Extraordinarily tired today. I got myself so worked up last night over the horrible birthday night it carried over into today and I still can't even talk about it. This morning my mom woke me up at 7 am and made me call the part time job I was supposed to be doing because she thought they wanted me to train today. This whole part time job is another can of worms I don't feel I can get into today. I told T last night bleakly that we are "never ever going to get out of here" That woman makes me fall back two steps for every one I take. She has all the cards in her hands, I can't fight her because she knows our weaknesses. She only has to make a few phone calls and I can lose my family. She knows that.
The morning wake up call was awful. The part time job person thought I was crazy to call. I told my mom that and she informed me that I am "crazy" Oh wait she is knocking on the door again so can't even finish my sentence. be back later!
Back, she was bringing down our weekly supply of skim milk and yogurt. Not like we would never need food or anything. I will survive on the dew of a single gingko leaf and the energy of the universe. On this plus side, I may lose weight.
Our dear friend, S called this morning and gave us sad news and super happy news. It was wonderful to have something nice happen for a change. After that is when I fell into a deep sleep for several hours. Luckily T, who has been feeling poorly the past few days, actually got up for a little while so was able to watch M for me.
I am still mortally tired. Maybe it was too much of an emotional roller coaster for me for today and yesterday. Th.......................zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Imagine this scene....
A 3 year old in a beautiful party dress sitting alone at a big empty table eating a small piece of birthday cake. A single tear drips onto the frosting.
This was my Friday Night.
This was my Friday Night.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving? Thanks for what?
The long story is we woke up early and went to see my sister who came to visit and M couldn't wait to see her. Went upstairs and had breakfast my sister made. I was beginning to think this wouldn't turn out so bad. My mom suddenly took M outside without asking me and with no winter coat on only a sleeveless dress and house slippers. It was 49 degrees outside today.
After breakfast, mom rushed my sister and M2 off to the hospital to see grandma ignoring M's cries to go with them. She was very upset and inconsolable for awhile as my sister is one of her favorite people here. My parents kept commenting on how much M eats and how noisy she is all during breakfast.
It sickens and saddens me how much my child wants attention from the people around her and they simply keep talking and don't acknowledge her like she isn't there. She kept saying "Come on everybody say "yo"!" and "Everybody clap your hands" but no one but me did. The look in her eyes breaks my heart. She wants so much to interact with people and have fun, she is such a people person, but they want her to be quiet and speak on request. My mom uses her like a show and tell object. In her play groups in New Zealand she was always popular and had so many friends. oh turn on the water works again. Can the damn drama llama stop coming to my house?
Later I put M down for a nap and started goofing around on the internet because I didn't have anywhere to go and we have to be quiet. I was surfing and ended up reading something about Japanese atrocities in WW2 and that it was never taught as history in school. I asked T about it and for some reason he flipped out at me. He went on this huge diatribe about how history is wrong and it ended up being about my mom. I kept asking him to stop, but he didn't. I don't know how long it would have lasted but our good friend S called and cheered us up quite a bit.
After that, my sister offered to take me and M for a little drive around town since M was down she didn't get to go anywhere. We stopped by the drug store and my sister bought me some needed personal hygiene supplies (ie conditioner etc...) Came back home and had Thanksgiving dinner. My mom announced that it was nice to have my sister and M2 there which made Thanksgiving very special. She said it wasn't the same as having us there as we were forced to be there so we didn't count.
Dinner was ok, some good stuff some bad. They are trying to get M to call my brother's gf "Aunt" again which really really angers me. M ate a ton once again causing my father to complain about how much she eats. I know I need to get our diet sorted out somehow but we have no choice presently as I can't even get her to the store to get her some food. All we eat is boxed, processed foods and delivery. Of course we are unhealthy, unhappy and generally ill kempt from lack of supplies. I am a make up freak and I had to give that up. Now I just look like a freak.
Later M was trying to get my parents to watch a video tape with her (you guessed it, they use VHS tapes still) and M got her finger hurt in the VCR. The minute I leave her alone with my mom she always gets hurt. I was alone in the kitchen for a second gathering up some of M's toys she brought upstairs with her when my mom came in and said "Your daughter is VERY badly behaved" and walked out. So I forced M to go downstairs. 20 minutes later my mom asked her to come back up to watch "Ratatouille" a movie that M doesn't really like. Of course she didn't sit still and she was noisy because she was bored. She is a 3 year old. They told her she should go to bed. Commenting on how much she eats again was my cue to exit once more.
Tomorrow should be really great when my brother and his gf come for dinner. Shoot me now!
After breakfast, mom rushed my sister and M2 off to the hospital to see grandma ignoring M's cries to go with them. She was very upset and inconsolable for awhile as my sister is one of her favorite people here. My parents kept commenting on how much M eats and how noisy she is all during breakfast.
It sickens and saddens me how much my child wants attention from the people around her and they simply keep talking and don't acknowledge her like she isn't there. She kept saying "Come on everybody say "yo"!" and "Everybody clap your hands" but no one but me did. The look in her eyes breaks my heart. She wants so much to interact with people and have fun, she is such a people person, but they want her to be quiet and speak on request. My mom uses her like a show and tell object. In her play groups in New Zealand she was always popular and had so many friends. oh turn on the water works again. Can the damn drama llama stop coming to my house?
Later I put M down for a nap and started goofing around on the internet because I didn't have anywhere to go and we have to be quiet. I was surfing and ended up reading something about Japanese atrocities in WW2 and that it was never taught as history in school. I asked T about it and for some reason he flipped out at me. He went on this huge diatribe about how history is wrong and it ended up being about my mom. I kept asking him to stop, but he didn't. I don't know how long it would have lasted but our good friend S called and cheered us up quite a bit.
After that, my sister offered to take me and M for a little drive around town since M was down she didn't get to go anywhere. We stopped by the drug store and my sister bought me some needed personal hygiene supplies (ie conditioner etc...) Came back home and had Thanksgiving dinner. My mom announced that it was nice to have my sister and M2 there which made Thanksgiving very special. She said it wasn't the same as having us there as we were forced to be there so we didn't count.
Dinner was ok, some good stuff some bad. They are trying to get M to call my brother's gf "Aunt" again which really really angers me. M ate a ton once again causing my father to complain about how much she eats. I know I need to get our diet sorted out somehow but we have no choice presently as I can't even get her to the store to get her some food. All we eat is boxed, processed foods and delivery. Of course we are unhealthy, unhappy and generally ill kempt from lack of supplies. I am a make up freak and I had to give that up. Now I just look like a freak.
Later M was trying to get my parents to watch a video tape with her (you guessed it, they use VHS tapes still) and M got her finger hurt in the VCR. The minute I leave her alone with my mom she always gets hurt. I was alone in the kitchen for a second gathering up some of M's toys she brought upstairs with her when my mom came in and said "Your daughter is VERY badly behaved" and walked out. So I forced M to go downstairs. 20 minutes later my mom asked her to come back up to watch "Ratatouille" a movie that M doesn't really like. Of course she didn't sit still and she was noisy because she was bored. She is a 3 year old. They told her she should go to bed. Commenting on how much she eats again was my cue to exit once more.
Tomorrow should be really great when my brother and his gf come for dinner. Shoot me now!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? NOT ME
I live in a basement under some crazy people. It's only noon time but I have already had a full day of madness. I have one "Mother" of a headache. Mom woke us up early to complain about various issues. She doesn't like that our clothes are folded on top of the dresser so she brought a storage bin to put them in. Our clothes are folded on top of the dresser because all the furniture that is down here is already filled with their stuff. She won't take me some where to get hangers so we don't have any hangers. She says people give away free hangers all the time so you don't need to buy them. I am unsure of where the free hanger people live but I am sure she wouldn't drive me there anyway.
We have also been requested to hang up all their Christmas lights while she is visiting Grandma in the hospital today. Then she said she was going to the farm stand down to the street to pick up some pies she ordered and we could come if we wanted to, so I assumed that meant I could pick up a little food there. Its expensive and full of gourmet items I can't afford, a loaf of bread in their bakery is $3.50. I got M dressed up in her winter finery and took her upstairs to put her in the car. My mom asked me to hold on a minute she had to find something or other so M went and climbed into her car seat. My mom came storming out of the house and started yelling "Don't cram her into the car right away, let her play outside for awhile, she needs fresh air" blah blah blah. If fresh air makes you grow up like my mom, I am out of there. I blew my cool and yelled "What the F?" and I did say "F" as in the letter "F" not the bad word cause my kid was around "She wanted to get in the car, we thought you would be right back" This trip is off to a good start.
On the drive over she revealed to me that a job had called for me but she never bothered to tell me. I don't even know what to say about this. I am not even going to talk about it because it makes me too angry. We got to the farm stand and immediately mom told M she could go see the farm animals. We ran around and looked at bunnies, goats, sheep and a donkey that M proudly identified as a "Moose"
Went back in the store section and started to pick up a few items. I picked up a pumpkin muffin as that is the treat M and I share every time we go to the farm stand and my mom came over and said "You don't need that, put it down. I got M a donut" I looked at her trying to fry her with my laser eye beams "this is for us to share" she started to walk away "put it back and get in the car" she replied over her shoulder. I grabbed a loaf of bread, the offensive muffin and went to check out. She gave me the look of doom. She remarked she didn't have enough pies and I said "are you expecting alot of people?" "around 9" she responded. After berating me for not knowing who the 9 people would be (I apparently should know who she invites to Thanksgiving) Told me her plan to have a Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday with my sister and her significant other and "I am going to cook the Turkey in the oven downstairs!" This being the oven in our kitchen. yay. Then on Friday they will have a second Thanksgiving for my brother and his girlfriend, that will include M's birthday party. She mentioned they were in the process of buying my brother a brand new snow blower for his house. That's nice. She told me anyone who comes to visit us - made sure to make a point of this one - and the pizza delivery man should go to the back of the house, not to the front. They need to go back where there is no outside light and it's hard to get the door open. Great, new rule day. I think I might go lie down, I am feeling kind of tired. Talk to you later.
