part of an episode for anyone who doesn't know this show. T has a HUGE crush on Kim, btw. It's hilarious.
Warning: Graphic Dirt!!
Friday, November 21, 2008
M's video of the week
M is pretty smart, too smart. She taught herself to view videos on my computer and she even plugs in the headphones to listen. She has found this video to be on her replay list because she says it is very funny. She likes MC Mong's videos for the humor and dancing. She loves dancing.
For nearly 3 years old she is pretty hip.
I like at the end when he tells the girl "Listen closely and remember this, Until I die, I will only choose you" aww how romantic.
Born on September 4, 1979, MC Mong is a South Korean hip hop artist who is known for his comic disposition and his upbeat songs. He first debuted as a member of People Crew, which debuted in 1998. Because he was overshadowed by other members in his group, he was not noticed until 2003, when he acted in MBC's Non-Stop 4. His albums are known mostly for their comedic styles (aided by humorous music videos), although his most recent album has taken on a slightly more serious tone. His nickname is "monkey" due to his resemblance to the animal; most Korean variety shows reference this.
--Wikipedia
For nearly 3 years old she is pretty hip.
I like at the end when he tells the girl "Listen closely and remember this, Until I die, I will only choose you" aww how romantic.
Born on September 4, 1979, MC Mong is a South Korean hip hop artist who is known for his comic disposition and his upbeat songs. He first debuted as a member of People Crew, which debuted in 1998. Because he was overshadowed by other members in his group, he was not noticed until 2003, when he acted in MBC's Non-Stop 4. His albums are known mostly for their comedic styles (aided by humorous music videos), although his most recent album has taken on a slightly more serious tone. His nickname is "monkey" due to his resemblance to the animal; most Korean variety shows reference this.
--Wikipedia
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Mind Fog
Should not have stayed up so late last night. I am literally a zombie. The "knock knock door" was back today in the form of a "Talk" but thankfully M followed me upstairs and mom was afraid to "Talk" in front of her. She ended up writing me a note asking me if I thought M would be upset seeing Grandma in the hospital with a tube up her nose. I don't know, what do you think? She also informed me that she would be taking us to the library before she went back to the hospital. Being half asleep I don't think I understood much about what was going on there conversation wise. She told us to go have breakfast and then she would take me to the library.
After breakfast, -granola bar for M- I got M dressed and tried to make some coffee in the broken coffeemaker they gave us and sure enough today was one of the days it wouldn't work. It's pretty hit or miss with that machine. It's always when I feel I need coffee the most though. To cap off the morning fun the toilet backed up. We have a very small closet bathroom with a shower and toilet and the toilet doesn't always drain properly so you can have a problem there at times. Especially when the basement floods it gets pretty messy, once it overflowed completely into the shower. The back up happens every couple of weeks but today it was in concert with the coffee maker.
Drove to the library with minimal conversation as it's impossible to do small talk with my mom. You never know when the flip out will happen so I am usually quiet. She dropped us off at the front door and then went to do some mysterious errand. M and I went to the children's library and met a very nice woman and her 3 year old and M had fun playing with her until she had to go. I started to browse in the Young Adult section as I was drawn in by the "Twilight" posters (ya ya I read em, you know you did too) I also noticed a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" and thought about rereading it. Like a ninja, mom came up behind me and told me that was the wrong section for M "I know" I replied "I was looking for books for me" she gave me a look of scorn and retorted "Those books are too young for you, get out of there" She picked up some books that M wasn't interested in and told us we had to leave so mom could go back to the hospital. I asked her if she could check out a book for me (adult section book btw) since I have nothing left to read and no library card in the US, she looked at me and picked up her books and walked out. Only that woman can make a short trip to the library be a glimpse of hell. On the way back I made a fatal mistake and tried small talk. "It's really cold out today" I said. She questioned me "Don't you go outside every morning?" warning warning warning my mind alerted me red alert red alert "not today" I replied abandon ship repeat abandon ship "You need to go outside every day, the way you treat M is nothing short of abusive, you never take her outside you need to go outdoors..." and it went on and on and on and on........
She dropped us off at the house and said she was late for the hospital. To really dig a hole for myself I asked her if they made her punch in at the hospital. I got a glare to smite me dead for that one. My mouth is a menace.
