Finally posting sorry for being away

I think I am having some kind of brain disconnect. I don't feel overly angry or worried but I can't sleep and I can't concentrate. One of the reasons I haven't been blogging is the lack of focus. My thoughts are vague and fuzzy.

Past few weeks have been just weird. Most of you know about my inheritance problem with my mother. I am supposed to get some money from my grandfather's estate but she keeps giving it to me then pulling it away. It's not even a huge amount of money but for us it's a much needed help. It was during these money wars that I began to feel so I don't care about anything. T's immigration is going nowhere. If I worry about it I feel sick. He doesn't seem to care even though my mother is threatening to kick him out. She says me and M can stay but T will have to go if he doesn't show some kind of progress. With the money we borrowed from a dear friend we were able to buy an old used car. Oddly enough it was owned completely by Japanese so even though it is old, it's in pretty decent shape considering it's age. We do have some transmission work we need to do before it can be perfectly good to drive around in but all the other minor repairs that were needed T has already done. It's wonderful to have a car again. We are able to go to the grocery store when we need to, not wait for my mother to throw macaroni down the stairs. I have been taking M to the library story time once a week so she can see other kids. She has been very sad lately and I haven't able to snap her out of it. She keeps crying and asking to go home and asking me why it's always so dark here. I can't tell her that I feel the same. That everyday I miss my gorgeous house with the view of the mountains. How I miss my friends there. How I miss walking in the mornings in the mist filled valley.........

If I can simply get T to be legal everything will be ok I know it. However, if he doesn't get something done soon I can't continue to let M be without health insurance.

I spent the past few days cleaning the kitchen and trying to clean out the places that mice have lived in or are living with bleach. Can't tell if there are any left or not. To make my life really pleasant the basement ceiling started leaking water. I had to put a bucket on the floor to catch the water coming down from the upstairs. My parents are seriously messed up, they recarpeted my grandmother's room, bought my brother a brand new snowblower, gave my sister money for running into her car, but when I ask them why they don't get the wall fixed where the water is coming in or why they don't hire a cleaning company for their rental property I love they say they have no money and they can't afford it. They told me they won't sponsor T financially because they are simply so poor.

At least we have the car now and we can get away when we need to. When we get the transmission fixed all will be much better.

How to work out without realizing it

Pull your kid around on a sled until you can't move anymore. That's more of a work out than I have had in awhile. We found an old (obviously, remember where I live) rusty sled in the shed out back and found that even after all this time M could still ride it while I pulled her up and down the snowy hill.

I realized how different I feel when I am outdoors or when we stayed at the hotel. When i woke up in the morning at the hotel I could jump right out of bed and without even having coffee still feel all right. Here in the basement I can't even get going without the benefit of almost a full pot of coffee. Makes me wonder seriously if there is something going on with the air in here. I wake up sleepy and groggy and continue to feel the same throughout the day but if I go outside I feel fine again. I had a dream last night that we moved out and lived in a nice apartment somewhere, as is usual with a dream it was sort of a combination of here and Japan but it was a nice place lol.

I have been invited to the movies next weekend. T says he doesn't mind watching M. The last time I went to the movies was to see "The Chronicles of Narnia" with L. That movie came out in 2005 so that means I haven't been to the movies in 3 years!!!

The mom made snarky comments about how late we all sleep so I did a snaparoo and yelled "how the hell do you expect any of us to wake up when I live in lightless basement. It's the same light when I go to bed as when I wake up. Even though you have a perfectly good REAL house sitting there empty" She didn't reply and I stormed off back into my rat hole. Honestly, do they really think this is a good environment for a 3 year old? living in a dark hole in the ground. It brings me to tears knowing they have a beautiful sunny perfect house with a fenced in yard sitting there empty...let me swear here &&'#&)('')')')')(')')'###"#$$R
Once again repeat "it's free, it's heated" rinse repeat

She asked me to go check on our neighbor's boyfriend who has some disease tomorrow at 1 pm. She told the neighbor that she would be able to do it but she is busy so she pawned it off on me. What do I do? Knock on the door and say "Hey are you alive?" I don't mind helping people out but if my mother made a commitment she should keep it or should have known in advance she couldn't. she has a doctor's appointment, wouldn't she have known that? This is the neighbor she holds up to me all the time as someone to emulate, aspire to. I am in such an angry bitter mood this week I haven't done much emailing or talking to people because I realize when my anger turns into a dark stain it is likely to spread towards other people without me even being aware of it. I hate that they make me feel like this.