I woke up after a freakish long nap. Mom and T got in fight while I was asleep and it's only gone downhill from there. She came downstairs and started yelling about us putting all this extra crummy furniture and dirty toys she gave M in the utility room and T is freaking out at me. Yelling at M, Yelling at me. He put everything back in the utility room that she took out so now she will yell at me when she finds out. She brought down food for M but not for us. He keeps telling me all the things I am supposed to be saying to her but he doesn't say anything.
*Update* Battleground Mom took a casualty tonight. When we came here there was a old long low coffee table here and M bounced off of it a few times so we asked if we could move it out somewhere. We were told that this is not our house so we can't move anything but finally we stored it in the utility room. Mom found out we put it back there tonight and she forced us to put it back. Not even an hour having it back, M was jumping, fell and slammed her face into the coffee table. She has a cut on her brow and a black eye forming. My sister and M2 were here and they saw the whole incident and agreed that table was dangerous. T moved the table back into the utility room and he is going to have to fight her when she finds out. Us 0 Mom 1
We have also been requested to hang up all their Christmas lights while she is visiting Grandma in the hospital today. Then she said she was going to the farm stand down to the street to pick up some pies she ordered and we could come if we wanted to, so I assumed that meant I could pick up a little food there. Its expensive and full of gourmet items I can't afford, a loaf of bread in their bakery is $3.50. I got M dressed up in her winter finery and took her upstairs to put her in the car. My mom asked me to hold on a minute she had to find something or other so M went and climbed into her car seat. My mom came storming out of the house and started yelling "Don't cram her into the car right away, let her play outside for awhile, she needs fresh air" blah blah blah. If fresh air makes you grow up like my mom, I am out of there. I blew my cool and yelled "What the F?" and I did say "F" as in the letter "F" not the bad word cause my kid was around "She wanted to get in the car, we thought you would be right back" This trip is off to a good start.
On the drive over she revealed to me that a job had called for me but she never bothered to tell me. I don't even know what to say about this. I am not even going to talk about it because it makes me too angry. We got to the farm stand and immediately mom told M she could go see the farm animals. We ran around and looked at bunnies, goats, sheep and a donkey that M proudly identified as a "Moose"
Went back in the store section and started to pick up a few items. I picked up a pumpkin muffin as that is the treat M and I share every time we go to the farm stand and my mom came over and said "You don't need that, put it down. I got M a donut" I looked at her trying to fry her with my laser eye beams "this is for us to share" she started to walk away "put it back and get in the car" she replied over her shoulder. I grabbed a loaf of bread, the offensive muffin and went to check out. She gave me the look of doom. She remarked she didn't have enough pies and I said "are you expecting alot of people?" "around 9" she responded. After berating me for not knowing who the 9 people would be (I apparently should know who she invites to Thanksgiving) Told me her plan to have a Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday with my sister and her significant other and "I am going to cook the Turkey in the oven downstairs!" This being the oven in our kitchen. yay. Then on Friday they will have a second Thanksgiving for my brother and his girlfriend, that will include M's birthday party. She mentioned they were in the process of buying my brother a brand new snow blower for his house. That's nice. She told me anyone who comes to visit us - made sure to make a point of this one - and the pizza delivery man should go to the back of the house, not to the front. They need to go back where there is no outside light and it's hard to get the door open. Great, new rule day. I think I might go lie down, I am feeling kind of tired. Talk to you later.
I woke up after a freakish long nap. Mom and T got in fight while I was asleep and it's only gone downhill from there. She came downstairs and started yelling about us putting all this extra crummy furniture and dirty toys she gave M in the utility room and T is freaking out at me. Yelling at M, Yelling at me. He put everything back in the utility room that she took out so now she will yell at me when she finds out. She brought down food for M but not for us. He keeps telling me all the things I am supposed to be saying to her but he doesn't say anything.
*Update* Battleground Mom took a casualty tonight. When we came here there was a old long low coffee table here and M bounced off of it a few times so we asked if we could move it out somewhere. We were told that this is not our house so we can't move anything but finally we stored it in the utility room. Mom found out we put it back there tonight and she forced us to put it back. Not even an hour having it back, M was jumping, fell and slammed her face into the coffee table. She has a cut on her brow and a black eye forming. My sister and M2 were here and they saw the whole incident and agreed that table was dangerous. T moved the table back into the utility room and he is going to have to fight her when she finds out. Us 0 Mom 1
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Milk....the Final Battleground
Fat free milk vs whole milk, the daily struggle took on a new level today. We really only use milk for our coffee which is our one real vice and M mostly drinks soy milk but for us we like to have it for our morning wake up routine. We both completely hate skim milk in coffee because it's like milk colored water. I don't mind using soy milk or non dairy creamer but he has to have milk. My mom insists that since I am "so fat" I need to use skim milk only and constantly gets us skim milk no matter how many times we ask for whole milk.
We had asked her to take us by the post office if she could find time in her schedule so we could mail a letter off to Japan to get some paperwork we need if we can ever afford to do the immigration application so she grudgingly agreed to take us in the morning. There is a little sort of pizza place/convenience store in the post office so I thought I could pick up some milk while we are there. It's a cold and rainy day, not a good day to be outside. Mom told me I didn't need milk because she had some upstairs and we could just have that. I said no, I didn't want her old skim milk. She brought down the remains of a gallon of skim milk. Around 2 inches left in the bottom. I told her it was ok, I would buy some at the store at the post office.
She drove us over there and parked very far away so we had to walk through the rain along the busy road. We weren't prepared for that so we had no umbrellas or rain gear, we thought it was a quick trip to the post office. Yes, there was parking right in front of the building. I waded through the ankle deep puddle she parked the car in and we slogged our way to the post office. Mom immediately disappeared into the store section with M. I paid for the letter to go to Japan then I went over to the store section to get milk. As I picked up a gallon of milk and headed for the register all of a sudden mom started yelling at me in front of all the people in the store "I already gave you milk, you don't need that! put it back!" and I responded "No, I want to buy some milk that we want to get, and have more than the little bit you gave me" and M said "Mommy I am so hungry". M hadn't eaten yet because we don't have much for breakfast food so I hadn't given her anything yet. I asked her what she wanted to eat and Mom said "She has plenty to eat at home" grabbed M's kiddy umbrella out of T's hands and stormed off with M into the parking lot. T and I were appalled and embarassed. I had asked the clerk not to finish ringing up my sale because I had wanted to add something in for M to eat. The clerk didn't meet my eyes and simply said "$4.59 please". It was awful. We drove back to the house in silence and mom parked on the street and made us walk through the rain up their long driveway to the house.
We have lost so much money because of her, having to spend money on motels when we could have simply stayed in the spare room upstairs, not being able to go to a grocery store we can afford, having to pay her for groceries we don't want or need, having to order delivery food because she won't take us to the store etc..T always wants me to argue with her about everything but he doesn't realize I can't. If they throw us out we have no where to go. I have to bite my lip and bear it as much as I can for now. It's a catch 22 life.
I was fantasizing last night about living in Hawaii. T found out that the Hair dresser's license test is administered in Japanese as well. There is a perfect mix of culture for M to grow up in. There are lots of Japanese there and many signs in Japanese. There are Japanese stores and half Japanese children. Everyone is so nice to M and she is so happy there. I am not one for tropical heat but if my family is happy, then I am happy. Plus M is obsessed with Hula. When we were last in Hawaii, M met a famous Ukelele player who played especially for M and said she really has something special in her hula. It was amazing. Next to living in NZ again that would be a perfect place for us. If someday we can pull ourselves up out of this morass of unhappiness we call a life perhaps we can go there and live. Or I can sink into fantasy life and live in a mental hospital but really think I live on an island. Didn't that happen in "LOST"? with the fat guy there, Hurley? I have no idea what is going on in that show.
Until then, it's Battle Royale of the dairy variety.
We had asked her to take us by the post office if she could find time in her schedule so we could mail a letter off to Japan to get some paperwork we need if we can ever afford to do the immigration application so she grudgingly agreed to take us in the morning. There is a little sort of pizza place/convenience store in the post office so I thought I could pick up some milk while we are there. It's a cold and rainy day, not a good day to be outside. Mom told me I didn't need milk because she had some upstairs and we could just have that. I said no, I didn't want her old skim milk. She brought down the remains of a gallon of skim milk. Around 2 inches left in the bottom. I told her it was ok, I would buy some at the store at the post office.
