The Silent Treatment

It's The Silent Treatment day! Today my mom only spoke to me twice. Once to say "give me the phone" and "Why doesn't she have any underwear on?" Meaning M and how she had just used the potty and hadn't gotten her pants back on yet. My sister came to visit real quick and M is so crazy about her she ran upstairs without being fully dressed. Not a crime, she is a child. The rest of the day mom didn't say a word to me. She acts like I am not there. I talk and she doesn't respond. It's really very creepy in a way. She goes through phases where she pretends I am not here. Means I have done something to seriously offend her. No idea what that was. I am tired and worn out and sometimes I think the fight is leaving me. We had a hard time before we came here and I thought we would get a respite and safe harbour. I thought M would help mello my mom's attitude towards me. Nope, not a chance. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire.

How did I leave this house of unhappiness in the first place you might wonder? Well, I was finishing my 2nd year of college and as young girls do, I went out clubbing on the weekends. I didn't drink, don't smoke, I always really loved to dance. I drove into town and had a great time dancing with my friends and got home fairly late. My mom was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs - in the dark I might add- and she laid into me telling me I waste my money, I was a slut, I had no right to be out at night it went on and on.. It was vicious and I told her I would leave she kept it up. She kept right on going and I started to back up to my car. She picked up rocks and started throwing them at me, at my car. She told me if I got in my car I should never come back again. So I jumped into my car avoiding the rocks she was throwing at me and sped off into the night. Went and lived with my friend, J and his family and didn't contact my mother again for a long time.

I contacted my mom after a long time because I missed my brother and sister and I always have some kind of wierd urge to have my mom like me. I keep trying to impress her with my life somehow. No matter what, I have spent my life searching for her approval. I was always jealous of my friends that had close fun families and who could call their mom's up and have a nice conversation, just tell their mom's about their day and come to them with problems. I try to be there for my daughter, to listen to her and to give her as much love and hugs and I possibly can. Perhaps I can't do anything for her because I am already too damaged but I want to try, I want to make her remember her life with me as loving and happy and not as a person who angers her. There is always tomorrow.