Now that they gave us this ultimatum, I am waiting for them to throw us out. I am frustrated by T's lack of initiative in this. He hasn't bothered to call his sponsors and see how they are doing on the paperwork. See what I mean about my extreme anger? It's going everywhere. zip zap target sighted pow. If we get thrown out we have no where to go and this doesn't seem to be worrying him. All he says is sentences that start with "Just say to them..." why do I have to fight my parents all the time? I could use some support here. An evil part of me thinks that if he did get deported I could get health insurance for M and state assistance but that's not really the answer it's my frustration channeling the wrong way. I think alot of bad things when I am stressed out. He doesn't realize that they would throw us out, or my mouth would get us thrown out because it's got a mind of it's own sometimes.

I am back to looking for a job now that we borrowed some money we got a used car..really used! 94 Rodeo with 175,000 miles on it but it goes from point A to point B with little work that needs to be done but I thought we should we should save the money in case we get thrown out or have to move back to Japan. The only reason I would be nervous of Japan is if he decided to divorce me for any sort of reason he would automatically get custody of M. They rarely give the child to the mother. Not that it would happen but it bears considering. The worst part of this past year is I simply don't know what to do. How do I know what choices to make? How will I pay back all this money I have borrowed? If I didn't have a child this would have been so much easier. My first duty is always to make sure she is ok so I have to do what I think is best for her. How do I know what I choose is the right way? Can you feel some of what the whirlpool in my mind is like right now? It's hard to think straight. I better stop now and read or something before my head explodes.

The Other Shoe Dropped

As I was afraid it would. Waiting out my parents silence wondering when the other shoe would drop.

Started out stressful as I didn't sleep all night for insomnia reasons, then my mom started in on me about T. Apparently out of nowhere she can talk to me again. She asked me if there was something "wrong" with him and other assorted remarks.

Then came the dreaded "We need to talk" She asked me to come upstairs and sit down at the kitchen table. She then said that my parents need to know what is going on with T and what his plans are because if something doesn't change soon they will not "support" us anymore. Meaning they want a progress report every week on what we are doing. If not, she warned, you need start looking at other options. They are tired of him being illegal and me and M not having insurance she said. His illegal status reflects on them and if he gets in any kind of trouble they don't want to be in trouble too. In a Benedict Arnold sort of way, I wish T would do more to get us out of here too. I don't know what I want him to do specifically. It's probably the mom voice serpent in my head.

I am tired, Off to bed..perchance to dream

Mouse Wars Ended Badly

Have been rather depressed about it all day. T remembered he had reset the have a heart trap in the Utility room but had forgotten to check on it the past few days. Sure enough, little one was in there dead as a doornail. I should have took him out and released him when I originally caught him. I feel like such a jerk. Poor thing. It would have been kinder to let him take his chances with the elements. I was down all day long.

I have so many things I need to do but I didn't get anything done today. M and I pretended to go on a rocketship to space. that was the most excitement I had all day. She keeps asking me when we are moving back to the Hotel. lol. Parents haven't spoken to us in two days so can't even report arguments with them or any kind of contact. Having terribly bizarre dreams since we have been back. For instance, I dreamed M was blind last night. The air in here is definitely getting to me.

Dingo's Ate My Baby

How did it end up that T and I would spend most of the day discussing the "Azeria Chamberlain" Case?
http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/FTrials/chamberlain/chamberlainhome.html


So gruesome and depressing. It started because I argued with some people on a forum that using the phrase "A Dingo Ate My Baby" is NOT funny. Why people would think it's funny if you know the story behind the saying I have no idea. I spent some time researching every article and report I could find. Seems to be that Lindy Chamberlain had nothing to do with it but her husband comes off as sort of a whack job.

Our biggest question is "why would you go camping with a 9 week old baby in the first place"?