She drove us over there and parked very far away so we had to walk through the rain along the busy road. We weren't prepared for that so we had no umbrellas or rain gear, we thought it was a quick trip to the post office. Yes, there was parking right in front of the building. I waded through the ankle deep puddle she parked the car in and we slogged our way to the post office. Mom immediately disappeared into the store section with M. I paid for the letter to go to Japan then I went over to the store section to get milk. As I picked up a gallon of milk and headed for the register all of a sudden mom started yelling at me in front of all the people in the store "I already gave you milk, you don't need that! put it back!" and I responded "No, I want to buy some milk that we want to get, and have more than the little bit you gave me" and M said "Mommy I am so hungry". M hadn't eaten yet because we don't have much for breakfast food so I hadn't given her anything yet. I asked her what she wanted to eat and Mom said "She has plenty to eat at home" grabbed M's kiddy umbrella out of T's hands and stormed off with M into the parking lot. T and I were appalled and embarassed. I had asked the clerk not to finish ringing up my sale because I had wanted to add something in for M to eat. The clerk didn't meet my eyes and simply said "$4.59 please". It was awful. We drove back to the house in silence and mom parked on the street and made us walk through the rain up their long driveway to the house.
We have lost so much money because of her, having to spend money on motels when we could have simply stayed in the spare room upstairs, not being able to go to a grocery store we can afford, having to pay her for groceries we don't want or need, having to order delivery food because she won't take us to the store etc..T always wants me to argue with her about everything but he doesn't realize I can't. If they throw us out we have no where to go. I have to bite my lip and bear it as much as I can for now. It's a catch 22 life.
I was fantasizing last night about living in Hawaii. T found out that the Hair dresser's license test is administered in Japanese as well. There is a perfect mix of culture for M to grow up in. There are lots of Japanese there and many signs in Japanese. There are Japanese stores and half Japanese children. Everyone is so nice to M and she is so happy there. I am not one for tropical heat but if my family is happy, then I am happy. Plus M is obsessed with Hula. When we were last in Hawaii, M met a famous Ukelele player who played especially for M and said she really has something special in her hula. It was amazing. Next to living in NZ again that would be a perfect place for us. If someday we can pull ourselves up out of this morass of unhappiness we call a life perhaps we can go there and live. Or I can sink into fantasy life and live in a mental hospital but really think I live on an island. Didn't that happen in "LOST"? with the fat guy there, Hurley? I have no idea what is going on in that show.
Until then, it's Battle Royale of the dairy variety.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sing Along For Sarah
I understand so well your feelings. Homesickness comes and goes with me, the smallest thing can set it off. Remember, dear heart, that home is wherever your beautiful girl is. When you are feeling down, simply
dare to be stupid!
Dare To Be Stupid Lyrics
Artist:Weird Al Yankovic
Put down that chainsaw and listen to me
It's time for us to join in the fight
It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys
It's time to let the bedbugs bite
You better put all your eggs in one basket
You better count your chickens before they hatch
You better sell some wine before it's time
You better find yourself an itch to scratch
You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Wipple's not around
Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan
Talk with your mouth full
Bite the hand that feeds you
Bite off more than you can chew
What can you do
Dare to be stupid
Take some wooden nickles
Look for Mr. Goodbar
Get your mojo working now
I'll show you how
You can dare to be stupid
You can turn the other cheek
You can just give up the ship
You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip
Dare to be stupid
Come on and dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Let's go
It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill
So can I have a volunteer
There's no more time for crying over spilled milk
Now it's time for crying in your beer
Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA
Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet
And party 'till you're broke and they drive you away
It's OK, you can dare to be stupid
It's like spitting on a fish
It's like barking up a tree
It's like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free
Dare to be stupid (yes)
Why don't you dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Dare to be stupid
Burn your candle at both ends
Look a gift horse in the mouth
Mashed potatos can be your friends
You can be a coffee achiever
You can sit around the house and watch Leave It To Beaver
The future's up to you
So what you gonna do
dare to be stupid!
Dare To Be Stupid Lyrics
Artist:Weird Al Yankovic
Put down that chainsaw and listen to me
It's time for us to join in the fight
It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys
It's time to let the bedbugs bite
You better put all your eggs in one basket
You better count your chickens before they hatch
You better sell some wine before it's time
You better find yourself an itch to scratch
You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Wipple's not around
Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan
Talk with your mouth full
Bite the hand that feeds you
Bite off more than you can chew
What can you do
Dare to be stupid
Take some wooden nickles
Look for Mr. Goodbar
Get your mojo working now
I'll show you how
You can dare to be stupid
You can turn the other cheek
You can just give up the ship
You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip
Dare to be stupid
Come on and dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Let's go
It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill
So can I have a volunteer
There's no more time for crying over spilled milk
Now it's time for crying in your beer
Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA
Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet
And party 'till you're broke and they drive you away
It's OK, you can dare to be stupid
It's like spitting on a fish
It's like barking up a tree
It's like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free
Dare to be stupid (yes)
Why don't you dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Dare to be stupid
Burn your candle at both ends
Look a gift horse in the mouth
Mashed potatos can be your friends
You can be a coffee achiever
You can sit around the house and watch Leave It To Beaver
The future's up to you
So what you gonna do
Sleep is a 5 Letter Word
We almost had a good morning to sleep but M woke up early. She must be getting used to waking up early now which I am guessing is part of Mom's ultimate plan. Since we were pre awaken when mom did the "knock knock door" ha we were already up. She looked disappointed to find us awake and then said today I could do laundry if I wanted to. She said they were leaving to go to the hospital as usual.
We spent a quiet day, we were feeling tired and worn out after yesterday's birthday debacle. I know my birthday obsession stems from my youth when I always wanted to have a big party with all my friends but I never was able to have one. It was either a family party or I would be allowed to have one or two friends come only. My birthday one year I was told I could invite one friend. The following year, my sister got to have a Kermit the Frog theme birthday with party hats, plates, a big cake and lots and lots of friends. I don't want M to ever feel neglected and sad like that and last year she had a birthday that is still talked about in New Zealand. This year, she had the kind of birthday my mom is best at. She told M that her "real" birthday party would be on Thursday when my sister and brother would be here for Thanksgiving. She has also replaced M's picture on the refrigerator with a huge photo of my brother and his girlfriend.
Mom came back and started banging on the door during M's nap. Woke her up. She said she needed to talk to me so I had to go upstairs and listen to the list of things I had done wrong during the day. I didn't fold all my laundry and I dried a zip up sweater with the zipper unzipped. This would lead to the dryer being scratched up and ruined. She wanted to know why M was still sleeping, why did I ask stupid questions about grandma in the hospital? and the trash goes out tonight. Did we go outside today? What have we been doing? Makes my head hurt. I made the instant mac n cheese for dinner tonight with a side order of Cheez-its.
We spent a quiet day, we were feeling tired and worn out after yesterday's birthday debacle. I know my birthday obsession stems from my youth when I always wanted to have a big party with all my friends but I never was able to have one. It was either a family party or I would be allowed to have one or two friends come only. My birthday one year I was told I could invite one friend. The following year, my sister got to have a Kermit the Frog theme birthday with party hats, plates, a big cake and lots and lots of friends. I don't want M to ever feel neglected and sad like that and last year she had a birthday that is still talked about in New Zealand. This year, she had the kind of birthday my mom is best at. She told M that her "real" birthday party would be on Thursday when my sister and brother would be here for Thanksgiving. She has also replaced M's picture on the refrigerator with a huge photo of my brother and his girlfriend.
Mom came back and started banging on the door during M's nap. Woke her up. She said she needed to talk to me so I had to go upstairs and listen to the list of things I had done wrong during the day. I didn't fold all my laundry and I dried a zip up sweater with the zipper unzipped. This would lead to the dryer being scratched up and ruined. She wanted to know why M was still sleeping, why did I ask stupid questions about grandma in the hospital? and the trash goes out tonight. Did we go outside today? What have we been doing? Makes my head hurt. I made the instant mac n cheese for dinner tonight with a side order of Cheez-its.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Birthday
It's early check in on M's birthday day. We were awoken out of a deep sleep by mom barging downstairs carrying M's presents. She handed us a cake and said she was leaving to go spend the day at the hospital with grandma. so she isn't going to spend time with her grand daughter on her birthday. Ok fine. While she was down here I was trying to put all the presents out of reach and of course, M was freaking out about wanting to open the gifts NOW. M started crying suddenly saying that "grandma hurt me" I don't know what happened but M was upset and mom left. She left a cake that is one of those fancy adult cakes. Better than nothing but not what I had in mind.
Yesterday I asked her to take me to the store so I could get M a cake. I saved a little bit of money to get her a fun character cake and I couldn't wait to go pick one out. I had skimped out on actual presents to get a cake. I got her three presents and the cake was going to be the fourth one. I asked mom to take me to the store so I could get M something special for dinner for her birthday and a cake. She said no, and then said she would get whatever I needed. I told her a cake and something nice for dinner.
She came back that evening with a box of instant macaroni and cheese, cheez-its, applesauce, microwave popcorn, and bottled water. What do I do with that? These are not anything I would have chosen. I know I am lucky to get anything, but how hard is it to take a few minutes to take us to the store? Why can't she take us to the store ever? We haven't gone to the store in a month.
Anyway, M is done watching her show so now off to find something I can use as a birthday candle. Nope, she didn't get candles either..
