Hate, can you feel it?

I wonder if my mother can feel how much I hate her?

Had a horrible day with my "family" aka group of people I wish would vanish. Now that I have a job hopefully someday I can get the hell out of this basement. I found a goal, there is a condo for rent right near my work so if my crappy car broke down I could walk there and then I could save up money and pay for a real lawyer to help T stay in the country instead of the free lawyer who was nice but probably can't do much for free. If I can get away from my parents I think I would be able to feel so much better about myself. I like my job which is great and eventually I can start paying everybody back that makes me feel good to know there is a light someday. If I can get him legal we will be all right financially. even if he has to leave the country I will stay here and work and take care of M.

My parents other house that I love they said I could rent if I had a job, this is after they said I could live there if I came up with the money for oil. well, friends offered to loan me the oil money they said no, I got a job, now they said no. I give up. When I leave here. I am never ever coming back unless I am dead and my dead body is brought back for some reason out of my control.

Have E and the guys coming by tomorrow that is neat. It's lovely to have friends again. I can see the good life coming just over there...no no over there...see it?

I met a nice guy the other day too. I should write to him.

Look how nice and quiet this little place looks


I will keep that there to remind me to look in the future. first step out of the dungeon, then legal, then loan repayments, then the world is mine muwhaahahahahahahaaaaa

Sad

Today I was feeling more positive. Woke up with the wish to feel better and exercise and try and take control. I got out and walked, I applied for a ton of jobs, good ones shitty ones, ones I probably can't even do.

Anyway, the rain came back. It always does.

Like a sleigh ride to hell

that's my life. friendless, jobless, penniless, loveless, wish I was lifeless at times.

Finally made it to the immigration lawyer. Nothing but bad news. My mom has been an extraordinary bitch lately. She says I don't know what reality is and T is a failure as a husband and father. I wish he would hold me sometimes and give me comfort but he doesn't. He just plays online games and ignores our lives spiraling into ruin. I have applied for so many jobs and not one has called me back. I don't know what I am doing wrong. Even that part time job I had for two days is advertising again. He was yelling at me to report them to the labor board for not contacting me back after my mom made me go there but how will that help? Our stupid old car has turned into a money pit and bad luck attractor. It already has been hit and run in a store parking lot, we got a flat tire from running over a nail on the way to the immigration office. The CV joint is broken, the speedometer doesn't work, the muffler if broken, I don't know what else.

M has been sick and I finally had to take her to the doctor. Turned out she has a bladder infection and was bleeding. I have to take her again for a follow up visit to see if the medication is working. I am 90 percent sure something is wrong with me health wise. I have had pain in my left side for months now and sores are forming in my hair. All my friends are involved in their own lives and their own drama so we don't talk anymore. Partially it's my fault because I almost can't handle a normal conversation anymore.

If he has to go back to Japan, then what will we do? Why doesn't he want to talk about this? This is why I never wanted a kid, I knew I couldn't take care of one because I can't even take care of myself and my vision was true. I can't take care of her, or me, or him. I am not smart enough or pretty enough or personable. I can't even talk to my friends, I am sure they are sick of this song over and over.

Anyway, press play while you can.

Took a Job Test Today

What a long day. Yes, I haven't had the energy to write in the blog for awhile. I feel dismal. Even to dismal to write. This morning I had to leave the house by 12 pm because I had a test for a job scheduled and I couldn't be late. We were leaving on time but M went upstairs and started hanging out with my mom while I was putting my shoes on. Big Mistake. I know for sure why M doesn't listen to me anymore. She is learning from a pro. Medieval torturers don't got nothin' on my mom.

So I come upstairs to find my mother has M cleaning the toilet with a toilet brush. that's a great idea in so many way *rolls eyes* I tell M we have to go and my mother says she can do whatever she likes to do. M doesn't leave, I have to yell louder and my mom never says anything a responsible person would say like "you should listen to your mother" she keeps letting her mess around in the toilet. why should a 3 year old be cleaning a toilet in the first place?

I went and took the test, got a good score and I was very proud of myself. they only hire passing a background check via the FBI so I will probably have hello kittycopters over my house with undercover forces jumping down from long ropes. They will find out all my "associates" why does a background check make me feel guilty? Must be all that drinking I did in the 90s, who knows what I did back then. ha ha.

So background check complaining aside, we got home to find both my parents sitting in the living room. Neither one said hello to me. M started talking to my mom and after about 10 minutes my mom finally asked me how I did on the test. I said I did really well and got a high score and my father said "oh you got a 12" so funny, they never say anything positive to me. My mother didn't comment at all except she thought it was a waste of time. She knew they were hiring in the first place and never told me. This is how it is. I found some old photos of us growing up and a set of us at Easter. My sister is dressed up and has a beautiful easter basket as she skips happily looking for eggs. I am carrying a brown paper bag.......

Cracks Are Appearing

We fight alot now. We have this wall of anger between us, maybe that won't go away. He fights with me constantly about my parents. He says they don't help, but he doesn't understand, he won't listen to me. They say they are going Oh I can't even write. I will go cry for awhile.

I Want To Go Home

I miss my beautiful little house, my friends, M's friends, my hills and mountains, my grocery store with the sad lack of stuff I want to buy, my dairy, my cooking, my french bakery, my ocean, my hiking, my restaurants, my health care, my photography, my car, my view, my plans, my things I didn't do, my wine, my library, my sunshine, my landlord, my neighbors, my happiness, M's happiness, our life.

This isn't home anymore. I would go back if I could.

Darcey Freeman

The story of Darcey Freeman is breaking my heart. I can't get it out of my head and it keeps making me cry. I wish I hadn't read it.