With them out of the house we had another full run of the upstairs, so we ate all their tortilla chips - I will pay for that someday- and most of the time my grandmother's personal phone line was ringing. We don't have our own phone line and we are not allowed to answer the phone unless we get permission first. My grandmother who had a stroke and can barely talk has her own phone line. This is how it is. My entire family is on a family cell phone plan for years now, my brother and sister both have their own phone paid for by my parents. I was never invited to have a cell phone with them even when I was in the US. I get a little jealous when they are all discussing their cell phones and what plans they want to go with for next year. My mom doesn't let anyone call her cell phone because she wants to keep the line open for my brother and sister to call her. Indeed, they are the only ones who do.
Later that evening, "The knock knock door" was activated and mom came down with a gallon of fat free milk, we have told her time and again we hate fat free milk. She says I need to take responsibility for my weight or she will do it for me. She got M some juice. I have never given juice to M because I feel it's empty calories but my mom gives it to her non stop even though I constantly ask her not to. One of the reasons M has put on so much weight here. She gave us a box of salt free plain microwave popcorn, yogurt and a loaf of french bread. This is supposed to keep a family of three fed until next week. Then she told me she was going to get a cake for M for her birthday. She knows this was something I was looking forward to doing. I have been so excited to pick out a cake I know M will love and get excited over. Now my mom is taking that away too. She says now that she brought us all these groceries we don't need a ride to the store so stop asking. Only one of my friends will come to M's birthday on Sunday. This is how it is.
After breakfast, -granola bar for M- I got M dressed and tried to make some coffee in the broken coffeemaker they gave us and sure enough today was one of the days it wouldn't work. It's pretty hit or miss with that machine. It's always when I feel I need coffee the most though. To cap off the morning fun the toilet backed up. We have a very small closet bathroom with a shower and toilet and the toilet doesn't always drain properly so you can have a problem there at times. Especially when the basement floods it gets pretty messy, once it overflowed completely into the shower. The back up happens every couple of weeks but today it was in concert with the coffee maker.
Drove to the library with minimal conversation as it's impossible to do small talk with my mom. You never know when the flip out will happen so I am usually quiet. She dropped us off at the front door and then went to do some mysterious errand. M and I went to the children's library and met a very nice woman and her 3 year old and M had fun playing with her until she had to go. I started to browse in the Young Adult section as I was drawn in by the "Twilight" posters (ya ya I read em, you know you did too) I also noticed a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" and thought about rereading it. Like a ninja, mom came up behind me and told me that was the wrong section for M "I know" I replied "I was looking for books for me" she gave me a look of scorn and retorted "Those books are too young for you, get out of there" She picked up some books that M wasn't interested in and told us we had to leave so mom could go back to the hospital. I asked her if she could check out a book for me (adult section book btw) since I have nothing left to read and no library card in the US, she looked at me and picked up her books and walked out. Only that woman can make a short trip to the library be a glimpse of hell. On the way back I made a fatal mistake and tried small talk. "It's really cold out today" I said. She questioned me "Don't you go outside every morning?" warning warning warning my mind alerted me red alert red alert "not today" I replied abandon ship repeat abandon ship "You need to go outside every day, the way you treat M is nothing short of abusive, you never take her outside you need to go outdoors..." and it went on and on and on and on........
She dropped us off at the house and said she was late for the hospital. To really dig a hole for myself I asked her if they made her punch in at the hospital. I got a glare to smite me dead for that one. My mouth is a menace.
With them out of the house we had another full run of the upstairs, so we ate all their tortilla chips - I will pay for that someday- and most of the time my grandmother's personal phone line was ringing. We don't have our own phone line and we are not allowed to answer the phone unless we get permission first. My grandmother who had a stroke and can barely talk has her own phone line. This is how it is. My entire family is on a family cell phone plan for years now, my brother and sister both have their own phone paid for by my parents. I was never invited to have a cell phone with them even when I was in the US. I get a little jealous when they are all discussing their cell phones and what plans they want to go with for next year. My mom doesn't let anyone call her cell phone because she wants to keep the line open for my brother and sister to call her. Indeed, they are the only ones who do.
