Chef Boyardee

Morning was relatively quiet, surprise surprise. We all ended up sleeping really late. Mom apparently went to the hospital again to spend another 10 hours with grandma. Don't get me wrong, I care about my grandma but she is the center of my mom's universe when M should be in that pantheon somewhere. We had a good time with the run of the whole house. We are like children let out to play. They don't have anything good to eat up there though. Everything is Fat Free, Salt Free, Sugar Free and Taste Free. T was pointing out the high amounts of sodium there is in so much of the fat free products. All the things she gives M to snack on have some kind of artificial sweetner which I don't want her to eat.

When mom finally came home she called to me from the top of the stairs. Boy, it was time for a "Talk" again. Whoa, its 33o am, I better get some shut eye before she wakes me up at 7 am again.
to be continued.....

I better finish this one before my memory deletes it. Let's skip to the part when mom comes home again after our happy day of treating her home as our own. We watched a couple episodes of one of our new favorites shows "How Clean Is Your House?" on their tv which is a real size tv. We have a little 13 inch tv in the basement and it's oddly pleasing to watch tv on a large television again.

So she comes home and demands I go upstairs for a "Talk" this was a doozy. One of the worst ones since I have been here. She demanded to know why I asked about the empty house they have for rent and I am damn lucky to be living here and I don't appreciate how lucky I am. She accused T of being a liar and not really working on his immigration status and doesn't love me and M at all. She said I am an abusive mother and I should have my child taken away from me. She says I can't have a civilized conversation without crying or getting upset. Perhaps because her civilized conversations are always threatening, demeaning and angry. It was pretty awful. My dad sat in the other room watching television with no comment. I ran downstairs hysterical because she knows just where to hurt me, where my insecurities lie. She knows because she put them there. I lay on the bed sobbing and little M came to me and hugged me and said "Don't cry mommy, I am here..I am right here" She is such a strong, beautiful person, she deserves so much better than the life I give her. I have never desired alot of money, or a huge house, or many things, I simply want my daughter to be happy, safe and well loved. For a time in New Zealand, I discovered that dream life. My tiny family is everything to me. I would die for them. I asked T if he could still get his green card if I was gone and then he got upset with me and ended up going on and on about my mom for an hour. When we had the problem in NZ it was bad for a different reason. It was real and tangible and not personal. What my mother does to me is insidious and evil. I can't even fight it. I would rather someone punch me in my face than play mind games with me. I can fight back, but I can't fight that.

In a bizarre change of face which makes me wonder if she is a split personality, mom brought us down a Chef Boyardee pizza. T and I both commented that it tasted like medicine and the baby wouldn't eat it. I said to T "If this was a horror movie, my mom poisoned the pizza" He laughed and agreed but we were both a little unsettled lol. Mom didn't speak to us again that evening even when I returned the pizza plate to upstairs. When M went to bed she kept waking up screaming from nightmares so I didn't sleep for a long time. I watched a Korean movie called "Ryeong" online. For some reason scary movies cheer me up. I guess watching someone fight ghosts is how I need to fight my mom. We call my mom "Onibaba" which means "Demon woman" in Japanese.