1:14 pm T is vacuuming, M is in her party dress. We are waiting for my friend, L to arrive. She is going to stop by Target and pick us up some birthday candles. She called earlier and apparently when my dad answered the phone he didn't really want to let her talk to me before he came and told us there was a phone call. He never hung up the other phone either so I could hear the tv upstairs through my whole conversation. After we talked briefly, I had to go upstairs to hang up the phone. It's like you can't take 5 seconds from your busy day of sitting on your rear to hang up the phone? I am again at the boiling point today. They can be so freakin' selfish. My dad didn't even say "Happy Birthday" to M. T is using the broken vacuum cleaner they gave us. The roller bar is being turned by a rubber band. Just a regular old rubber band. There are two brand new vacuum cleaners upstairs but they won't let us use one because they don't want me to "break it" I get angry at them and then I take it out on my family, it's really not fair. At times I feel it's all T's fault that I am in the mess in the first place. I know it's not something he could have helped but he should try harder to fix this. or something. yes, Happy Birthday!
I lost my train of thought on this so all I can add is that my father NEVER did say "Happy Birthday" to M. My mother spelled M's name wrong on the top of the cake. Also, it was only a one layer cake. I believe you have ask special for a birthday cake like that to be only one layer? She also brought us some fat free frozen yogurt. I asked her why she spelled the name on the cake wrong, she said it must have been the bakery. Then I said it was also written on the birthday card from her. She made her mouth into a tight line and went back upstairs.
Yesterday I asked her to take me to the store so I could get M a cake. I saved a little bit of money to get her a fun character cake and I couldn't wait to go pick one out. I had skimped out on actual presents to get a cake. I got her three presents and the cake was going to be the fourth one. I asked mom to take me to the store so I could get M something special for dinner for her birthday and a cake. She said no, and then said she would get whatever I needed. I told her a cake and something nice for dinner.
She came back that evening with a box of instant macaroni and cheese, cheez-its, applesauce, microwave popcorn, and bottled water. What do I do with that? These are not anything I would have chosen. I know I am lucky to get anything, but how hard is it to take a few minutes to take us to the store? Why can't she take us to the store ever? We haven't gone to the store in a month.
Anyway, M is done watching her show so now off to find something I can use as a birthday candle. Nope, she didn't get candles either..
1:14 pm T is vacuuming, M is in her party dress. We are waiting for my friend, L to arrive. She is going to stop by Target and pick us up some birthday candles. She called earlier and apparently when my dad answered the phone he didn't really want to let her talk to me before he came and told us there was a phone call. He never hung up the other phone either so I could hear the tv upstairs through my whole conversation. After we talked briefly, I had to go upstairs to hang up the phone. It's like you can't take 5 seconds from your busy day of sitting on your rear to hang up the phone? I am again at the boiling point today. They can be so freakin' selfish. My dad didn't even say "Happy Birthday" to M. T is using the broken vacuum cleaner they gave us. The roller bar is being turned by a rubber band. Just a regular old rubber band. There are two brand new vacuum cleaners upstairs but they won't let us use one because they don't want me to "break it" I get angry at them and then I take it out on my family, it's really not fair. At times I feel it's all T's fault that I am in the mess in the first place. I know it's not something he could have helped but he should try harder to fix this. or something. yes, Happy Birthday!
I lost my train of thought on this so all I can add is that my father NEVER did say "Happy Birthday" to M. My mother spelled M's name wrong on the top of the cake. Also, it was only a one layer cake. I believe you have ask special for a birthday cake like that to be only one layer? She also brought us some fat free frozen yogurt. I asked her why she spelled the name on the cake wrong, she said it must have been the bakery. Then I said it was also written on the birthday card from her. She made her mouth into a tight line and went back upstairs.
Friday, November 21, 2008
How do you get fired as a volunteer?
Taking a break from cleaning for M's birthday weekend and watching my favorite "How clean is your house" when I get a phone call. Today is one of the days I am allowed to answer the phone because mom is afraid she will miss a call from one of Grandma's many doctors. So the phone call is the director of the organization my mom has been volunteering for and basically they told me they are letting her go citing too many family issues. They were nice about it but still they told me to tell her "don't call us, we will call you" gosh, I can't wait to give her that message. I better wear a football helmet and padding. Let you know how that turns out. Put on your helmets!
Today's arguement between me and T. Is Boston well known to foreigners? He says it isn't but I just proved to him after I found a poll that the top places in the US are New York, "Florida" Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Boston. He is so hard headed. Now we fight about trivial stuff.
It's about 6:30 now and mom has been going up and down our stairs puttering around. I told her about the job and she was upset, but not loud or angry in the way I expected. She said that she thought they may have made the decision based on the fact she hasn't shown up in over 3 weeks. I would agree that would be a reason. She is now subdued and only mildly insulting rather than her usual. In fact, she only accused me of letting mice in the house and not making M wear a sweater so for her, that's quiet.
T and I made up for our dopey argument about the US list of well known places and the three of us played "How clean is your house?" using cleaning tips from the show we all worked hard to make the place gleaming. I can tell you the best part of that show, we can't afford cleaning products but they have lots of inexpensive cleaning tips like using salt (.99 cents yo!) as a mildly abrasive cleaner with hot water and dish soap. It worked like a charm!!! Plus it has the extra advantage of not being toxic for the environment.
A link to uses for Salt as a cleaning agent
http://www.greenfootsteps.com/cleaning-with-salt.html
Here is a part of an episode for anyone who doesn't know this show. T has a HUGE crush on Kim, btw. It's hilarious.
Warning: Graphic Dirt!!
Today's arguement between me and T. Is Boston well known to foreigners? He says it isn't but I just proved to him after I found a poll that the top places in the US are New York, "Florida" Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Boston. He is so hard headed. Now we fight about trivial stuff.
It's about 6:30 now and mom has been going up and down our stairs puttering around. I told her about the job and she was upset, but not loud or angry in the way I expected. She said that she thought they may have made the decision based on the fact she hasn't shown up in over 3 weeks. I would agree that would be a reason. She is now subdued and only mildly insulting rather than her usual. In fact, she only accused me of letting mice in the house and not making M wear a sweater so for her, that's quiet.
T and I made up for our dopey argument about the US list of well known places and the three of us played "How clean is your house?" using cleaning tips from the show we all worked hard to make the place gleaming. I can tell you the best part of that show, we can't afford cleaning products but they have lots of inexpensive cleaning tips like using salt (.99 cents yo!) as a mildly abrasive cleaner with hot water and dish soap. It worked like a charm!!! Plus it has the extra advantage of not being toxic for the environment.
A link to uses for Salt as a cleaning agent
http://www.greenfootsteps.com/cleaning-with-salt.html
Here is a part of an episode for anyone who doesn't know this show. T has a HUGE crush on Kim, btw. It's hilarious.
Warning: Graphic Dirt!!
M's video of the week
M is pretty smart, too smart. She taught herself to view videos on my computer and she even plugs in the headphones to listen. She has found this video to be on her replay list because she says it is very funny. She likes MC Mong's videos for the humor and dancing. She loves dancing.
For nearly 3 years old she is pretty hip.
I like at the end when he tells the girl "Listen closely and remember this, Until I die, I will only choose you" aww how romantic.
Born on September 4, 1979, MC Mong is a South Korean hip hop artist who is known for his comic disposition and his upbeat songs. He first debuted as a member of People Crew, which debuted in 1998. Because he was overshadowed by other members in his group, he was not noticed until 2003, when he acted in MBC's Non-Stop 4. His albums are known mostly for their comedic styles (aided by humorous music videos), although his most recent album has taken on a slightly more serious tone. His nickname is "monkey" due to his resemblance to the animal; most Korean variety shows reference this.
--Wikipedia
For nearly 3 years old she is pretty hip.
I like at the end when he tells the girl "Listen closely and remember this, Until I die, I will only choose you" aww how romantic.
Born on September 4, 1979, MC Mong is a South Korean hip hop artist who is known for his comic disposition and his upbeat songs. He first debuted as a member of People Crew, which debuted in 1998. Because he was overshadowed by other members in his group, he was not noticed until 2003, when he acted in MBC's Non-Stop 4. His albums are known mostly for their comedic styles (aided by humorous music videos), although his most recent album has taken on a slightly more serious tone. His nickname is "monkey" due to his resemblance to the animal; most Korean variety shows reference this.
--Wikipedia
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Mind Fog
Should not have stayed up so late last night. I am literally a zombie. The "knock knock door" was back today in the form of a "Talk" but thankfully M followed me upstairs and mom was afraid to "Talk" in front of her. She ended up writing me a note asking me if I thought M would be upset seeing Grandma in the hospital with a tube up her nose. I don't know, what do you think? She also informed me that she would be taking us to the library before she went back to the hospital. Being half asleep I don't think I understood much about what was going on there conversation wise. She told us to go have breakfast and then she would take me to the library.
After breakfast, -granola bar for M- I got M dressed and tried to make some coffee in the broken coffeemaker they gave us and sure enough today was one of the days it wouldn't work. It's pretty hit or miss with that machine. It's always when I feel I need coffee the most though. To cap off the morning fun the toilet backed up. We have a very small closet bathroom with a shower and toilet and the toilet doesn't always drain properly so you can have a problem there at times. Especially when the basement floods it gets pretty messy, once it overflowed completely into the shower. The back up happens every couple of weeks but today it was in concert with the coffee maker.