Later that evening, "The knock knock door" was activated and mom came down with a gallon of fat free milk, we have told her time and again we hate fat free milk. She says I need to take responsibility for my weight or she will do it for me. She got M some juice. I have never given juice to M because I feel it's empty calories but my mom gives it to her non stop even though I constantly ask her not to. One of the reasons M has put on so much weight here. She gave us a box of salt free plain microwave popcorn, yogurt and a loaf of french bread. This is supposed to keep a family of three fed until next week. Then she told me she was going to get a cake for M for her birthday. She knows this was something I was looking forward to doing. I have been so excited to pick out a cake I know M will love and get excited over. Now my mom is taking that away too. She says now that she brought us all these groceries we don't need a ride to the store so stop asking. Only one of my friends will come to M's birthday on Sunday. This is how it is.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Chef Boyardee
Morning was relatively quiet, surprise surprise. We all ended up sleeping really late. Mom apparently went to the hospital again to spend another 10 hours with grandma. Don't get me wrong, I care about my grandma but she is the center of my mom's universe when M should be in that pantheon somewhere. We had a good time with the run of the whole house. We are like children let out to play. They don't have anything good to eat up there though. Everything is Fat Free, Salt Free, Sugar Free and Taste Free. T was pointing out the high amounts of sodium there is in so much of the fat free products. All the things she gives M to snack on have some kind of artificial sweetner which I don't want her to eat.
When mom finally came home she called to me from the top of the stairs. Boy, it was time for a "Talk" again. Whoa, its 33o am, I better get some shut eye before she wakes me up at 7 am again.
to be continued.....
I better finish this one before my memory deletes it. Let's skip to the part when mom comes home again after our happy day of treating her home as our own. We watched a couple episodes of one of our new favorites shows "How Clean Is Your House?" on their tv which is a real size tv. We have a little 13 inch tv in the basement and it's oddly pleasing to watch tv on a large television again.
So she comes home and demands I go upstairs for a "Talk" this was a doozy. One of the worst ones since I have been here. She demanded to know why I asked about the empty house they have for rent and I am damn lucky to be living here and I don't appreciate how lucky I am. She accused T of being a liar and not really working on his immigration status and doesn't love me and M at all. She said I am an abusive mother and I should have my child taken away from me. She says I can't have a civilized conversation without crying or getting upset. Perhaps because her civilized conversations are always threatening, demeaning and angry. It was pretty awful. My dad sat in the other room watching television with no comment. I ran downstairs hysterical because she knows just where to hurt me, where my insecurities lie. She knows because she put them there. I lay on the bed sobbing and little M came to me and hugged me and said "Don't cry mommy, I am here..I am right here" She is such a strong, beautiful person, she deserves so much better than the life I give her. I have never desired alot of money, or a huge house, or many things, I simply want my daughter to be happy, safe and well loved. For a time in New Zealand, I discovered that dream life. My tiny family is everything to me. I would die for them. I asked T if he could still get his green card if I was gone and then he got upset with me and ended up going on and on about my mom for an hour. When we had the problem in NZ it was bad for a different reason. It was real and tangible and not personal. What my mother does to me is insidious and evil. I can't even fight it. I would rather someone punch me in my face than play mind games with me. I can fight back, but I can't fight that.
In a bizarre change of face which makes me wonder if she is a split personality, mom brought us down a Chef Boyardee pizza. T and I both commented that it tasted like medicine and the baby wouldn't eat it. I said to T "If this was a horror movie, my mom poisoned the pizza" He laughed and agreed but we were both a little unsettled lol. Mom didn't speak to us again that evening even when I returned the pizza plate to upstairs. When M went to bed she kept waking up screaming from nightmares so I didn't sleep for a long time. I watched a Korean movie called "Ryeong" online. For some reason scary movies cheer me up. I guess watching someone fight ghosts is how I need to fight my mom. We call my mom "Onibaba" which means "Demon woman" in Japanese.
When mom finally came home she called to me from the top of the stairs. Boy, it was time for a "Talk" again. Whoa, its 33o am, I better get some shut eye before she wakes me up at 7 am again.
to be continued.....
I better finish this one before my memory deletes it. Let's skip to the part when mom comes home again after our happy day of treating her home as our own. We watched a couple episodes of one of our new favorites shows "How Clean Is Your House?" on their tv which is a real size tv. We have a little 13 inch tv in the basement and it's oddly pleasing to watch tv on a large television again.
