How to work out without realizing it

Pull your kid around on a sled until you can't move anymore. That's more of a work out than I have had in awhile. We found an old (obviously, remember where I live) rusty sled in the shed out back and found that even after all this time M could still ride it while I pulled her up and down the snowy hill.

I realized how different I feel when I am outdoors or when we stayed at the hotel. When i woke up in the morning at the hotel I could jump right out of bed and without even having coffee still feel all right. Here in the basement I can't even get going without the benefit of almost a full pot of coffee. Makes me wonder seriously if there is something going on with the air in here. I wake up sleepy and groggy and continue to feel the same throughout the day but if I go outside I feel fine again. I had a dream last night that we moved out and lived in a nice apartment somewhere, as is usual with a dream it was sort of a combination of here and Japan but it was a nice place lol.

I have been invited to the movies next weekend. T says he doesn't mind watching M. The last time I went to the movies was to see "The Chronicles of Narnia" with L. That movie came out in 2005 so that means I haven't been to the movies in 3 years!!!

The mom made snarky comments about how late we all sleep so I did a snaparoo and yelled "how the hell do you expect any of us to wake up when I live in lightless basement. It's the same light when I go to bed as when I wake up. Even though you have a perfectly good REAL house sitting there empty" She didn't reply and I stormed off back into my rat hole. Honestly, do they really think this is a good environment for a 3 year old? living in a dark hole in the ground. It brings me to tears knowing they have a beautiful sunny perfect house with a fenced in yard sitting there empty...let me swear here &&'#&)('')')')')(')')'###"#$$R
Once again repeat "it's free, it's heated" rinse repeat

She asked me to go check on our neighbor's boyfriend who has some disease tomorrow at 1 pm. She told the neighbor that she would be able to do it but she is busy so she pawned it off on me. What do I do? Knock on the door and say "Hey are you alive?" I don't mind helping people out but if my mother made a commitment she should keep it or should have known in advance she couldn't. she has a doctor's appointment, wouldn't she have known that? This is the neighbor she holds up to me all the time as someone to emulate, aspire to. I am in such an angry bitter mood this week I haven't done much emailing or talking to people because I realize when my anger turns into a dark stain it is likely to spread towards other people without me even being aware of it. I hate that they make me feel like this.

Now that they gave us this ultimatum, I am waiting for them to throw us out. I am frustrated by T's lack of initiative in this. He hasn't bothered to call his sponsors and see how they are doing on the paperwork. See what I mean about my extreme anger? It's going everywhere. zip zap target sighted pow. If we get thrown out we have no where to go and this doesn't seem to be worrying him. All he says is sentences that start with "Just say to them..." why do I have to fight my parents all the time? I could use some support here. An evil part of me thinks that if he did get deported I could get health insurance for M and state assistance but that's not really the answer it's my frustration channeling the wrong way. I think alot of bad things when I am stressed out. He doesn't realize that they would throw us out, or my mouth would get us thrown out because it's got a mind of it's own sometimes.

I am back to looking for a job now that we borrowed some money we got a used car..really used! 94 Rodeo with 175,000 miles on it but it goes from point A to point B with little work that needs to be done but I thought we should we should save the money in case we get thrown out or have to move back to Japan. The only reason I would be nervous of Japan is if he decided to divorce me for any sort of reason he would automatically get custody of M. They rarely give the child to the mother. Not that it would happen but it bears considering. The worst part of this past year is I simply don't know what to do. How do I know what choices to make? How will I pay back all this money I have borrowed? If I didn't have a child this would have been so much easier. My first duty is always to make sure she is ok so I have to do what I think is best for her. How do I know what I choose is the right way? Can you feel some of what the whirlpool in my mind is like right now? It's hard to think straight. I better stop now and read or something before my head explodes.