Trying to solve my headache of the century I drank tea (bleh) and watched "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" with M. She made me laugh soooo hard. In the scene from the movie where Pee Wee loses his bike after chained it to a big mechanical clown, M kept saying "Mcdonald's stole his bike"
Today in the morning I was in a very good mood and in a wierd personality reverse my mother was rather...nice? or at least semi normal. As in, we didn't fight. Though she did let me know all M's presents are used. My father is ill so he is home today. Everything was going ok then I got two bombshells, one amazingly good, one amazingly bad. Neither one I am not sure I should discuss now. Now I feel all freaked out and strange.
Later I figured out why I am so obsessed with moving to Hawaii because M loved New Zealand, more than I did even. She talks about it every day like we are here on vacation and soon we will "go home". Some days she cries and begs to go home. In New Zealand she was happy every day with a shining light in her eyes. The only other place I have seen that happy light in her eyes was in Hawaii. I have to make amends to her somehow, I took her light away, I need to give it back. I can't bring her back to New Zealand but some way if I work hard as I can, I can get her back to Hawaii. Back to her light. ...
though of course, she doesn't remember Japan..
I am working on my one way ticket to the looney bin so everyone go on without me.
Monday, December 8, 2008
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2 comments:
I love you so very much, and you know I think the world of you and want only the best for you and your little family. So please PLEASE don't take this the wrong way.
You need to think of what is best for your family, of course. And I know making M smile is the most important to you. But you really, truly are in a bad place right now (living at your mom's), unhealthy in so many ways. I think you need to set up some realistic goals and expectations for what should happen for you guys in the New Year. I don't see how moving halfway across the world to Hawaii is necessary for her happiness. The way I see it, anywhere AWAY from that toxic mother of yours, somewhere where she can play freely, sleep freely, eat freely and where you guys can be a family again is all she wants and needs, trust me. Please don't squander away money on moving all that way. I worry about you, I really do. I know it is so much easier to dream about where we would LIKE to be, but reality is something that needs to come in and kick our arses sometimes.
Wow. I didn't mean to ramble and be preachy there. Please don't take it that way. I just want to see you sparkle again, and I think a move down the road would do that just as much as a 3000 mile move would.
Oh Sarah, my friend, no worries, I know we need to get out and my Hawaii plan is my "future" plan not my immediate plan if you know what I mean. I am just thinking out loud as it were. I always believe if I set my heart on my goals eventually I will reach them some how. I need something happy to keep me going, some kind of ideal to shoot for even if it's a fantasy to keep me from going out of my mind in here while I look reality square in the face everyday.
I don't have any money to squander anyway lol. Maybe I have that problem Kerry was talking about, not living in the NOW but living in the Future
My reality is step 1, we need to get T his immigration so we can have two of us looking for work and we can apply for some kind of assistance.
So don't worry : ) I appreciate your concern though, you are a sweetie! <3 love you
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