So she comes home and demands I go upstairs for a "Talk" this was a doozy. One of the worst ones since I have been here. She demanded to know why I asked about the empty house they have for rent and I am damn lucky to be living here and I don't appreciate how lucky I am. She accused T of being a liar and not really working on his immigration status and doesn't love me and M at all. She said I am an abusive mother and I should have my child taken away from me. She says I can't have a civilized conversation without crying or getting upset. Perhaps because her civilized conversations are always threatening, demeaning and angry. It was pretty awful. My dad sat in the other room watching television with no comment. I ran downstairs hysterical because she knows just where to hurt me, where my insecurities lie. She knows because she put them there. I lay on the bed sobbing and little M came to me and hugged me and said "Don't cry mommy, I am here..I am right here" She is such a strong, beautiful person, she deserves so much better than the life I give her. I have never desired alot of money, or a huge house, or many things, I simply want my daughter to be happy, safe and well loved. For a time in New Zealand, I discovered that dream life. My tiny family is everything to me. I would die for them. I asked T if he could still get his green card if I was gone and then he got upset with me and ended up going on and on about my mom for an hour. When we had the problem in NZ it was bad for a different reason. It was real and tangible and not personal. What my mother does to me is insidious and evil. I can't even fight it. I would rather someone punch me in my face than play mind games with me. I can fight back, but I can't fight that.
In a bizarre change of face which makes me wonder if she is a split personality, mom brought us down a Chef Boyardee pizza. T and I both commented that it tasted like medicine and the baby wouldn't eat it. I said to T "If this was a horror movie, my mom poisoned the pizza" He laughed and agreed but we were both a little unsettled lol. Mom didn't speak to us again that evening even when I returned the pizza plate to upstairs. When M went to bed she kept waking up screaming from nightmares so I didn't sleep for a long time. I watched a Korean movie called "Ryeong" online. For some reason scary movies cheer me up. I guess watching someone fight ghosts is how I need to fight my mom. We call my mom "Onibaba" which means "Demon woman" in Japanese.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Never a normal conversation 'round here
No "knock knock" door this morning. Only the sounds of furniture moving and banging over our heads. The mom came down about 11 am and M followed her upstairs so I had to go up and get her. I asked mom if it was ok if a few of my friends came over to celebrate M's birthday (last time I asked about an occasion she flipped out and said my friends would bother grandma) but today she said she didn't mind but had to throw in the comment "since it's YOUR space even though you don't PAY to live there". There is no one who is better at making nasty comments, I tell you. She offered to make M a cake but I hesitated for two reasons, 1. her cakes aren't very good and 2. M really likes store bought cake because she rarely gets to have one. As I hesitated my mom remarked "You really need to start watching what you spend since you spend so much money on pizza" that made me fly into a black rage. She is the reason I have to spend money on pizza. She never takes us to the store regularly so I have to get us food somehow. She spends 10 hours a day in the hospital with my grandmother but she can't spare a half hour to take us to the store. We have only bought pizza 4 times since we have been here. Because they don't help us we won't even be able to buy groceries soon so she has no reason to make any comment.
I need Anger Management classes, I really do. I feel so angry all the time. Maybe walking or doing some exercise will help. As for M's party, I hope some people will come. My friends don't come over much at all. They are all nervous around my mom and a long time ago I couldn't get anyone to come over at all. She used to be really cruel to one of my best friends and she is terrified to come over. When we were in high school she used to call her a whore, a prostitute, loser, hooker, etc...This is a girl who graduated from her school as the valedictorian. When i go back and read what I wrote I think to myself "good lord, what was I thinking coming back here?"
I need Anger Management classes, I really do. I feel so angry all the time. Maybe walking or doing some exercise will help. As for M's party, I hope some people will come. My friends don't come over much at all. They are all nervous around my mom and a long time ago I couldn't get anyone to come over at all. She used to be really cruel to one of my best friends and she is terrified to come over. When we were in high school she used to call her a whore, a prostitute, loser, hooker, etc...This is a girl who graduated from her school as the valedictorian. When i go back and read what I wrote I think to myself "good lord, what was I thinking coming back here?"
Monday, November 17, 2008
Unmotivational Tapes
I am tired. Woke up to the daily song of the "knock knock door". Mom woke us all up simply to say she was on her way to the hospital and today I was allowed to answer the phone. She wanted M to come visit Grandma in the hospital today but then mom called to say that she didn't want her to come after all. She instructed us by phone to make sure we went outside for awhile. Spent some time cleaning and spending our time outdoors as instructed. I don't know how she knows, but she can always tell if we have been outside or not.
One disappointment today was I had got M a "Thomas and Friends" dvd off ebay for .99 cents! for her birthday and it came in the mail today so I left it on the counter while I folded laundry because I thought she was having her nap. She woke up and found the dvd before I saw her so I had to give it to her today. She is happy with it though. It reminds her of her best friend in NZ. He loves Thomas. She always asks me when she will see him again. She told me just now that "O is coming, he is coming!" I never know what to tell her when she talks about him.
