No "knock knock" door this morning. Only the sounds of furniture moving and banging over our heads. The mom came down about 11 am and M followed her upstairs so I had to go up and get her. I asked mom if it was ok if a few of my friends came over to celebrate M's birthday (last time I asked about an occasion she flipped out and said my friends would bother grandma) but today she said she didn't mind but had to throw in the comment "since it's YOUR space even though you don't PAY to live there". There is no one who is better at making nasty comments, I tell you. She offered to make M a cake but I hesitated for two reasons, 1. her cakes aren't very good and 2. M really likes store bought cake because she rarely gets to have one. As I hesitated my mom remarked "You really need to start watching what you spend since you spend so much money on pizza" that made me fly into a black rage. She is the reason I have to spend money on pizza. She never takes us to the store regularly so I have to get us food somehow. She spends 10 hours a day in the hospital with my grandmother but she can't spare a half hour to take us to the store. We have only bought pizza 4 times since we have been here. Because they don't help us we won't even be able to buy groceries soon so she has no reason to make any comment.
I need Anger Management classes, I really do. I feel so angry all the time. Maybe walking or doing some exercise will help. As for M's party, I hope some people will come. My friends don't come over much at all. They are all nervous around my mom and a long time ago I couldn't get anyone to come over at all. She used to be really cruel to one of my best friends and she is terrified to come over. When we were in high school she used to call her a whore, a prostitute, loser, hooker, etc...This is a girl who graduated from her school as the valedictorian. When i go back and read what I wrote I think to myself "good lord, what was I thinking coming back here?"
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
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2 comments:
have so much to contend with, its no wonder your nerves are frayed and you are finding it hard to control your temper with her. i hate to see that toxic woman ruining your relationship with Taka and affecting your mommying M the way you would like. I want to be able to do something, anything. I can only imagine how hlpless you must feel, I want this coming year to be YOUR year to shine, baby.
Thanks for those words. I don't think this will be our year but knock on wood the year after. When I leave here it's final. I will not ever come back. I do feel she is starting to get into our relationship and twist it around. We have fought more than ever lately and it scares me. I tell you though, this is hella therapeutic, maybe you should do this too and we could compare notes. xo
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