Drove to the library with minimal conversation as it's impossible to do small talk with my mom. You never know when the flip out will happen so I am usually quiet. She dropped us off at the front door and then went to do some mysterious errand. M and I went to the children's library and met a very nice woman and her 3 year old and M had fun playing with her until she had to go. I started to browse in the Young Adult section as I was drawn in by the "Twilight" posters (ya ya I read em, you know you did too) I also noticed a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" and thought about rereading it. Like a ninja, mom came up behind me and told me that was the wrong section for M "I know" I replied "I was looking for books for me" she gave me a look of scorn and retorted "Those books are too young for you, get out of there" She picked up some books that M wasn't interested in and told us we had to leave so mom could go back to the hospital. I asked her if she could check out a book for me (adult section book btw) since I have nothing left to read and no library card in the US, she looked at me and picked up her books and walked out. Only that woman can make a short trip to the library be a glimpse of hell. On the way back I made a fatal mistake and tried small talk. "It's really cold out today" I said. She questioned me "Don't you go outside every morning?" warning warning warning my mind alerted me red alert red alert "not today" I replied abandon ship repeat abandon ship "You need to go outside every day, the way you treat M is nothing short of abusive, you never take her outside you need to go outdoors..." and it went on and on and on and on........
She dropped us off at the house and said she was late for the hospital. To really dig a hole for myself I asked her if they made her punch in at the hospital. I got a glare to smite me dead for that one. My mouth is a menace.
With them out of the house we had another full run of the upstairs, so we ate all their tortilla chips - I will pay for that someday- and most of the time my grandmother's personal phone line was ringing. We don't have our own phone line and we are not allowed to answer the phone unless we get permission first. My grandmother who had a stroke and can barely talk has her own phone line. This is how it is. My entire family is on a family cell phone plan for years now, my brother and sister both have their own phone paid for by my parents. I was never invited to have a cell phone with them even when I was in the US. I get a little jealous when they are all discussing their cell phones and what plans they want to go with for next year. My mom doesn't let anyone call her cell phone because she wants to keep the line open for my brother and sister to call her. Indeed, they are the only ones who do.
Later that evening, "The knock knock door" was activated and mom came down with a gallon of fat free milk, we have told her time and again we hate fat free milk. She says I need to take responsibility for my weight or she will do it for me. She got M some juice. I have never given juice to M because I feel it's empty calories but my mom gives it to her non stop even though I constantly ask her not to. One of the reasons M has put on so much weight here. She gave us a box of salt free plain microwave popcorn, yogurt and a loaf of french bread. This is supposed to keep a family of three fed until next week. Then she told me she was going to get a cake for M for her birthday. She knows this was something I was looking forward to doing. I have been so excited to pick out a cake I know M will love and get excited over. Now my mom is taking that away too. She says now that she brought us all these groceries we don't need a ride to the store so stop asking. Only one of my friends will come to M's birthday on Sunday. This is how it is.
After breakfast, -granola bar for M- I got M dressed and tried to make some coffee in the broken coffeemaker they gave us and sure enough today was one of the days it wouldn't work. It's pretty hit or miss with that machine. It's always when I feel I need coffee the most though. To cap off the morning fun the toilet backed up. We have a very small closet bathroom with a shower and toilet and the toilet doesn't always drain properly so you can have a problem there at times. Especially when the basement floods it gets pretty messy, once it overflowed completely into the shower. The back up happens every couple of weeks but today it was in concert with the coffee maker.
Drove to the library with minimal conversation as it's impossible to do small talk with my mom. You never know when the flip out will happen so I am usually quiet. She dropped us off at the front door and then went to do some mysterious errand. M and I went to the children's library and met a very nice woman and her 3 year old and M had fun playing with her until she had to go. I started to browse in the Young Adult section as I was drawn in by the "Twilight" posters (ya ya I read em, you know you did too) I also noticed a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" and thought about rereading it. Like a ninja, mom came up behind me and told me that was the wrong section for M "I know" I replied "I was looking for books for me" she gave me a look of scorn and retorted "Those books are too young for you, get out of there" She picked up some books that M wasn't interested in and told us we had to leave so mom could go back to the hospital. I asked her if she could check out a book for me (adult section book btw) since I have nothing left to read and no library card in the US, she looked at me and picked up her books and walked out. Only that woman can make a short trip to the library be a glimpse of hell. On the way back I made a fatal mistake and tried small talk. "It's really cold out today" I said. She questioned me "Don't you go outside every morning?" warning warning warning my mind alerted me red alert red alert "not today" I replied abandon ship repeat abandon ship "You need to go outside every day, the way you treat M is nothing short of abusive, you never take her outside you need to go outdoors..." and it went on and on and on and on........
She dropped us off at the house and said she was late for the hospital. To really dig a hole for myself I asked her if they made her punch in at the hospital. I got a glare to smite me dead for that one. My mouth is a menace.
With them out of the house we had another full run of the upstairs, so we ate all their tortilla chips - I will pay for that someday- and most of the time my grandmother's personal phone line was ringing. We don't have our own phone line and we are not allowed to answer the phone unless we get permission first. My grandmother who had a stroke and can barely talk has her own phone line. This is how it is. My entire family is on a family cell phone plan for years now, my brother and sister both have their own phone paid for by my parents. I was never invited to have a cell phone with them even when I was in the US. I get a little jealous when they are all discussing their cell phones and what plans they want to go with for next year. My mom doesn't let anyone call her cell phone because she wants to keep the line open for my brother and sister to call her. Indeed, they are the only ones who do.
Later that evening, "The knock knock door" was activated and mom came down with a gallon of fat free milk, we have told her time and again we hate fat free milk. She says I need to take responsibility for my weight or she will do it for me. She got M some juice. I have never given juice to M because I feel it's empty calories but my mom gives it to her non stop even though I constantly ask her not to. One of the reasons M has put on so much weight here. She gave us a box of salt free plain microwave popcorn, yogurt and a loaf of french bread. This is supposed to keep a family of three fed until next week. Then she told me she was going to get a cake for M for her birthday. She knows this was something I was looking forward to doing. I have been so excited to pick out a cake I know M will love and get excited over. Now my mom is taking that away too. She says now that she brought us all these groceries we don't need a ride to the store so stop asking. Only one of my friends will come to M's birthday on Sunday. This is how it is.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Chef Boyardee
Morning was relatively quiet, surprise surprise. We all ended up sleeping really late. Mom apparently went to the hospital again to spend another 10 hours with grandma. Don't get me wrong, I care about my grandma but she is the center of my mom's universe when M should be in that pantheon somewhere. We had a good time with the run of the whole house. We are like children let out to play. They don't have anything good to eat up there though. Everything is Fat Free, Salt Free, Sugar Free and Taste Free. T was pointing out the high amounts of sodium there is in so much of the fat free products. All the things she gives M to snack on have some kind of artificial sweetner which I don't want her to eat.
When mom finally came home she called to me from the top of the stairs. Boy, it was time for a "Talk" again. Whoa, its 33o am, I better get some shut eye before she wakes me up at 7 am again.
to be continued.....
I better finish this one before my memory deletes it. Let's skip to the part when mom comes home again after our happy day of treating her home as our own. We watched a couple episodes of one of our new favorites shows "How Clean Is Your House?" on their tv which is a real size tv. We have a little 13 inch tv in the basement and it's oddly pleasing to watch tv on a large television again.
So she comes home and demands I go upstairs for a "Talk" this was a doozy. One of the worst ones since I have been here. She demanded to know why I asked about the empty house they have for rent and I am damn lucky to be living here and I don't appreciate how lucky I am. She accused T of being a liar and not really working on his immigration status and doesn't love me and M at all. She said I am an abusive mother and I should have my child taken away from me. She says I can't have a civilized conversation without crying or getting upset. Perhaps because her civilized conversations are always threatening, demeaning and angry. It was pretty awful. My dad sat in the other room watching television with no comment. I ran downstairs hysterical because she knows just where to hurt me, where my insecurities lie. She knows because she put them there. I lay on the bed sobbing and little M came to me and hugged me and said "Don't cry mommy, I am here..I am right here" She is such a strong, beautiful person, she deserves so much better than the life I give her. I have never desired alot of money, or a huge house, or many things, I simply want my daughter to be happy, safe and well loved. For a time in New Zealand, I discovered that dream life. My tiny family is everything to me. I would die for them. I asked T if he could still get his green card if I was gone and then he got upset with me and ended up going on and on about my mom for an hour. When we had the problem in NZ it was bad for a different reason. It was real and tangible and not personal. What my mother does to me is insidious and evil. I can't even fight it. I would rather someone punch me in my face than play mind games with me. I can fight back, but I can't fight that.
In a bizarre change of face which makes me wonder if she is a split personality, mom brought us down a Chef Boyardee pizza. T and I both commented that it tasted like medicine and the baby wouldn't eat it. I said to T "If this was a horror movie, my mom poisoned the pizza" He laughed and agreed but we were both a little unsettled lol. Mom didn't speak to us again that evening even when I returned the pizza plate to upstairs. When M went to bed she kept waking up screaming from nightmares so I didn't sleep for a long time. I watched a Korean movie called "Ryeong" online. For some reason scary movies cheer me up. I guess watching someone fight ghosts is how I need to fight my mom. We call my mom "Onibaba" which means "Demon woman" in Japanese.
When mom finally came home she called to me from the top of the stairs. Boy, it was time for a "Talk" again. Whoa, its 33o am, I better get some shut eye before she wakes me up at 7 am again.
to be continued.....