I haven't done much online the past few days except watch a couple movies. My brain hurts, lol.
One disappointment today was I had got M a "Thomas and Friends" dvd off ebay for .99 cents! for her birthday and it came in the mail today so I left it on the counter while I folded laundry because I thought she was having her nap. She woke up and found the dvd before I saw her so I had to give it to her today. She is happy with it though. It reminds her of her best friend in NZ. He loves Thomas. She always asks me when she will see him again. She told me just now that "O is coming, he is coming!" I never know what to tell her when she talks about him.
I haven't done much online the past few days except watch a couple movies. My brain hurts, lol.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The Final Straw
We found out today some shocking news. I am so angry right now I can't even wrap my head around it. We originally came here because my parents had promised we could live in one of their houses but when we got here they gave it to my brother instead. They installed us in the tiny basement with no light instead. The basement which regularly floods forcing us to stay in motels we can't afford, the basement that had an alarm for Carbon Monoxide going off in it regularly till my mom said it was just malfunctioning and took the battery out. A family of 3 cramped into two rooms.
Anyway, they have other houses which they rent out and one of them is a house I always loved. Its bright and clean and central to everything. Stores are in walking distance, the bus and train to the big city are right there convenient. There is a bustling downtown available. The house has a nice fenced in yard, a big garage. It has light sunny kitchen with 2 bedrooms. Perfect for kids. I have wanted to live in that house since my parents bought it for a song at the right time. It has this wonderful welcoming feeling that I love.
Turns out the house is empty right now. The person who was renting it has moved out. So it's just sitting there EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We live in two tiny rooms with no sunlight no way to get anywhere no hope and they have a perfectly good home. I asked my father today why we couldn't live in it and he said "oh sure if you can pay the heat bill" sarcastically. This is the same guy who bought a brand new car a few weeks ago then used their old one as a trade in for cheap instead of offering it to us. I know parents don't have to help you, it's not a right that we have help. I don't expect them to help me, I know better than that by now. Please can't they think of their grandchild? I am so done with them if I can get out of here. that's it, why do I need to care? I keep trying to convince myself that they are helping us because we do have heat and a roof over our heads but how does that help when we cant afford food and we cant get to the store even if we had money and if I cant get to work. Maybe it's me, maybe I am looking at this from the wrong angle.
We had to go to the hospital today to visit my grandmother who is in ICU. My mother spends 10 hours a day with her. She told me I had to go visit her today and wouldn't let me bring M. I touched the monitor asking what some number meant and managed to turn the whole screen off. Leave it to me. Anyway, this blog is very cathartic, it's nice to have a place to spew out all my turmoil. I wonder if I can sell my soul on Ebay for a car?
Anyway, they have other houses which they rent out and one of them is a house I always loved. Its bright and clean and central to everything. Stores are in walking distance, the bus and train to the big city are right there convenient. There is a bustling downtown available. The house has a nice fenced in yard, a big garage. It has light sunny kitchen with 2 bedrooms. Perfect for kids. I have wanted to live in that house since my parents bought it for a song at the right time. It has this wonderful welcoming feeling that I love.
Turns out the house is empty right now. The person who was renting it has moved out. So it's just sitting there EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We live in two tiny rooms with no sunlight no way to get anywhere no hope and they have a perfectly good home. I asked my father today why we couldn't live in it and he said "oh sure if you can pay the heat bill" sarcastically. This is the same guy who bought a brand new car a few weeks ago then used their old one as a trade in for cheap instead of offering it to us. I know parents don't have to help you, it's not a right that we have help. I don't expect them to help me, I know better than that by now. Please can't they think of their grandchild? I am so done with them if I can get out of here. that's it, why do I need to care? I keep trying to convince myself that they are helping us because we do have heat and a roof over our heads but how does that help when we cant afford food and we cant get to the store even if we had money and if I cant get to work. Maybe it's me, maybe I am looking at this from the wrong angle.
We had to go to the hospital today to visit my grandmother who is in ICU. My mother spends 10 hours a day with her. She told me I had to go visit her today and wouldn't let me bring M. I touched the monitor asking what some number meant and managed to turn the whole screen off. Leave it to me. Anyway, this blog is very cathartic, it's nice to have a place to spew out all my turmoil. I wonder if I can sell my soul on Ebay for a car?
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