Today was pretty boring, guess that's why we ended up in such a strange, long debate while M took a nap. The rents are pretty much ignoring us. We have been relegated to personas non grata. My mother hasn't spoken to us since Saturday night. She put mail on the stairs a moment ago and I tried to talk but she simply closed the door again. Seems like my father has retired, he is here all the time. It's rather creepy. This house is creepy. I started my diet today, so far so good. I made it a whole few hours lol. I am tired though but that on par for basement dwelling.

Reasons living here is becoming unbearable

no oven, mice, two rooms, mold, no space, no light, unfriendly people upstairs, no phone calls, no freedoms, sewage smell,

Could be worse, my baby is safe and sound and that is the most important. I would live here for a million years rather than go through was Mrs. Chamberlain did. Yeah, I know..weird topic but it's a weird life over here.

Happy New Year

We had an amazing New Year, all compliments of some friends of ours who sent us a dream getaway for a couple days. Not only did this trip revive our flagging spirits it also made me realize that the basement IS the reason why I feel so bad and groggy. The time we were gone I woke up at a normal time, I had energy and I felt fine. One day back and already I can't wake up and I feel terrible. When we arrived at grandma's house (I never refer to it as "home") yesterday we found that my mom had been down here quite a bit and that the whole place now reeks of sewage. She said she didn't know why it smelled so bad. The mouse problem is worse, they are even in our suitcases stored in the utility room. Once here, my parents didn't even acknowledge that we were back. They didn't speak to us at all until today and actually my father has yet to speak to me. My mom, however, was back on her complainey trip. She called us on our last day at the hotel and told us we needed to tell her what time we were coming back so she could leave the basement door open. No, we do not have a key to this house. We are at the mercy of the people upstairs. If they want to lock us out, they can at will. She left the basement door open which is kind considering that made me have to slog through the snow from the shoveled front yard to the unshoveled back yard. They have a snow blower but we aren't allowed to touch it.

We noted on our trip that the house my parents own that we begged them to live in is now bearing a "For Rent By Owner" sign. Nice of them to offer it to us after I spent so much time trying to convince them to let us live there. They had lied and told me that the tenant hadn't left yet. Oh, looks like he left.

My mom yelled at me today that I spend all my time on my computer instead of watching my child. She says the computer is more important than my own daughter. I could say that everything is more important to my mom than her own daughter. She left us mouse poison to kill the mouse. I am torn on this.

Being away from here was a dream, I needed that to help keep my sanity intact. It was such a treat to see M laughing and having fun. She has such a love for people and sunshine, it kills me to have her stuck in this smelly, unhealthy basement. We had such a beautiful time together that at one point on the trip, T actually said that maybe if we got financially sound again he would want another child. Utterly impossible but it was nice to hear him say that. We have been at odds so much lately I was afraid the romance was gone.

For resolutions this year I am really going to try to lose weight and get in some kind of shape other than "round"

I am going to spend more time teaching and playing with M rather than yelling at her

Love T as much as possible and not blame everything on him.

Get us out of this pit of hell.

Keep my spirits up. We can do it. or as Obama says "Yes We Can"

2009 started off the right way. 2009 is our year!

*edit* I forgot to mention we are starting off the New Year with no oven as it broke and the rents don't want to fix it. Microwave popcorn for everybody!

Back to the Pre Christmas Norm

Trying to get ready to go on our 3 day escape from our house. I mistakenly asked if I could use their printer so I could print out the directions to where we are going. I was lulled by the fake Christmas cheer they had been showing us. Dazzled by a one line email from my mother which read "Love you, mom" though it may have been for M, I made an assumption that they were nicer and more jolly.

I would be the first antelope killed in the pack, this is why I am not a wild animal. Upon my asking if I could use their printer I was assailed by accusations. "NO, you can't use our printer, we are sick of you prowling around upstairs" that was the exact wording my father used when I asked. "You don't have any right to be up here" they continued. "Why did you buy M shoes? Why does she need shoes?" You should be paying us rent instead of buying shoes." went on and on and on. stressing me so much I ended up yelling at M. That's the way it goes. They yell at me. I, in turn, yell at my family, M cries and T yells back. This is how my family will be destroyed if I can't get the hell away from these f#cking pieces of sh&t that call themselves my parents.

My New Year's Resolution "get away from them no matter what I have to do before we are destroyed" and "Never come back"

also lose weight, stop dressing like I am blind, live for the now instead of in the past or in the future, and love my little girl like there is no tomorrow.