I better finish this one before my memory deletes it. Let's skip to the part when mom comes home again after our happy day of treating her home as our own. We watched a couple episodes of one of our new favorites shows "How Clean Is Your House?" on their tv which is a real size tv. We have a little 13 inch tv in the basement and it's oddly pleasing to watch tv on a large television again.
So she comes home and demands I go upstairs for a "Talk" this was a doozy. One of the worst ones since I have been here. She demanded to know why I asked about the empty house they have for rent and I am damn lucky to be living here and I don't appreciate how lucky I am. She accused T of being a liar and not really working on his immigration status and doesn't love me and M at all. She said I am an abusive mother and I should have my child taken away from me. She says I can't have a civilized conversation without crying or getting upset. Perhaps because her civilized conversations are always threatening, demeaning and angry. It was pretty awful. My dad sat in the other room watching television with no comment. I ran downstairs hysterical because she knows just where to hurt me, where my insecurities lie. She knows because she put them there. I lay on the bed sobbing and little M came to me and hugged me and said "Don't cry mommy, I am here..I am right here" She is such a strong, beautiful person, she deserves so much better than the life I give her. I have never desired alot of money, or a huge house, or many things, I simply want my daughter to be happy, safe and well loved. For a time in New Zealand, I discovered that dream life. My tiny family is everything to me. I would die for them. I asked T if he could still get his green card if I was gone and then he got upset with me and ended up going on and on about my mom for an hour. When we had the problem in NZ it was bad for a different reason. It was real and tangible and not personal. What my mother does to me is insidious and evil. I can't even fight it. I would rather someone punch me in my face than play mind games with me. I can fight back, but I can't fight that.
In a bizarre change of face which makes me wonder if she is a split personality, mom brought us down a Chef Boyardee pizza. T and I both commented that it tasted like medicine and the baby wouldn't eat it. I said to T "If this was a horror movie, my mom poisoned the pizza" He laughed and agreed but we were both a little unsettled lol. Mom didn't speak to us again that evening even when I returned the pizza plate to upstairs. When M went to bed she kept waking up screaming from nightmares so I didn't sleep for a long time. I watched a Korean movie called "Ryeong" online. For some reason scary movies cheer me up. I guess watching someone fight ghosts is how I need to fight my mom. We call my mom "Onibaba" which means "Demon woman" in Japanese.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Never a normal conversation 'round here
No "knock knock" door this morning. Only the sounds of furniture moving and banging over our heads. The mom came down about 11 am and M followed her upstairs so I had to go up and get her. I asked mom if it was ok if a few of my friends came over to celebrate M's birthday (last time I asked about an occasion she flipped out and said my friends would bother grandma) but today she said she didn't mind but had to throw in the comment "since it's YOUR space even though you don't PAY to live there". There is no one who is better at making nasty comments, I tell you. She offered to make M a cake but I hesitated for two reasons, 1. her cakes aren't very good and 2. M really likes store bought cake because she rarely gets to have one. As I hesitated my mom remarked "You really need to start watching what you spend since you spend so much money on pizza" that made me fly into a black rage. She is the reason I have to spend money on pizza. She never takes us to the store regularly so I have to get us food somehow. She spends 10 hours a day in the hospital with my grandmother but she can't spare a half hour to take us to the store. We have only bought pizza 4 times since we have been here. Because they don't help us we won't even be able to buy groceries soon so she has no reason to make any comment.
I need Anger Management classes, I really do. I feel so angry all the time. Maybe walking or doing some exercise will help. As for M's party, I hope some people will come. My friends don't come over much at all. They are all nervous around my mom and a long time ago I couldn't get anyone to come over at all. She used to be really cruel to one of my best friends and she is terrified to come over. When we were in high school she used to call her a whore, a prostitute, loser, hooker, etc...This is a girl who graduated from her school as the valedictorian. When i go back and read what I wrote I think to myself "good lord, what was I thinking coming back here?"
I need Anger Management classes, I really do. I feel so angry all the time. Maybe walking or doing some exercise will help. As for M's party, I hope some people will come. My friends don't come over much at all. They are all nervous around my mom and a long time ago I couldn't get anyone to come over at all. She used to be really cruel to one of my best friends and she is terrified to come over. When we were in high school she used to call her a whore, a prostitute, loser, hooker, etc...This is a girl who graduated from her school as the valedictorian. When i go back and read what I wrote I think to myself "good lord, what was I thinking coming back here?"
Monday, November 17, 2008
Unmotivational Tapes
I am tired. Woke up to the daily song of the "knock knock door". Mom woke us all up simply to say she was on her way to the hospital and today I was allowed to answer the phone. She wanted M to come visit Grandma in the hospital today but then mom called to say that she didn't want her to come after all. She instructed us by phone to make sure we went outside for awhile. Spent some time cleaning and spending our time outdoors as instructed. I don't know how she knows, but she can always tell if we have been outside or not.
One disappointment today was I had got M a "Thomas and Friends" dvd off ebay for .99 cents! for her birthday and it came in the mail today so I left it on the counter while I folded laundry because I thought she was having her nap. She woke up and found the dvd before I saw her so I had to give it to her today. She is happy with it though. It reminds her of her best friend in NZ. He loves Thomas. She always asks me when she will see him again. She told me just now that "O is coming, he is coming!" I never know what to tell her when she talks about him.
I haven't done much online the past few days except watch a couple movies. My brain hurts, lol.
One disappointment today was I had got M a "Thomas and Friends" dvd off ebay for .99 cents! for her birthday and it came in the mail today so I left it on the counter while I folded laundry because I thought she was having her nap. She woke up and found the dvd before I saw her so I had to give it to her today. She is happy with it though. It reminds her of her best friend in NZ. He loves Thomas. She always asks me when she will see him again. She told me just now that "O is coming, he is coming!" I never know what to tell her when she talks about him.
I haven't done much online the past few days except watch a couple movies. My brain hurts, lol.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The Final Straw
We found out today some shocking news. I am so angry right now I can't even wrap my head around it. We originally came here because my parents had promised we could live in one of their houses but when we got here they gave it to my brother instead. They installed us in the tiny basement with no light instead. The basement which regularly floods forcing us to stay in motels we can't afford, the basement that had an alarm for Carbon Monoxide going off in it regularly till my mom said it was just malfunctioning and took the battery out. A family of 3 cramped into two rooms.
Anyway, they have other houses which they rent out and one of them is a house I always loved. Its bright and clean and central to everything. Stores are in walking distance, the bus and train to the big city are right there convenient. There is a bustling downtown available. The house has a nice fenced in yard, a big garage. It has light sunny kitchen with 2 bedrooms. Perfect for kids. I have wanted to live in that house since my parents bought it for a song at the right time. It has this wonderful welcoming feeling that I love.
Turns out the house is empty right now. The person who was renting it has moved out. So it's just sitting there EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We live in two tiny rooms with no sunlight no way to get anywhere no hope and they have a perfectly good home. I asked my father today why we couldn't live in it and he said "oh sure if you can pay the heat bill" sarcastically. This is the same guy who bought a brand new car a few weeks ago then used their old one as a trade in for cheap instead of offering it to us. I know parents don't have to help you, it's not a right that we have help. I don't expect them to help me, I know better than that by now. Please can't they think of their grandchild? I am so done with them if I can get out of here. that's it, why do I need to care? I keep trying to convince myself that they are helping us because we do have heat and a roof over our heads but how does that help when we cant afford food and we cant get to the store even if we had money and if I cant get to work. Maybe it's me, maybe I am looking at this from the wrong angle.
We had to go to the hospital today to visit my grandmother who is in ICU. My mother spends 10 hours a day with her. She told me I had to go visit her today and wouldn't let me bring M. I touched the monitor asking what some number meant and managed to turn the whole screen off. Leave it to me. Anyway, this blog is very cathartic, it's nice to have a place to spew out all my turmoil. I wonder if I can sell my soul on Ebay for a car?
Anyway, they have other houses which they rent out and one of them is a house I always loved. Its bright and clean and central to everything. Stores are in walking distance, the bus and train to the big city are right there convenient. There is a bustling downtown available. The house has a nice fenced in yard, a big garage. It has light sunny kitchen with 2 bedrooms. Perfect for kids. I have wanted to live in that house since my parents bought it for a song at the right time. It has this wonderful welcoming feeling that I love.
Turns out the house is empty right now. The person who was renting it has moved out. So it's just sitting there EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We live in two tiny rooms with no sunlight no way to get anywhere no hope and they have a perfectly good home. I asked my father today why we couldn't live in it and he said "oh sure if you can pay the heat bill" sarcastically. This is the same guy who bought a brand new car a few weeks ago then used their old one as a trade in for cheap instead of offering it to us. I know parents don't have to help you, it's not a right that we have help. I don't expect them to help me, I know better than that by now. Please can't they think of their grandchild? I am so done with them if I can get out of here. that's it, why do I need to care? I keep trying to convince myself that they are helping us because we do have heat and a roof over our heads but how does that help when we cant afford food and we cant get to the store even if we had money and if I cant get to work. Maybe it's me, maybe I am looking at this from the wrong angle.
