Took a Job Test Today

What a long day. Yes, I haven't had the energy to write in the blog for awhile. I feel dismal. Even to dismal to write. This morning I had to leave the house by 12 pm because I had a test for a job scheduled and I couldn't be late. We were leaving on time but M went upstairs and started hanging out with my mom while I was putting my shoes on. Big Mistake. I know for sure why M doesn't listen to me anymore. She is learning from a pro. Medieval torturers don't got nothin' on my mom.

So I come upstairs to find my mother has M cleaning the toilet with a toilet brush. that's a great idea in so many way *rolls eyes* I tell M we have to go and my mother says she can do whatever she likes to do. M doesn't leave, I have to yell louder and my mom never says anything a responsible person would say like "you should listen to your mother" she keeps letting her mess around in the toilet. why should a 3 year old be cleaning a toilet in the first place?

I went and took the test, got a good score and I was very proud of myself. they only hire passing a background check via the FBI so I will probably have hello kittycopters over my house with undercover forces jumping down from long ropes. They will find out all my "associates" why does a background check make me feel guilty? Must be all that drinking I did in the 90s, who knows what I did back then. ha ha.

So background check complaining aside, we got home to find both my parents sitting in the living room. Neither one said hello to me. M started talking to my mom and after about 10 minutes my mom finally asked me how I did on the test. I said I did really well and got a high score and my father said "oh you got a 12" so funny, they never say anything positive to me. My mother didn't comment at all except she thought it was a waste of time. She knew they were hiring in the first place and never told me. This is how it is. I found some old photos of us growing up and a set of us at Easter. My sister is dressed up and has a beautiful easter basket as she skips happily looking for eggs. I am carrying a brown paper bag.......

Cracks Are Appearing

We fight alot now. We have this wall of anger between us, maybe that won't go away. He fights with me constantly about my parents. He says they don't help, but he doesn't understand, he won't listen to me. They say they are going Oh I can't even write. I will go cry for awhile.

I Want To Go Home

I miss my beautiful little house, my friends, M's friends, my hills and mountains, my grocery store with the sad lack of stuff I want to buy, my dairy, my cooking, my french bakery, my ocean, my hiking, my restaurants, my health care, my photography, my car, my view, my plans, my things I didn't do, my wine, my library, my sunshine, my landlord, my neighbors, my happiness, M's happiness, our life.

This isn't home anymore. I would go back if I could.

Darcey Freeman

The story of Darcey Freeman is breaking my heart. I can't get it out of my head and it keeps making me cry. I wish I hadn't read it.

Finally posting sorry for being away

I think I am having some kind of brain disconnect. I don't feel overly angry or worried but I can't sleep and I can't concentrate. One of the reasons I haven't been blogging is the lack of focus. My thoughts are vague and fuzzy.

Past few weeks have been just weird. Most of you know about my inheritance problem with my mother. I am supposed to get some money from my grandfather's estate but she keeps giving it to me then pulling it away. It's not even a huge amount of money but for us it's a much needed help. It was during these money wars that I began to feel so I don't care about anything. T's immigration is going nowhere. If I worry about it I feel sick. He doesn't seem to care even though my mother is threatening to kick him out. She says me and M can stay but T will have to go if he doesn't show some kind of progress. With the money we borrowed from a dear friend we were able to buy an old used car. Oddly enough it was owned completely by Japanese so even though it is old, it's in pretty decent shape considering it's age. We do have some transmission work we need to do before it can be perfectly good to drive around in but all the other minor repairs that were needed T has already done. It's wonderful to have a car again. We are able to go to the grocery store when we need to, not wait for my mother to throw macaroni down the stairs. I have been taking M to the library story time once a week so she can see other kids. She has been very sad lately and I haven't able to snap her out of it. She keeps crying and asking to go home and asking me why it's always so dark here. I can't tell her that I feel the same. That everyday I miss my gorgeous house with the view of the mountains. How I miss my friends there. How I miss walking in the mornings in the mist filled valley.........

If I can simply get T to be legal everything will be ok I know it. However, if he doesn't get something done soon I can't continue to let M be without health insurance.

I spent the past few days cleaning the kitchen and trying to clean out the places that mice have lived in or are living with bleach. Can't tell if there are any left or not. To make my life really pleasant the basement ceiling started leaking water. I had to put a bucket on the floor to catch the water coming down from the upstairs. My parents are seriously messed up, they recarpeted my grandmother's room, bought my brother a brand new snowblower, gave my sister money for running into her car, but when I ask them why they don't get the wall fixed where the water is coming in or why they don't hire a cleaning company for their rental property I love they say they have no money and they can't afford it. They told me they won't sponsor T financially because they are simply so poor.

At least we have the car now and we can get away when we need to. When we get the transmission fixed all will be much better.