We had to go to the hospital today to visit my grandmother who is in ICU. My mother spends 10 hours a day with her. She told me I had to go visit her today and wouldn't let me bring M. I touched the monitor asking what some number meant and managed to turn the whole screen off. Leave it to me. Anyway, this blog is very cathartic, it's nice to have a place to spew out all my turmoil. I wonder if I can sell my soul on Ebay for a car?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Movie: Let The Right One In
Låt den rätte komma in (2008)A Swedish vampire movie. How often do we see one of those?_?
I watched this film tonight as the buzz is the director of "Cloverfield" would be doing a remake and I wanted to see the original before the American version spoils it for me. What a haunting and melancholy movie. I LOVED it. It's the story of a young lonely boy, Oskar, who is bullied at school alot and he has fantasies of being tough and standing up to them. He makes a friend in the enigmatic Eli. She is a vampire. The characters are well done and sympathic, the acting is wonderful. There is some gore and blood but not overly so and it fits the storyline. Overall, the film is dark, sad and bursting with haunting imagery. Completely fit my mood. I have never really gotten the whole "vampire craze" and I never found them to be sympathetic figures. For the first time, I found a glimpse of what intrigues people so much.
The Silent Treatment
It's The Silent Treatment day! Today my mom only spoke to me twice. Once to say "give me the phone" and "Why doesn't she have any underwear on?" Meaning M and how she had just used the potty and hadn't gotten her pants back on yet. My sister came to visit real quick and M is so crazy about her she ran upstairs without being fully dressed. Not a crime, she is a child. The rest of the day mom didn't say a word to me. She acts like I am not there. I talk and she doesn't respond. It's really very creepy in a way. She goes through phases where she pretends I am not here. Means I have done something to seriously offend her. No idea what that was. I am tired and worn out and sometimes I think the fight is leaving me. We had a hard time before we came here and I thought we would get a respite and safe harbour. I thought M would help mello my mom's attitude towards me. Nope, not a chance. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire.
How did I leave this house of unhappiness in the first place you might wonder? Well, I was finishing my 2nd year of college and as young girls do, I went out clubbing on the weekends. I didn't drink, don't smoke, I always really loved to dance. I drove into town and had a great time dancing with my friends and got home fairly late. My mom was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs - in the dark I might add- and she laid into me telling me I waste my money, I was a slut, I had no right to be out at night it went on and on.. It was vicious and I told her I would leave she kept it up. She kept right on going and I started to back up to my car. She picked up rocks and started throwing them at me, at my car. She told me if I got in my car I should never come back again. So I jumped into my car avoiding the rocks she was throwing at me and sped off into the night. Went and lived with my friend, J and his family and didn't contact my mother again for a long time.
I contacted my mom after a long time because I missed my brother and sister and I always have some kind of wierd urge to have my mom like me. I keep trying to impress her with my life somehow. No matter what, I have spent my life searching for her approval. I was always jealous of my friends that had close fun families and who could call their mom's up and have a nice conversation, just tell their mom's about their day and come to them with problems. I try to be there for my daughter, to listen to her and to give her as much love and hugs and I possibly can. Perhaps I can't do anything for her because I am already too damaged but I want to try, I want to make her remember her life with me as loving and happy and not as a person who angers her. There is always tomorrow.
How did I leave this house of unhappiness in the first place you might wonder? Well, I was finishing my 2nd year of college and as young girls do, I went out clubbing on the weekends. I didn't drink, don't smoke, I always really loved to dance. I drove into town and had a great time dancing with my friends and got home fairly late. My mom was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs - in the dark I might add- and she laid into me telling me I waste my money, I was a slut, I had no right to be out at night it went on and on.. It was vicious and I told her I would leave she kept it up. She kept right on going and I started to back up to my car. She picked up rocks and started throwing them at me, at my car. She told me if I got in my car I should never come back again. So I jumped into my car avoiding the rocks she was throwing at me and sped off into the night. Went and lived with my friend, J and his family and didn't contact my mother again for a long time.
I contacted my mom after a long time because I missed my brother and sister and I always have some kind of wierd urge to have my mom like me. I keep trying to impress her with my life somehow. No matter what, I have spent my life searching for her approval. I was always jealous of my friends that had close fun families and who could call their mom's up and have a nice conversation, just tell their mom's about their day and come to them with problems. I try to be there for my daughter, to listen to her and to give her as much love and hugs and I possibly can. Perhaps I can't do anything for her because I am already too damaged but I want to try, I want to make her remember her life with me as loving and happy and not as a person who angers her. There is always tomorrow.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Another Day Another Wake Up
I wrote about my whole day yesterday but didn't publish it because I had to go upstairs for a "Talk" and it shut off while I was gone.
Today was a repeat of yesterday. Knock Knock Knock Knock, she hands me a can of paint. "put this back" (part of where we live is the utility room) so you woke me up just to ask me to put paint back? This time when she woke us up, M started sobbing in these tired helpless cries that tore me up. I was angry, really angry. Instead of leaving, she sat on the stairs and talked. "I am going back to the hospital today" Actually alot of what she said this morning I can't remember, I was so tired. At one point she started to come downstairs and I told her to go away and go to the hospital. She asked M why mommy was so crabby and I replied "Because I don't like you" and she told me I wasn't a joy either. I never told her how I felt until the past few months when I realized I am tired of trying to impress her, make her proud of me. It's a lost cause. Now I simply Don't Like Her.
I do recall I was going to mention why I had no album covers when I was younger. During my high school years I would buy records and when she didn't like the album cover name or artwork I would find them ripped up on the floor when I came home from school. For instance "the Dead Kennedys" she objected to the name so she ripped that up right away then told me it was an insult to that great family. I never knew what would upset her so I never knew what records would have no covers when I got back. Incidently, she never has done this to my brother or sister.
Back to the present, she has decided we eat too much so she doesn't take us to the grocery store regularly anymore so we keep running low on food. She promised me yesterday to pick up some milk, bread and diaper wipes for us but it's 8:27 pm now and no wipes. *edit apparently she has been home and as I wrote this threw a small pack of diaper wipes down the stairs and left some reduced fat milk. It's like those books "Flowers In The Attic" I am like stuck in a horror movie. Trapped in the basement with no way out.
On a lighter note, despite everything going on around her, my little M has managed to learn to use the potty properly! you go girl!
Today was a repeat of yesterday. Knock Knock Knock Knock, she hands me a can of paint. "put this back" (part of where we live is the utility room) so you woke me up just to ask me to put paint back? This time when she woke us up, M started sobbing in these tired helpless cries that tore me up. I was angry, really angry. Instead of leaving, she sat on the stairs and talked. "I am going back to the hospital today" Actually alot of what she said this morning I can't remember, I was so tired. At one point she started to come downstairs and I told her to go away and go to the hospital. She asked M why mommy was so crabby and I replied "Because I don't like you" and she told me I wasn't a joy either. I never told her how I felt until the past few months when I realized I am tired of trying to impress her, make her proud of me. It's a lost cause. Now I simply Don't Like Her.
I do recall I was going to mention why I had no album covers when I was younger. During my high school years I would buy records and when she didn't like the album cover name or artwork I would find them ripped up on the floor when I came home from school. For instance "the Dead Kennedys" she objected to the name so she ripped that up right away then told me it was an insult to that great family. I never knew what would upset her so I never knew what records would have no covers when I got back. Incidently, she never has done this to my brother or sister.
Back to the present, she has decided we eat too much so she doesn't take us to the grocery store regularly anymore so we keep running low on food. She promised me yesterday to pick up some milk, bread and diaper wipes for us but it's 8:27 pm now and no wipes. *edit apparently she has been home and as I wrote this threw a small pack of diaper wipes down the stairs and left some reduced fat milk. It's like those books "Flowers In The Attic" I am like stuck in a horror movie. Trapped in the basement with no way out.
On a lighter note, despite everything going on around her, my little M has managed to learn to use the potty properly! you go girl!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
When will I get some sleep??
My mom's new project is making sure we don't get to sleep in the morning. This she is tackling with the upmost efficiency. Around 7 am ish she started vacuuming right over our heads and generally making a racket that sounded alot like someone building a house. She must have been smashing the vacuum cleaner into walls, slamming doors and stomping her feet as hard as possible. It was impossible to sleep. I don't need to sleep till say 10 am, but come on..give us an hour or so. I spend alot of time online lately trying to find work and at times I stay up late so being abruptly woken up all the time is really putting my day off. I have to ask mom to take us to the store or I need to order groceries online, I don't know which to do. If I ask mom it will be a whole huge thing because she doesn't think we need food.
Now several hours later she asks me to come upstairs in the infamous "Can I talk to you?" question T and I both dread. She starts out with "Several times I have asked you to match your hours to ours. It's not fair that grandma has to listen to you. I sat in her room last night I can hear you talking. She is coming home from the hospital today and you have to do something about this." Here I would point out Grandma goes to bed at 7 pm so she is asking my whole family to go to bed at 7.
She did have one of her more lucid moments today and showed me a beautiful doll she bought M for her birthday. I was very surprised at her choice of dolls. Normally I am not a big fan of very caucasion looking baby dolls but she found one that is actually Asian looking but not overly so. It looks alot like M when she was a baby baby. so today is a big surprise in that respect. She did gripe about the price and warned me that we all needed to go outside for a period of time.
Now several hours later she asks me to come upstairs in the infamous "Can I talk to you?" question T and I both dread. She starts out with "Several times I have asked you to match your hours to ours. It's not fair that grandma has to listen to you. I sat in her room last night I can hear you talking. She is coming home from the hospital today and you have to do something about this." Here I would point out Grandma goes to bed at 7 pm so she is asking my whole family to go to bed at 7.
She did have one of her more lucid moments today and showed me a beautiful doll she bought M for her birthday. I was very surprised at her choice of dolls. Normally I am not a big fan of very caucasion looking baby dolls but she found one that is actually Asian looking but not overly so. It looks alot like M when she was a baby baby. so today is a big surprise in that respect. She did gripe about the price and warned me that we all needed to go outside for a period of time.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Nutty never rests
Mom came back from the hospital later this evening. Grandma is staying over night again, her blood pressure is really high and they think she had a seizure. Mom spent the whole day with her in the hospital. Finally she came back and M was very excited to see her so I let her go upstairs under my supervision for a quick visit. Why do I keep doing this?
M wanted to help mom change the sheets on Grandma's bed and I thought that would be ok. Upon noticing M was wearing her Jasmine sleeveless nightgown, mom commented "Why don't you have any clothes on?" "She didn't want to wear clothes today" I replied. She turns her back on me and starts to make the bed "Which one of you is the adult?" she asks. Ugh. My mother makes my grandmother's bed every day in a very particular order. There are decorative pillows that must be removed, decorative pillowcases that must be taken off the pillows themselves and exchanged for plainer "sleeping use" pillow cases. Then the quilt must be arranged just so and the sheets and blankets tucked in perfectly with no creases. M was trying to do her best to help but I could tell it wasn't really setting well with my mother. We had some idle chit chat about grandma in the hospital since thats all she wanted to talk about and it was pretend safe conversation ground though I always manage to slip up and say the wrong thing. Luckily we reached the non aggresive topic of urinary tract infections. It did lead to the information that she didn't really want M upstairs because she didn't want to chance grandma getting M's ringworm. Of course she made sure we put in our allotted hours of play outside. I pointed out M's injury from falling in the garden and a stick poked her eyelid. Looking for the sympathy vote here and it backfired. Then I got the health insurance lecture. Instead of cuddling the baby as a good grandma should she told her it looked like nothing. and with that, good night folks! can't wait till tomorrow in which we will discuss why I had no record covers when I was younger.
M wanted to help mom change the sheets on Grandma's bed and I thought that would be ok. Upon noticing M was wearing her Jasmine sleeveless nightgown, mom commented "Why don't you have any clothes on?" "She didn't want to wear clothes today" I replied. She turns her back on me and starts to make the bed "Which one of you is the adult?" she asks. Ugh. My mother makes my grandmother's bed every day in a very particular order. There are decorative pillows that must be removed, decorative pillowcases that must be taken off the pillows themselves and exchanged for plainer "sleeping use" pillow cases. Then the quilt must be arranged just so and the sheets and blankets tucked in perfectly with no creases. M was trying to do her best to help but I could tell it wasn't really setting well with my mother. We had some idle chit chat about grandma in the hospital since thats all she wanted to talk about and it was pretend safe conversation ground though I always manage to slip up and say the wrong thing. Luckily we reached the non aggresive topic of urinary tract infections. It did lead to the information that she didn't really want M upstairs because she didn't want to chance grandma getting M's ringworm. Of course she made sure we put in our allotted hours of play outside. I pointed out M's injury from falling in the garden and a stick poked her eyelid. Looking for the sympathy vote here and it backfired. Then I got the health insurance lecture. Instead of cuddling the baby as a good grandma should she told her it looked like nothing. and with that, good night folks! can't wait till tomorrow in which we will discuss why I had no record covers when I was younger.
Knocking on the door of the past
Fast asleep slowly I swim back to consciousness as I realize someone is banging on the door to the basement. I blearly open my eyes and remember that we are still living in my mother's basement and the knocking must be her banging on the basement door. "bang bang bang" then quiet..I settle back down with my daughter who, thankfully did not awaken and start to fall asleep again "bang bang bang" louder this time. I drag myself out of bed and realize that it is very early in the morning, the baby wakes up too and starts whimpering. "WHAT?" I say in an irritated voice, I can hear my husband groaning as he wakes up too. My mother opens the door at the top of the stairs "I have to go see Grandma in the hospital so I wanted to tell you that Dad is here and don't answer the phone" I can't seem to focus my eyes I am so sleepy "uh okay.....that's all you wanted?" She comes further down the stairs and hands me a sponge "here. use this to clean (something not sure what I am still half asleep) the baby stumbles in with half closed eyes "mommy? grandma?" My mother looks at the baby "someone stayed up too late last night" she says to her in an accusatory tone. She turns around and heads back upstairs, we can hear her stomping around on the first floor, making sure we are awake.
My husband asks "What the heck was that? she had to wake us all up to tell us not to answer the phone? You gotta blog about her, no one will believe it" I look at the sponge she gave me..it's used. Why did she give me a used sponge? what am I suppose to clean with it? What is the meaning of all this?
When we moved here I warned my husband that my mom would never let us sleep. She has always been of the opinion that people who sleep in will never make it in life. She used to wake me up every morning at 7 am even when I wasn't working or going to school. My mom is very opinionated and bossy. Some of her strongly held beliefs are:
People should work at only upstanding jobs like "accountant" or "secretary" The more mindless the task the better the job is. You must put everything into working, there is no room for sicktime or vacation.
People should live like its the colonial times. Apparently ye olde farming days were the golden age of mankind for my mom. Technology is evil!
People dont need to throw anything away and don't buy anything new. You don't need it. You can still use a tv antennae from 1962 (seriously she has one) No matter how old or broken it is it is still useful.
People should get up at the crack of dawn. This is partnered with her colonial living ideas.
Everyone should go outside every day for a long period of time. If you do not go outside for this period of time that only my mom knows the exact requirements of you must go back outside or face "The Puss Face"
People should not spend any money on anything that isn't necessary. You should only pay off debts and work. Anything else is wasteful and trivial. Consequently my mother has never been out of the country. That falls into the "no adventure" and "irresponsiblity" catagory.
The rules change all the time but it is up to you to figure them out. I thought if I moved my family in for awhile till we get our lives straightened out it would be a good respite but how wrong I was. I think I have doomed my own daughter to the same menace that has plagued my own life. I can only remember all the times I ran away from home growing up. I used to run away so often that my mom used to pack a suitcase for me. She knew I would be back, I had no where else to go. Even as an adult, I come back. After all, I am my mother's daughter.
My husband asks "What the heck was that? she had to wake us all up to tell us not to answer the phone? You gotta blog about her, no one will believe it" I look at the sponge she gave me..it's used. Why did she give me a used sponge? what am I suppose to clean with it? What is the meaning of all this?
When we moved here I warned my husband that my mom would never let us sleep. She has always been of the opinion that people who sleep in will never make it in life. She used to wake me up every morning at 7 am even when I wasn't working or going to school. My mom is very opinionated and bossy. Some of her strongly held beliefs are:
People should work at only upstanding jobs like "accountant" or "secretary" The more mindless the task the better the job is. You must put everything into working, there is no room for sicktime or vacation.
People should live like its the colonial times. Apparently ye olde farming days were the golden age of mankind for my mom. Technology is evil!
People dont need to throw anything away and don't buy anything new. You don't need it. You can still use a tv antennae from 1962 (seriously she has one) No matter how old or broken it is it is still useful.
People should get up at the crack of dawn. This is partnered with her colonial living ideas.
Everyone should go outside every day for a long period of time. If you do not go outside for this period of time that only my mom knows the exact requirements of you must go back outside or face "The Puss Face"
People should not spend any money on anything that isn't necessary. You should only pay off debts and work. Anything else is wasteful and trivial. Consequently my mother has never been out of the country. That falls into the "no adventure" and "irresponsiblity" catagory.
The rules change all the time but it is up to you to figure them out. I thought if I moved my family in for awhile till we get our lives straightened out it would be a good respite but how wrong I was. I think I have doomed my own daughter to the same menace that has plagued my own life. I can only remember all the times I ran away from home growing up. I used to run away so often that my mom used to pack a suitcase for me. She knew I would be back, I had no where else to go. Even as an adult, I come back. After all, I am my mother's daughter.
Welcome to Balloon Land
In my attempts to work out my relationship with my mother I thought I would write it all down. Perhaps, I thought, it will make more sense in black and white? probably not but here goes nothing. I call this blog "Balloon Land" for two reasons; balloon land is sort of a slang term for crazy and I always wanted to escape my life growing up so I spent alot of time in fantasy land rather than reality. Our parents really shape who we are and I wonder who I would be now if my life had been different growing up.
Once I was lamenting my lack of a normal family and one of my wiser friends said to me "You have your own family now, create the family you always wanted" so I try every day to be the opposite of my mom and how she made me feel as a child. Sometimes I get scared when I find myself falling into the same traps and patterns she laid for me. This may be a cautionary tale in which I find my own salvation. Bear with me, it's a crazy journey.
Once I was lamenting my lack of a normal family and one of my wiser friends said to me "You have your own family now, create the family you always wanted" so I try every day to be the opposite of my mom and how she made me feel as a child. Sometimes I get scared when I find myself falling into the same traps and patterns she laid for me. This may be a cautionary tale in which I find my own salvation. Bear with me, it's a crazy journey.
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